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Dear LORD, I am so tired of fetish-negativity. Seeing people state in their groups that fetishism towards their group will not be allowed... on a website named FETLife (short for Fetish Life) just makes my head go asplody. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

So what you're basically saying is that "your kink is ok, so long as your kink doesn't happen to be for me". I TOTALLY understand your desire to be taken seriously as a human being. I TOTALLY understand that you're sick of people who treat you like a piece of meat. And you're right in those things. But fetishist DOES NOT have to equal "someone who only likes people for their fetish" or "someone who treats you like a piece of meat".

You know what it honestly sounds to me like? It sounds to me like people with fetishes haven't quite gotten to the same space of evolution as the BDSM community has (or at least says they have, but that's another rant). In the BDSM world, we've basically set up the unspoken rule that you treat a person as a person, unless you've previously negotiated that out of the way. But the fetish communities I've been aren't at that point yet. They're still at the "omg, you mean there's others like me out here?!?" stage and haven't quite gotten to the "you know, I think we need to set up some standards and rules" stage yet. As a member of a fetish group, I'm only all too painfully aware of this. And I'm honestly not sure what needs to happen to get the fetish groups there.

So to those people who don't want to be someone's fetish, I ask of you... why are your kinks ok but theirs aren't? And is it REALLY the fetish they have that isn't ok, or is it the way they treat you that isn't ok? And have you ever really taken the time to stop and separate the 2? Have you ever considered that they might be separate things? Have you ever considered that not everyone with a fetish treats the people who fulfill that desire as only a piece of meat?

Feel free to spread this around if you're as sick of the fetish-negativity on a site called FETLife as I am. I want this to get out to the right people, but not sure how to do it.

No, really, I haven't gone right wing on you all here. I swear. Let me explain.

So, as I know it, the DSM only considers paraphilias (kinks & fetishes) to be harmful under the context of causes distress in everyday life [and that needs to be distress from actual interference, not just a society that doesn't get it] or involves non-consenting parties (pedophilia, frotteurism, etc.). Some people have paraphilias that really are mental disorders for them... it really DOES screw with their lives. (And, of course, having therapy to get rid of these paraphilias doesn't work, just like trying to do reparative therapy to remove YOUR perfectly ok fetish won't work. The best you can do is keep the harmful fetishes under control.) But most people have fetishes and kinks that don't apply under that criteria, and therefore are perfectly ok. And that's the reason I won't sign the NCSF's petition on removing paraphilias from the DSM. (BTW, to those not in the know, the NCSF is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. The best way I can describe them to my hacker friends is that they're the sex/kink/poly equivalent of the EFF. [And to my sex friends, the EFF, or the Electronic Frontier Foundation, is the NCSF of online and digital rights & freedoms.]) The NCSF's heart is totally in the right place, don't get me wrong here, but they don't realize the specifics of it, and how it would cause harm. People with paraphilias that have actually taken over their lives need help getting their lives back. To not be able to do that anymore would cause more harm than good. (See: my previous post and "no diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no insurance coverage") (Also, removing paraphilias from the DSM would mean that predatory paraphilias would end up being removed as well, and I know that's not what the NCSF had in mind. Granted, I don't know all the details of their petition, but I hope it at least includes a part that would keep things like pedophilia in there.)

However... if I have my knowledge of what's in the DSM wrong and it really does consider them ALL to be mental illness or harmful, then the definition needs to be updated or changed, but NOT removed.

I encourage others to do research themselves and to decide for themselves. And if they decide as I have, I encourage them to contact the NCSF and let them know why they're against it. And if it turns out that the DSM needs to be changed, I encourage people to contact the NCSF and ask them to change the main focus of their cause drive to CHANGING the DSM diagnosis instead of removing it completely.

(x-posted from FetLife, sans a quote someone wrote on there that I haven't gotten permission to x-post)

Sometimes the calling to be a sexual educator can be REAL frustrating.

For example...

If I have to tell kinksters/BDSMers/Leatherfolk ONE MORE FUCKING TIME that there's nothing wrong with having fetishes, and there's nothing wrong with BEING someone's fetish, so long as at the end of the day, the person fetishizing you treats you as a person, as a human being, and not just a hunk of meat... well... if I have to say this one more god damned time, I swear, my head will asplode.

So you know what? I'm going to say it again. And the next time someone pulls the "I hate it when people see my ___________ as a fetish. I want to be seen as a whole person, not just for ___________" or the "________ chasers creep me out", I'm going to point them in this direction.

I think the problem is fetishists have a tendency to get so wrapped around their fetish (which, btw, is part of what MAKES it a fetish and not just a predilection) that they forget there's a person inside. I think in the end, all these people that don't want to be someone's fetish... they really don't care if they're someone's fetish. They just want to be treated and thought of as a person, as a human being, and quite rightfully so.

So... yeah. Ethical fetishists, or people who sit down and think critically about their sexuality, or perhaps one might like the phrase "feminist fetishists" better, remember that the person is indeed a person first and treats them as such. It's the OTHER fetishists that give us a bad rap.

So my Boston trip seems to be turning into a New England tour. I have a group in Albany that possibly wants me and a group in Hartford that might want me. (And, yes, finmagik, if I'm in Albany, I'd love for you to come and see me. Unfortunately, I won't have a car, so I can't come to you.)

If they all decide to go for it, it'll be tricky to work them all out, but I'm gonna try.

So I'm taking my brain dump and I'm making it friends only, as quite a bit of what I wrote about were things concerning OTHER people and I didn't exactly get permission from all of them to post them. But they were all things I saw and they were all things I want to write about in my diary. So I'm making them friends only. If you want on this list to read my core dump, and you're not already seeing it, let me know. If you want your name (which is currently your fetlife name or the name you were presenting under) changed to your LJ name, that's perfectly fine (I'll do it eventually for the people whose LJs I know). If you want your name turned into just initials, that's fine too.

To the kinksters out there, this entry is also x-posted into my FetLife journal, so you don't have to ask to be added... just check it out on FetLife!

I'm working out the details to present on Robots, Dollies and Mind Control (a.k.a. "The winterroseasfr Class") in Boston in mid-September. If you or your group want me to present for you as well while I'm there, go check out http://c4bl3fl4m3.googlepages.com/aboutc4bl3fl4m3 and see what you want me to present and drop me a line! Getting a travel stipend from you would mean that I wouldn't have to beg for crash space on someone's couch.

This will be an awesome thing to put on my sexual educator resume/CV. (When is it a CV and not a resume? I'm not sure.)

That being said... BOSTON! SQUEE! I've always wanted to visit there! And there's good deals on travel to there from both Toronto using Porter (SQUEE! MOAR PORTER!) or from BWI using Southwest. So perhaps this will be the end of my August Toronto trip?

Also, anyone know anyone in Boston I can crash with? (Radical Faeries, Hackers, Sex-Positive Folk, whatever.) Or, at very least, anyone know of any hella cheap hostels or the like?

The suckage is having to leave morningboon. Which was obvious suckage.

