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I know this sounds totally bass-ackwards coming from my mouth, but I'm totally cool with GID being in the DSM and with people being (properly) diagnosed with it.

Before you all start yelling at me saying how being gender-different isn't a disorder, it's just the way we are, let me say... I AGREE WITH YOU. As someone who was born with girlie parts, who was assigned the gender female, but is genderfluid, I know better than most that sometimes I'm a girl, sometimes I'm a boy, and mostly I'm just me, which is more boy than girl.

Then why do I want it in the DSM? Why do I want people to be diagnosed with it?

Because lots of us need therapy dealing with our genders (NOT to change us, but to help us navigate them, and to help us navigate a society that sucks re: our genders), and plenty of people who are FtM and MtF would like to have hormones and/or surgery.

But you know what? INSURANCES WON'T COVER THESE THINGS W/O A DIAGNOSIS. No diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no appropriate treatment. No therapy. No hormones. No surgery. As someone who's gone through years of therapy, and often times have had to deal with BS diagnoses on paper just