The awesome, however, is flying Porter Airlines. No hassles, a 2 min. ferry ride, VERY friendly staff, no waiting, a large lounge with complimentary beverages and snacks and a great coffee machine, free wifi, and even some Macs set up around with free Internet... and they're not set up special to block you out of using programs and stuff. In fact, I'm looking out at the airstrip now, writing at you on a Mac. All in all, I feel pampered... glad to be here instead of having to suffer the indignities of air travel along with my mourning of leaving morningboon.

I'm heading to Newark (EWR), and then heading to TESFest. Apparently I'm speaking on a panel of sex bloggers. I don't think of myself as a sex blogger, but I do write about sex, BDSM and gender in my diary here. (I'm realizing I haven't written about it in a while. I'm going to have to remedy that.) And it's technically a blog. I'm actually kinda excited about my volunteer shifts. I'm doing the panel, I'm taking care of the People of Size Swim, and I'm DMing for 4 hours.

I'm lucky that I'm going to a con after leaving morningboon. It's a lot better than me just going home to be alone and lonely. I'm going to spend days with my friends, doing something I love, and that's good.

So yes... I'll see you all at TESFest. If you see me, say hi! Hugs and snuggles are always good too.

Went to the DevianToronto munch, BENT tonight, maybe Kinkalicious next weekend (I'd LOVE to go to all the workshops... esp. the Midori ones... I've always wanted to take one of her classes)... lots going on in the Scene up here. Now all they need is a dedicated club. (Poor folks have to keep looking for a home.)

Yay for Kink in Toronto! (I need to make a kinky Toronto icon. :-) )

I seem to be drawn towards not just sexual education, but an outbranching of that... creating community. It's not enough to inform people about their options when it comes to sexuality. Sexuality alone is wonderful, but sexuality together is even better. It's important to create spaces where individuals with something in common can gather and create their communities. Where they can know they're not alone, where they can flirt, debate, ask questions, and make announcements.

It is because of this that I seem to be drawn to making FetLife groups. Occasionally, I find a space in the community where we're seemingly lacking a group for a niche. When this happens, unlike many people, I'm careful to making sure there's not a group already in existence. When I determine there's not, I go ahead and create the group. This is why I've made groups as diverse as Technosexuality, Fat Admirers, and even a group for the town and surroundings of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

I know the importance of community. The people in it benefit from it immensely. They make friends and lovers that can last a lifetime. But I also know the debatably even more important role that community can play. Its role in society at large. The more open and visible a community is, the more it helps those who are the target of the community, but are not part of it for whatever reason. Time and time again, there are example after example of people who are different for whatever reason who feel like they're the only one. It happens to geeks. It happens to queers. It happens to kinksters. And then they find a community for them. Perhaps it's online. Perhaps it's the Gay-Straight Alliance at school. Perhaps it's TNG. But whatever it may be, they're suddenly no longer alone. And maybe they're not ready to make that big step of coming out to others. They may not be ready to post on a forum, or go to a meeting or a munch. But in even SEEING that there's others like them out there, they know they're not alone. They're not a total freak of nature. It can help them get over the shame, it can help build their self-esteem.

morningboon is just at the point of coming out in the Kink community at age 33. I only imagine how his life might have been different had he known about the kink community in any of the other towns and cities he lived in. Because they're there. And even if he never would have participated in them, at least he would have known he wasn't alone. He would have known where he could go to for support.

Our communities are far more important than we realize. People who dismiss them as just places to cruise and shoot the shit don't realize how much just simply their being OUT there and accessible gives back to the world around them.

And THAT'S why I create community.

God, I've missed the Crucible.

God, I've missed my friends.

morningboon + me MUST get a vacuum bed.

Must get wax again. And give to Boon.

Giving needles to newbies brave enough to get them RULES.

HOORAY FOR YES, AND! I think this is MY new approach to the Scene as well.

Must get Midnght talking to Boon. So that Midnght and I can play and so that Boon can learn from him. (God, Midnght is HOT. WANT TO FUCK.)

IHOP after the Crucible rules.

Always bring your keys with you. Especially if you think you're not going to need them.

Thank SPADINA I accidentally forgot to lock the back door today when I was oot and aboot ootside.

Canadians rule, but I had many moments tonight where being an American was where it's at. There's something to be said for being loud, rude and rowdy. And having a good ol' fashioned good time.

But now it's 4 am and I miss my lover. I wish I would have gotten laid. And the only thing that was missing from the Crucible (other than food) was morningboon's presence. And for me, that was sorely missed.

Oh, and cuddling is ALWAYS good. Same for hair pulling and being at someone's feet. *le sigh*

It's rant time!
( Rant About BDSM Community Politics Inside )

(NOTE! If you want to leave a supportive comment, that's fine. But PLEASE don't try to talk me out of my ideas or trash me. I've heard it ALL before and I'm not interested in hearing it any more.)

(x-posted on my FetLife account)

So I've had the idea for a Switch symbol for a long time. I wanted something that people could easily draw by hand... and I think the symbol below, presented in a pride flag format, does the trick.

This is a first draft. There will be more drafts in the future. Share this with others, if you like, but don't start using it as an "official" Switch Pride symbol or flag yet. The CC license that I've chosen for it reflects that. The final one will have a more stringent license.




Switch Pride Flag, Draft 1 is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.

So NYE would have been better had my Internet and phone not gone out because of the high winds. I wasn't really able to reach anyone to make plans. However, I watched Idiocracy (which I had already watched half of before) and most of Hellboy (which I had already seen parts of before). But the tubes are tubing again, and I'm looking for things to do today. I'm thinking of going to Kramerbooks/Afterwords and getting something with the gift card that devvieish and asciilifeform gave me. Any takers?

Oh, and I think I have a thing for Hellboy. Besides, wouldn't it be hot to be fucked by a demon guy? The applications of his tail alone... *happy shiver*. And I bet he'd be a bit rough in sex. I'm thinking of going to the Superheroes and Supervillains thing at DO: WF as some form of Hellgirl. I've got the black pants (which I need to remember to tell my mom to return), I've got face paints now because of the BR Christmas party. I'd just need some horns (the sculpy ones you get at the ren faire would work... does anyone have a pair? Or, even better, anyone have some Sculpy/Fimo and we can make them?) and oh, how I wish I could borrow winterroseasfr's brown oilcloth duster. Perhaps I could convince him to mail it to me and I'll return it to him at Frolicon? I guess I'd need to do the hand somehow, but perhaps I could skip on that. And if I'm not mistaken, WR came back from Dragon*Con with The Samaritan, Hellboy's gun. Perhaps I could borrow that too. Should email WR.

Perhaps I should look on Cosplay.com to see how other people pulled it off?

FetLife is doing this thing where they're giving away this Christmas stocking full of awesome kinky things. If you send 'em an email, you get your name put in the hat. But for every time you spread the word, you get your name put in moar. So check it out! Anyone can register.

(And If you're not already registered for FetLife, why the fuck not? It's really not just for fetishes anymore... if you're vanilla but sex-positive and openminded to hearing other people talk about kink stuff, you belong there. Especially in groups like Kinky and Geeky and Doctor Who. And even if you just like some roleplay in the bedroom, there's a community for that, too.)

Anyway, here's the stocking link: http://fetlife.com/kinky_christmas_stockings

This is one of the coolest things I've heard about in a long time. Not to mention is the embodiment of my life's goal and my philosophies: re. sex and information made manifest. I encourage my sex-positive Open Source/Transparent mindset friends (which covers pretty much all the queer, kinky and hacker friends I have, which is the majority of my friends) to check this out and get hella involved.

You can bet your sweet asses I'll be there. (miscreeds, I'll need to crash with you during this, k?)

In short, for the hackers: It's Barcamp, but with sex.

In short, for the sex positive folk: It's a conference on sexuality, kink, and gender where everyone participates and noone's just an attendee. It's as open as possible: free, all talks can and will be recorded, information from the talks will be spread on the web afterwards. It's to get everyone in on the discussion on sexuality, it's to get everyone sharing and teaching with everyone else, and it's to get sexual information available to all people, regardless of age, socioeconomic station, gender, sexuality, etc.

So... check it out!

( MOAR INFO INSIDE )

Home from NYC.

( REALLY Long NYC Poast Inside )
I have other things to write about, but they're not NYC related, so I'm going to have to put them in another post.

markwhi is giving me an 8 gig iPod Touch tomorrow. I'm naming it Ace.

And then I have a date with WickedWill. And I'll try to actually pay attention to him during it. And not just, you know, geek out hard over my new toy.

I make no promises. I hope he reads this so he has fair warning ahead of time.


...my only concern about getting an iPod is taht they don't play OGGs. What do I need to do to hack it to play OGGs? And is the Touch unlocked or is there all of that crappy locked shit on it?

And I have no idea if he was using it on a PC. If so, do I need to reformat it to work with the Mac? If so, how?

Even with all of those questions, and the fact that I'm not happy about iTunes + iPod's DRM, ZOMG, I'm getting my Ace tomorrow. :-D


Oh, and I went to BR tonight. I was just going to go to the TNG (which was fun in and of itself, and I gave a little impromptu mini-lesson on 'looners and macrophiles, which people seemed to enjoy), but a nice guy who's LJ name I don't know paid my way into the talk. Which seemed like it was about "how to play with monogamous people who are stupidly opening up their relationship and playing with others... and not owning their own shit". It was polyamateury at its finest. That being said, I can't really blame the presenter on that... because that kind of crap DOES happen in the scene. But I believe he scared a lot of single people off of playing with couples. I hope the other singles there realize that poly people won't have nearly the problems he was talking about. That being said, I still think the presenter was good at presenting. I know he was nervous about it ahead of time.

I saw D & M again. Which was awesome. M's looking to maybe have some kind of a girlfriend. And I was on her short list. So we're going to go on a date or 3, see what happens. At very least, it'll be cool to have someone to be girlie with.

RS was there with K. They've got this NRE glowy thing going on, and it's so sweet. Oh, yay for being happy that your friends are in love and happy. Yay for compersion! And yay for your friends dating cool people that you now become friends with.

nzlaur invited me to go with her and a bunch of others out to Freddie's for karaoke. Not being one to pass up an opportunity to sing, I readily agreed. And so she and I had a great talk on the way there. I really love her... she's so sweet and nice. (And DAMN can she sing!) And so I went to Freddie's near Crystal City for the first time. Great gay bar. I sang a number of things, and now a bunch of Crucible-goers are like "damn, we had no idea you had this talent! You need to get back into musical theater, girl!" Which makes me smile and blush.

And there was this cute fat chick there that I totally wanted to hit on, but didn't have the nerve to. I chatted her up a bit, got her name, looked at her photography (which I really DID enjoy) and found out she hangs out there often. I'll go back sometime.

And buz1 and BL took me home, old kinky leatherdyke friends of mine that I haven't seen in years. It was so good to see them again... they were always so nice to me when others wouldn't even talk to me.

I think I'm going to take another shot at being in the leatherdyke scene again. But this time, I'm going with friends.

So that was my night.

My brain isn't remembering things in order, so I'll try to do this.

Friday morning started out with a good breakfast with motorhead05, nyghtowl and B. The hotel's restaurant was exorbitantly expensive, but NyghtOwl stays at that hotel often enough that he managed to get breakfast vouchers.

I went to the class on Fire Play with PyroSadist. I tried it once before with him, during an Exploratorium, and didn't like it... it was too painful. But then I tried it again, both topping and bottoming, with someone else, and liked it. So I tried my hand at topping with it. After the initial "zomg I'm afraid it's going to hurt my hand", I started getting into it. Especially the lighting your hand on fire and then warming up your bottom with it part. 'Cause, you know, my hands are ALWAYS cold. And then I bottomed to it. And, dude, did I go into happy floaty space. I left that class a babbling mess. Which didn't help with meeting people I arranged to meet at a later time. They musta thought I was a space case. (Really, I explained what happened, and they seemed to understand.)

As much as I hate to say it, I think that was some of the best play I got all weekend. Must do this again. Must also make my own fireplay wands to do this with others. Yay fire!

Oh, and at herodotusjr, sorry, but when you say "At least you're not on fire!" I'm going to have to say now "I know! I'm not on fire! It sucks!"

I skipped my 2nd morning class, I believe to talk with wylddelirium and some with ninjaslug. It's hard to catch Del for long periods of time, but he was waiting for others, so we had a decent amount of time for a good conversation on NOLOSE, fat, fetish, piercing/gauging, gender and other cool topics.

In the afternoon, I was hurting emotionally for some reason (I don't remember now... it was a very moody weekend for me, probably due to being on my period), and was wondering if I should attend my class on Service for the Novice Top.

Moar l8r.

Note: These recounts will be incomplete due to the stress of the event making my brain not process or remember all that went down. If there's something we did together and I forgot about it and you want it posted, let me know. Also, if I don't put your real name and you'd like it in, or if I don't put your LJ name and you want it in, let me know.

Well, let's see. Where to begin?

My suitcase was already full of clean clothes from going to Williamsburg last weekend with winterroseasfr. So that made packing a lot easier.

However, getting there was trickier. Didn't want to risk Metro frisking mah bagz, so I took bus instead. 70 to I think the D6. Dropped me off right at the hotel. Giant heavy ass suitcase 3 blocks to the bus and then lugging it around from there is never fun, but I dealt.

When I got there, I saw motorhead5 and nyghtowl checking in. I keep having this thing with nyghtowl where we both will show up at events held at the Hyatt at the exact same time w/o even trying. It's kinda weird, but quite convenient. nyghtowl offered for me to crash with him again this time, which was quite nice of him. I remembered to bring earplugs, as he snores louder than a chainsaw.

Checked in, got our stuff up to the room. I forget what those fuckers went off to do, but I went to the pre-con meet & greet. Had good blue cheese, schmoozed, met some ppl I had seen on the event website. Always a good thing.

And then the 2 fuckers (it's just easier to call them that) and I went off to a cigar bar in the Metro Center-y area called Shelly's Backroom. Fantastic ambience, good food, good drinks, good service. (PRICEY!) Interesting clientele. Men and women (more women than I would have expected, actually. And certainly not just butch women.) in either casual clothes or business wear. Got initiated into the NyghtOwl fold by playing the Movie Game with them. I'll have to teach it to my movie geek friends sometime... ya'all'll like it. Was taught the fine art of cigars by nyghtowl, who not only is an aficionado, but is also a fetishist.

OH! And I had nyghtowl choose a drink and a cigar for me. I had never had a man order for me before, and I always wanted to try. It was kinda D/s-y and sexy. Sometime I'd even like to let a guy choose dinner for me, too. (Any takers?)

nyghtowl and I have an interesting dynamic. We're both switches, and we both enjoy gender play. So sometimes he's Sir/Daddy and I'm boi. Sometimes *I'M* Daddy and HE'S boy. Sometimes he's Dom and I'm sub of whatever gender. But most of the time, we're equals. We slip into and out of play casually and sometimes rapidly. And having spent more time together this weekend, we've grown even closer. I'd compare our relationship to being very similar to the one I have with RS, close friends who love each other w/o being in love with each other, but with more play. But that might be because we see each other rarely and most of the time, it's in a place with BDSM. I have a feeling if we lived near each other, it would be more like with RS. Which is interesting, because they're both tall, large men. They kinda remind me of each other.

Anyway, throughout the weekend, we'd fall into quick and easy play together. I would help him with his boots. Do little things for him. Call him Sir. He'd call me boy occasionally. I liked that.

Cabbed back (first time in a cab since they changed to the meter system. I'm curious to see how much it costs to go from Chinatown to the Crucible now.), had B. (don't know his LJ name either) crash with us.

An excellent, non-kinky start to BR.

Next entry will be Friday.

The way to define what BR was to me this time was "nothing I had planned or hoped for, but so much I had never expected". I'm realizing that the best way to measure this weekend isn't by "how many of my plans went through?" (0) but "how many things I'm going to have to change on my profiles that were under the 'hard limit' list that now will have to go into the 'curious about' list?" (at least 3).

I'm now curious about more traditional D/s (curious? try desperately needing), I'm now curious about protocol (craving some of it, really), and I've now bottomed in a sadistic scene where I screamed in agony and cried. (And I actually asked to scream and cry more, even though I HATED it. Weird, eh?)

So, yes, I'm nice and curious and confused now. So much that I'm tempted to change my Role to "Unsure". Which I'm now defining to mean it was a productive weekend.

More later.

(Oh, and HI to all my new friends!)

Here's my schedule during BR 2008. If you're viewing this so you can schedule play with me, know that the only mandatory obligations I have are to DM and the Erotic Hypnosis Meetup. I've listed the classes I'm interested in mainly for my own scheduling use... but if you can make me a better offer of things to do with that time, I'm up for it. :-) Let me know (via the BR messaging system, via comments on here [they are unscreened], via email or however) and I'll schedule you in accordingly.



EDIT: And apparently LJ doesn't like iframe or Google Calendar's embedded calendars. To check out my schedule,here are some links.

HTML: http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=h90oid51r2rtimi659jc233h9g%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/New_York

XML: http://www.google.com/calendar/feeds/h90oid51r2rtimi659jc233h9g%40group.calendar.google.com/public/basic

iCal: http://www.google.com/calendar/ical/h90oid51r2rtimi659jc233h9g%40group.calendar.google.com/public/basic.ics

Google Calendar ID: h90oid51r2rtimi659jc233h9g@group.calendar.google.com

Deflowering a young man, getting a new corset-like thing, meeting someone who wants to do Doctor Who play with me and someone who resembles Sylar in looks and will dominate me from that standpoint, seeing old friends and getting free food to take home with me makes a WONDERFUL day and a great trip to the Crucible.

Oh, and lots of neck nibbles and licking strawberries and whipped cream off of pretty geeky girlies. And having more offers for play than I could do in one night. And refreshing my DM training. Yes, it all makes for a good day.

Moar later. And now off to masturbate and sleep. Tomorrow's Ren Fest!

(Just felt like using a Doctor Who icon and thought that one would be fitting.)

I suppose I should update.

( What I did )

( What I'm going to do )

( Costume Ideas? )

( Computer Problems )

So that's what's going on in my life.

Things that drive me batty. When people do the whole Uppercase/lowercase thing. When they go "Hello A/all!" and stuff like that.

1.) it's completely fucking inane 2.) it's TERRIBLY hard to read 3.) it's you forcing your D/s on someone else w/o their previous consent. Not everyone in the scene plays with D/s. Not everyone who is a dom wants subs to approach them out of scene from a place of lesser power. It makes me TERRIBLY uncomfortable when someone else takes away their own personal power and gives it to me w/o asking me first or even prior contact.

Unless you've prevously entered into a D/s relationship of sorts with people, you are EQUAL to everyone in the room or the chatroom or the forum or whatever. Just like out in the real world. Not everyone in the kink community is into power play or wants to play your power games with you. I have nothing wrong with other people being in D/s relationships, but when they start forcing it on me and on other people, that's when I have a problem with it. Just because you're in a kink friendly place doesn't mean you can act out your power exchange with other people who haven't consented to it yet.

There's a difference between being kinky friendly/kink accepting and willing to play along with your kink w/o you even ASKING me if I wanted to.

That's one thing I don't like about kink clubs. There's an atmosphere of "because you're kinky, if I do XYZ kinky thing to you, it will be ok." And, no, it's not ok. If you don't know me, don't make assumptions, and approach me as an equal.

This is the same problem I have with (almost always male submissives) automatically referring to me as "Ma'am" when making first contact with me. The last time I checked, I was NOT your mistress. We are NOT in a relationship of power exchange with each other. Therefore I want you to approach me from a position of equals. Like it or not, you ARE my equal, because we are not in a power exchange relationship. You are the equal of EVERYONE in the room that you don't already have a prior power exchange agreement of sorts with. Not only that, if you read my profile, you would have known that I do not identify as a femdom nor do I dominate from a position of femaleness. I prefer Sir or sometimes Doctor.

Oh, and this goes for all Dom(me)s that expect you to call them Sir or Ma'am or expect you to give them respect even if you don't know them. I'm sorry, but I don't care how much of a lauded person you are in the BDSM community, you're not MY dominant, so I'm going to treat you as an equal person to me. If you're a long standing, well known name in the community, I'll give you the respect that someone of advanced experience has.

Actually, this is why I wish the terms we used in the BDSM community to show power exchange respect were different from "sir" and "Ma'am". Because those words are used in the outside world to show respect for someone of advanced experience and I'd like to be able to use them from that place when in the clubs. I want to show that I recognize your status as a wiseperson or an elder, but that I'm not showing any type of submission or power exchange, that I want to be treated as equals.

It was late, and I was doped up on Benadryl (it was supposed to make me sleep! Instead, I blame it for this), and I got to wondering if the numbers in the X girls, Y cups XKCD were accurate.

I did a little research and found that they were made up.

So I did it, so you didn't have to.

I did the research myself and threw together a little Google Spreadsheet with the results. I only wish I could say that I used a script to run the searches, grab the data and put it into the spreadsheet. But nope. All done by hand.

Note that I used the phrase in quotes and I used proper grammar. (E.g. "2 girls 1 cup" instead of "2 girls 1 cups" or "1 girl 2 cups" instead of "1 girls 1 cups".) If it had omitted results, I left them omitted.

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pvn448atKdTy6RyQ9uC5HbA

Feel free to spread it around to your geeky friends. (I've always wanted to be the originator of a meme. :-) )

This is awesome:


But THIS is awesomer:


...any questions?

(And for the record, saying that she "recently" made the fetish map is an error. An original version of the map was published in her book Deviant Desires in 2000. ...what?! I'm just being accurate here!)

I originally wrote this up to reply to an email a potential new play partner wrote me. I liked my reply so much, I decided to share it.
( Role play serves many purposes for me. )

I realized something today in the car. It's not the acts of BDSM that draw me in... it's the personas. I'm not turned on by an offer to be flogged (although I do enjoy a good flogging)... what turns me on is who you're going to be while flogging me. And I think that's why I never seem to be able to find what I'm looking for at the clubs. Everyone's going around offering their services, telling you what they can do to you... I don't care what you can do to me... I want to know WHO you're going to be for me. It's then, within that framework, that the acts become erotic. Yes, there are some actions that are just so incredibly hot, but I think it's because those actions are seriously intertwined with a persona. Whispering dark things in your ear or holding a knife to your throat... those aren't just actions, but behaviors that establish the kind of person(a) that's doing it to you. A dark, scary person(a).

This is why I'm often times so deeply disappointed when I go to the club. Because I need RP as a significant portion of a hot BDSM experience. And very very few people play roles. I am roleplay sexual. And I'm not getting my needs met. Too few experiences work to my desires.

So reading various threads on power exchange, on power being taken vs. power being given, and on apparently the Internet D/s thing of "gifting one's submission", I feel an urge to write.

Some people put down the whole power exchange for power being taken. It's funny, I like playing with both. When I'm feeling subby, I'm giving my power, and it's more quiet, more pet-like w/o the whole animal part. It can happen in a reasonably public setting. Most of the time, it just looks like my sitting at someone's feet while they sit in a chair, and they just gently stroke my head. Hell, winterroseasfr did it the other day with me with WG and his kids sitting in the living room watching TV (Good Eats... they're all big fans) with us. I just kinda curled up at Rose's feet, as I have a wont to sit on the floor anyways (always have. I use couches more as a backrest than as something to sit on.) and he started petting my head. I don't think anyone (but possibly him) knew I was getting my submissive need met. It was certainly appropriate to do around his teens and 21 year old.

And yet, I play with power being taken, however, the funny part was is I never thought about it as power exchange until now. I like rough sex. I like "non-con". I like being taken, being forced, and when I don't get enough of it, I don't feel completely satisfied as a person. But I never thought of it as part of power exchange until now. I always just thought about it as rough sex, possibly as kinky sex, but never as power exchange. Even though it clearly is. Weird. Maybe because when I'm having that kind of sex, I'm not feeling that whole submissive vibe I feel above, and I don't consider myself submissive in that context. Mainly because I'm not submitting... I enjoy the struggle, I like fighting back, I enjoy bantering with my "captor".

And as for the gifting thing... what a shame it's seen as a silly Internet thing that only people who only do BDSM or D/s online do. Because it's a better metaphor for how I do submission than anything else I've found as of yet. So for the record, I just want to say that, honestly, I've done very little online D/s. I'm not active in an online BDSM relationship. The times I've done it in the past have mainly been with lovers I've had that we did it in offline settings, but we were just doing it online because we were in a LDR and we couldn't be together at the time. Also, it's usually done as part of a greater role play scene or setting. My gifting of my submission to people didn't happen because of some schmuck on collarme.com. It happened because that's just the way it works for me so far.

I just realized why the whole "I'm not allowed to do ______ because master said so" or "Daddy told me to do _________ and so I did" gets under my skin so much (other than the whole feminist-gone-too-far thing)... it gets under my skin because it's not my style, because I don't get it. Yes, CableFlame, we knew that. But HERE'S the breakthrough.

Because in my head, I heard a voice, That Voice, That Inner Voice, The One That Gives Me Breakthroughs When I'm Quiet Enough To Hear It, say

"That's because you don't want to have something taken from you, but rather you choose to give."

And... YES! Yes, yessity yes yes! A thousand times yes!

My submission isn't my will taken from me. It's not about someone telling me what I am and am not allowed to do (I'm too fucking "feminist" (read: stubborn and control-freaky and having had enough of that from my parents, and fuck you society, I am my own woman and noone tells me what I can and can not do!) for that). For me, it's about my voluntarily GIVING myself over to them. It's "Here. Here's my will. Here's my body, here's my mind, do with them as you wish. I am my gift to you. Please take me and let me serve you in the way that I serve. Let me be lower than you, let you cherish and pet me. Let me be beautiful and small and quiet and silent. Be above me, hold power and sway over me, let me be beneath you and be the smaller, lesser. Be the God and I will be your human."

I understand that D/s is feminist. I understand that people who are told what they can and can not do are still doing feminist acts, as they chose this and this feels right for them. But my hearing about this, it just pushes all of the "hubby won't let me do __________" buttons, it pushes all of the "you are your own person, and noone has any right telling you what you may or may not do, especially if it's something you want to do!" buttons.*

I suppose I don't get D/s the way it's done traditionally. I suppose I never will. I just can't grok that, because my self-determination is such an important part of who I am, because of the way I was raised and controlled and mismanaged as a child.

But do know that I, too, feel subby, and my subbyness is not that of you taking things away from me but that of my giving over my devotion to you. My alterna-D/s nature is that of giving.

*(All that being said, sometimes I do want them to ask things of me, and I do want to do things for them. But it's more of a "I ask you to do this because you want ways to show me your devotion to me. It's completely your choice and if you don't, I won't think you're any less devoted to me. Do you choose to do this?" thing than a "I have to do this because Master/Daddy/Mistress told me I have to" thing.)

I want to be tied up. Spread eagle, preferably. Doesn't have to be with rope... in fact, soft bondage cuffs are preferred. I want to be tied up and I want to struggle against my bonds. I want to banter with my captor, even though I know it's terribly futile. I want to be shown exactly how futile it is. And I want to struggle mentally, physically, verbally, and yet I want the terrifically inevitable to happen... I want him to take advantage of those spread apart legs and I want him to fuck my brains out. Perhaps starting with missionary, and then have a nice long fucking doggie style, because I don't get nearly enough doggie style these days, and then I'd like to end with missionary again, and preferably my own orgasm. If he orgasms in there, great, as long as I get to finish. If not, well, next time, or maybe later that day.

Who says I don't know what I want?

Any takers?

Have you checked out FetLife.com yet? No, really, have you? It's a free kinky site that doesn't suck (*cough* CollarMe *cough*). I've had better conversations about BDSM on here than I have in years of being out and kinky... stuff I usually only would talk about with people like niyamas.

You can tell it's done by kinky people, for kinky people. I was highly impressed by the number of choices for relationship status... I actually had to choose between "In an open relationship" and "polyamorous"... and that NEVER happens.

There's a couple of changes I'd make to the site, but the guy who started it is very open to making changes, so I submitted my ideas... hopefully they'll go into effect. And, damn, the standard messages of the site (like when you add something successfully or you get an error message) are conversational and amusing... human and funny.

No, seriously, really. I love this site and I've only been on it a few days.

Here, go check it out. No, really, check it out.



Oh, and I really need to thank nyghtowl for introducing me to this site. Thanks so much, hon! I owe you one big time!

winterroseasfr and I went to the Crucible last night. It was the first time since meeting him, and the first time since I was informed they would no longer be requiring my volunteer services, something that was a huge slap to the face to me, as I love the Crucible as if it were my own. I feel so at home there.
( Please keep reading by clicking the cut. )

I have a lot more to write, but I'm feeling tired and don't feel like writing it right now. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of this post, where I learn things about my friends I never knew before and put someone into a hypnotic trance using the Dave Elman induction, among other things!

I miss winterroseasfr already. (Yeah, that's his scene name. Well, WinterRose is.)

The good news is, he's arriving here tomorrow night to spend time with me until I go up to NYC. (Don't tell him, but I'm going to see if I can convince him into coming, too. :-D)

I can hardly wait! (But I'll be a good girl and obey him. ;-) )

I also miss niyamas. I miss obeying Niy, too.

And I miss being under. And by under, I mean in hypnotic trance. There's something delicious and addictive about it, much like being in subspace.

Oh, and Winter totally honored me by letting me be the first person to do one of his major erotic kinks with him. And I'm totally honored and I feel so special about it. (I'll give more details if he lets me.) So, yeah, it was such a thing of beauty to help his very deep-set erotic needs/fantasies come true.

It's God knows how many hours later.

He's still here. He never left.

We had a *7* hour play session... one long scene. He's hypnotized me a number of times today, including for that scene. Where I was me and he played the Doctor. And we talked and talked and talked and had some crazy sex. I spent *7* hours being constantly hypnotized and re-hypnotized. By the Doctor himself. :-D

Hee. Just... HEE.

*giggle*

OH! And I convinced him to give me his cool-ass shirt for the Benevolent Order of Erotic Hypnotists and Mind Controllers. Here. You can haz image:
( NO SRLSY. U CAN HAZ IMAGE. )

He maeded it. Teh image and teh shirt itself. Oh! And it's in that charcoal color I love.

The short version.

Got my phone from pony_sprite.

Wandered over to the Dark Odyssey hotel.

Stumbled upon nyghtowl.

Hung out with him and met his SO at the train.

He paid for me to go to DO for one night.

Found out they were doing a Superheroes & Supervillains meet & greet later that night.

Couldn't decide between going as Doc Ock and The Doctor.

Nyghtowl's SO started geeking out over the Doctor so I decided to go as that.

Came home, rested, made myself a nice, meatless dinner (yay clam sauce!), watched some more (MOAR?) of the Doctor Who TVM, washed up a bit, got my Doctor clothes on, headed downtown.

Went to the mixer. Wandered a bit with Nyghtowl's SO.

Was standing with a group of people. Some dude spotted my sonic screwdriver.



HE PULLED OUT HIS OWN LAZER SCREWDRIVER.



Yes, folks, there was a guy dressed as the Master. We immediately started geeking out. Playing with our roles, talking about Who and kink and sex... and lolcats. :-)

And then we were on the wrestling mats that the other superheroes and villains were on. (BTW, there were some INCREDIBLE costumes... especially Dr. Ignor Ant and the Crimson "Disco" Tide.) And the next thing I know, I'm playing the Doctor and he's playing the Master... and he's KISSING ME.

TEAM TIEMCOCK INDEED.

(Of course, I had to say that after the kiss. And we both broke down into fits of laughter.)

So we had hawtt Whovian sex all night. Yeah, you heard me. It was like a dream come true. Hell, it WAS a dream come true.

At one point we wandered over to the play room, where wylddelirium and I gave him his first needle experience. Which was win.

Next, moar Whovian sex, and then he did erotic hypnotism on me... which was especially fun because, well, you know, the Master can hypnotize people, and at one point he was talking to me when I was hypnotized and he was talking to the Doctor. So yeah, that was interesting.

And now it's 3:30, and he's sitting on my bed as I type this up. He's staying here the next few nights instead of having to go stay with his friends in Baltimore. Yeah.

So, yeah, dream come true. What are the odds?

He's supposed to move to Hollywood in a few months. I'm trying to talk him into moving to DC instead. Maybe I should have him teach me how to use hypnotism and use it on him instead? ;-)

Oh, and he kinda looks like a younger Eldritch. Which is a little weird, but kinda cool.

So, yeah. That was the short version. :-D

The long version may or may not follow tomorrow. :-D

I miss needles.

I do.

I miss getting needles. Thin needles, the ones that hurt the least but still kick in the endorphin rush. Like 24s or, ooh, even better, 25s.

I got 22s and 20s last time, and they HURT. And the more it hurts, the more my trip goes bad.

I want needles, under the hand of a caring needle top. Or maybe just under the hands of niyamas.

I also want to give needles. I've done it to myself a number of times now, but I like giving to others.

Who wants to give me needles?

(And why doesn't LJ have any of the moods I'm in? No "longing", no "reminiscent", no "needy", no "wanting", no "unsatisfied". WTF?!? Oh, wait, it does have nostalgic. That'll have to do.)

I just had the most amazing night and scene with niyamas. Absolutely mind blowingly awesome.

All I know is I got to play the Doctor with him, and he topped me, and ZOMG YAY it was completely mindblowingly amazing, and for different reasons than you might think. One of which is that when I'm the Doctor and I'm in scene, my limits and my tastes are DIFFERENT. Sometimes completely different.

See the Doctor above in my icon? Yeah, that's how he felt and how I felt/feel. Enraptured. Overtaken with emotion and feeling. Experiencing. BEING.

And, WOW, all blissed out on endorphins. I've never had this much of an endorphin high from a regular scene. I usually only feel anything like this with needles.

Yay.

(BTW, want to hear more about this scene? It's blogged about in the journal for the Doctor that I RP/keep. the8thdoctor)

Companion. We call it companion. And I like that. I really, really like that.

( Writings on my companion, what our relationship means to me, and what he means to me. )

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF RASSILON CROSSPOST ANYWHERE APPROPRIATE!

From pony_sprite
goLEATHER Northeast is holding its first meeting/party on Saturday January 26th in Rockville, MD!

What is goLEATHER?

goLEATHER was started in April 2005 in Ft. Lauderdale, FL as a pansexual group for anyone age 21-35 and their partners, primarily as a support structure for young, kinky people. We focus on the leather community, but any fetish or interest is welcome. As a group goLEATHER members have participated in educational and charity events, taken leather shopping trips, gone to restaurants, movies, bars, and other places in leather, and traveled to events across the country.

goLEATHER is NOT a BDSM play club or a sex club. The world has a number of organizations dealing with BDSM, however where other groups focus more on "how-tos" of kinky play, goLEATHER focuses on leather as a community: people with a shared history, culture, tradition, and sense of belonging. As such, goLEATHER considers itself a compliment to other BDSM organizations, especially ones targeting the same age range like TNG, and we hope to coexist with such groups and provide a distinctly different feeling and environment for those who wish to attend our meetings and events.

goLEATHER members come from all races, gender identities and sexualities, but we're all attracted to leather, BDSM, the leather community, or some kind of kink. We're an educational and social group, with the goal of helping you explore without doing it all alone. Maybe you already know a lot about leather/BDSM and you want to connect with other like-minded people your age. Maybe you know nothing about it but want to know more. Or maybe you just like wearing leather/rubber/latex/levis/uniforms/whatever, without all the "painful stuff." We welcome all kinds of young people, to help you grow and develop at your own pace.

goLEATHER Northeast's first meeting will be held in a transit-accessible location in Maryland on January 26th, 2008 from 4pm till our hosts throw us out! Our first formal meeting will dissolve into a social party and potluck so please bring something with you if you are attending. Please contact the email below privately for location information. As always, goLEATHER is 100% free to attend.

More information can be found at http://www.goleather.org
If you would like to RSVP and receive the address you can do so to at smileyponie@gmail.com

(x-posted all over teh blagoblags [and by that, I mean Teh LJ blagoblags])

Have I *really* not posted in a week? Huh, better change that.

Still working on my scarf whenever I get the time. I like the looks I get on the Metro for knitting. Who knew that knitting would get so many people to give you funny looks? Perhaps because it doesn't fit the rest of my image.

Volunteered at the Crucible tonight. People were in good Christmas spirits. People also were wearing more red and less black than usual. Which is good, because, ya know, one can be kinky w/o wearing any black at all. I know, it's contrary to popular opinion.

I met Lee "Bridgett" Harrington in person tonight. Nothing more than saying "Hi" and "Oh, I know you from your website", but still. I need to get over my shyness and fear of talking to "celebrities". Damn my parents for instilling in me that you don't "bother" celebrities by trying to get to know them like real people. (EDIT: And doh! I apologize for screwing up his name and, therefore, screwing up his gender. My bad!)

ninjaslug tied up wylddelirium with Christmas lights tonight and then put candy canes in the lights and had us come and take them off her body and eat them. That was amusing.

I worked the bar again tonight. I do enjoy working to the bar. I get all sorts of people talking to me that don't usually talk to me.

I wore my red sparkly shirt that shows off my tits. I bought it for Christmas a few years ago. In my cleavage, I stuck my sonic screwdriver, hoping to find some Doctor Who play, but instead it worked as a conversation piece. (Like the goggles I would wear sometimes did.) Which was good.

( Wherein life gets TRULY WEIRD )

I've been taking part in fandom on Second Life quite a bit this time around. It's the main place I go for my Doctor Who fix. I frequent "Cardiff & Doctor Who Experience" and have made quite a few friends there.

The subject of ageplay came up the other night while in the Doctor Who Experience. It's banned in SL for ridiculous legal reasons. I was discussing how ridiculous it was that it was banned, and someone piped up "no, see, I know the TRUTH about these people. They're actually pedophiles, they just don't want you to believe that."

Literally, some of my closest friends are ageplayers. I go to ageplay munches, because they're a fun group to hang out with.

I got a bit upset, but tried to teach her the truth, to reason with her. She wouldn't listen. She insisted she knew better than me and that I was harboring pedophiles. I logged off because I couldn't handle it... I was getting too angry... and I didn't want to say or do something I regretted. She called me a name as I left. (This REALLY made me angry. I do the right thing and walk away before I really blow up, and she calls me names for it? WTF?)

I try return to the Experience today, only to find that I've been banned from the place. Apparently someone took offense the other night to me speaking the truth about ageplay. And rather than say to the person "oh, well, people are allowed to have differing opinions" and to say to me "hey, don't talk about ageplay here anymore" (Which I'd be willing to do. It rarely comes up.), instead they take the path of least resistance and ban me. Me taking offense that my friends were being called pedophiles wasn't enough to get the other person banned, and if I took offense that, say, someone thought the Tenth Doctor was better than the Ninth Doctor, well, that probably wouldn't be enough either.

I'm saddened that they'd take the cowardly stand of the path of least resistance. I'm saddened they didn't give me a warning instead of just banning me outright.

I'm also sad that I just lost my fandom outlet. This happened to me with Doc Ock, when someone turned the rest of the fandom against me, and I was completely devastated.

But this time, it's different. I'm saddened by it, most definitely. But I believe in speaking truth, and I believe in standing up for my friends. And if this is what it takes to stand by my friends to have consensual experiences with adults and not be harassed or demonized for their kink, then so be it.

I just hope my ageplay friends are grateful for it. I hope they'd do the same for me and my kink. But even if they didn't, that's ok. I know I did what's right.

(The funny thing is that just the other day, I took a survey on BDSM and discrimination. I put that I was never discriminated against for my kink. I wish I could go back and retake the survey.)

So I've been promising you a scene report, of the amazing thing that happened to me on Friday night. Combine fatigue with a blurry memory and add in the fact that I just don't know where to begin, and that's why I'm late on this. But I must get this down. Because it's too incredible to leave to the chance that I may forget it.

Where to start? Perhaps I need to start weeks ago, when I decided I wanted to get into Doctor Who, because the show meant a lot to a number of my friends, as well as other ones just really really liked it.
( Wherein I reveal to you the course of my new fandom. )

( Ending up at BR XX )

( Lost Companion Looking for a Time Lord )

( Coming out about one's fandom in the BDSM scene )

( Time Lord Located )

( Getting to know you and negotiations )

( Preparations )

( The Scene: Captured by a Time Lord )

( Afterwards )

( In private )

( The Next Morning )

( Feelings )

All I know is that in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, there's a Time Lord living with his cats, but without his Companion. And in Takoma Park, MD, right on the border of Washington DC, USA, there's a Companion living with her goldfish and ratties, but thinking about the Time Lord she had to leave behind. Oh, of course, there will be other Time Lords, there will be other regenerations of the man, but, as they say...

You never forget your first Doctor.

I ended up going to BR XX on Friday night. And I found myself looking for a Doctor Who scene. I wore a badge saying "Lost Companion looking for a Time Lord". And a Time Lord was found for me.

I want to write a full scene report, but let's just say for right now, I know why they say "you never forget your first Doctor".

But it's 4:30 am and I'm falling asleep and my right foot has already decided to fall asleep ahead of time, so I'll tell you tomorrow.

Ever have dreams that you realize the point wasn't the content of the dream, but the way it made you feel?

The details are fuzzy on this, but last night, I dreamed of being with the Endless known as Morpheus, Sandman, Lord Shaper, and of sorta being a cross between a companion and a lover, and we were (I think) trying to get out of or leave some place, and he had discussions with others, but we were in a few different scenes together.

I remember walking with him as an equal, but when sitting by him, always sitting beneath him. If he sat on a chair, it was natural for me to take a place sitting beside his leg on the floor. I was his right hand woman.

But the important part was my feelings. I felt consummate love and complete adoration for him. It was all consuming, this feeling, this love. All I wanted to do was be beside him and it felt so natural to be "submissive" to him, because of his natural superiority. Because of the complete worshipful adoration I felt for him, I knew he felt affection and love for me. I swooned inside at his touch. I felt SO GOOD. It was my loving that I felt good from, my complete giving of the whole of the love in my nature, in my soul.

And when I woke up, I tried to recapture what was still left over of this feeling, and I've been kinda crashing emotionally from it all day, because after feeling that GOOD and that RIGHT, to not have those feelings anymore, to not be in that place, well, it hurts.

(Writing about it again is making the feelings come up again. Which is good.)

Perhaps I learned from this that what we gain from being in love isn't from the other person loving us, because there's no way for them to make us feel loved (that whole noone can make you feel anything thing), but rather we feel good from our loving them, from our giddy rush of joy, or, in that case, from the complete loving worshipful adoration I gave to him, that radiated from me.

I think I need some good D/s play. I think I need to find someone I'm enamored with that feels above me, on a different level than me (someone older and/or more mature), and be allowed to follow them around, perhaps carry their drink, be their assistant, and sit at their feet while they stroke my head. Still, I don't think it could be as deep and meaningful and... real/true... as that was. True superiors are in short supply. We don't have beings walking around that are truly superior than us. No aliens, no gods, no Endless, no Time Lords. Hell, not even quasi-superiors, like a brilliant scientist with metal tentacles. We just have other humans, some of whom are better than we are, some of whom are worse, but none of the level needed for the adoration I have in my heart. Even people who are more mature/better/more together than me are still people. We're still equal, they're just ahead. But we all have the equality of our essential humanity.

Perhaps this is linked to my need for spirituality/religion? Perhaps my need to be submissive and adoring of a superior being is both religious and D/s related? Perhaps they're the same? Is "Come let us adore him, Christ the Lord" just religious sanctioned D/s? Perhaps the church knows the need of some people to be submissive? Hell, "Islam" means "submission before Allah". (I really do need to meet a Muslim kinky person. I'd love to talk about how spirituality works with their kink practices.) Is D/s just a "sexual" expression (because it isn't always sexual. It wasn't sexual in my dream last night.) of a religious need? (I'm not saying atheist D/sers should turn away from D/s and go to religion. Not at all. Rather that they actually had the same need for submission that religious folk have [certainly not all religious folk have it, but look at major religions] but that they found satisfaction in expression through BDSM.)

Is it really just the same need with different ways of expressing it? Some people do 1, some people do the other, and some of us do both?

I know that some of my most intimate and chord-striking role play I ever did with Doc Ock was when me and another fangirl did it and she played Ramos!Ock and we did adoration scenes and quite a few of the words and phrases we used were directly from the Catholic mass (she was raised Catholic, too). My God, did those affect me so. Ramos!: "Why do you behave this way!?!" Me: "It is rightfully good to give you thanks and praise." GOOD SHIVER. (And on an aside, I need to get that other HD hooked up so I can read those logs off of it.)

So, yes, adoration play. *happy sigh*

I've named the gaming computer "Olympia".

I seem to have accidentally gotten myself into a polyamorous relationship with a wonderful fantastic sweet smart geeky hawt BHM of a kinda bi-ish code monkey guy named markwhi who's married to a really fantastic geeky smart nice sexy BBW bi Hawaiian gal. This is their first shot at being poly. This is my first time being in a poly relationship (as opposed to just having my relationships be sexually open). It's new territory for all of us, scary and challenging in different ways.

But when that's put aside, all I know is how much I lust for Mark and crave his embrace. Dear fucking CHRIST I want to do that boy 6 ways from Sunday. He's a switch with a serious submissive side, and somehow he's managed to have me desire topping him. Which is weird, because I don't get dominant with men. But with him, I have. Hell, one night, I even topped him from an energy place of me, and it was even me feeling slightly feminine. Which is like OMGWTFBBQ, because people who know me know that I get my dominance from a masculine place, and that I'm kinda afraid of femdoms. And yet he's quite good at being dominant, at being strong and forceful with me, at whispering in my ear in just the right way and shoving me down on the bed and putting a leash around me. *shudder* *shiver* YEAH. :-D

He's got some interesting and fantastic kinks, some of which are directly compatible with mine and others which are new territory for me (and you know how I love to learn about new kinks). He wants me to try piercing him. I'm going to see about asking him if piercing is a behavior that we can keep something that he won't do with his wife. I want SOMETHING that he doesn't share with her.

And it also seems that somehow he's able to genuinely enjoy doing erotic weight gain fantasy with me. Which is fantastic, because knowing he's getting into it makes me more comfortable doing it with him.

And the most fantastic of all... he won't run. I know he won't run and I genuinely believe it this time and I have only about 1% doubt that he might. And I know he can handle me and he won't run because he's had mentally ill family members in the past and knows how to deal with them.

I CAN'T SCARE HIM AWAY. THIS IS A FUCKING BIG DEAL. YAY.

So... yeah. Mark. Hee! :-D

So I'm reading this fabulous article about transwhatever in erotic fiction. Here... this article.. http://www.circlet.com/?p=29 Go read it, it's awesome.

Anyway, I come across this:

2. Disconnect penetration and power.

Now, I know why this is here. Because most people believe that the one doing the penetration has the power.

Well, I've done vaginal fisting. And I know that it's the one being penetrated that holds all the power.

Follow me for a second.

So... let's get into the basics of vaginal fisting. Basically, you get your person with a cunt (I'm not going to say "girl" or "woman" here because not all women have cunts, and all people with cunts aren't necessarily women) nice and worked up and turned on. You use lots and lots and lots of lube. And you work your fingers inside hir. 1 or 2, then 3, then 4, and then you have the tricky part. Slipping the thumb in, and, if you're lucky, you can get past the knuckles (that's always the hardest part) and if you're really lucky, you might even be able to get the thumb knuckle in.

And, honestly, there's not much "fisting" going on. You can't really make a fist inside of hir and you can't really move your hand too much because it's very intense. But you stimulate the vagina and, usually, they come.

And after they come, then the vagina starts to relax/tighten up again. Basically, it starts getting smaller and smaller, going back to its original state. And as it does that, it's doing that around your hand. And it starts to hurt. I mean, your hand is already cramped from being in that tight place and then that place starts closing in on you. You can't remove your hand.

That's right. Your hand is stuck. You need to request from your partner that they give you your hand back. Because you can't remove it on your own. And so they push and they let go of your hand.

At that point in time, THEY are the one holding all the cards. Your hand is at the mercy of their powerful vagina.

And THAT'S why the one being penetrated holds all the power.

And that's why I know that penetration and power go both ways. :-)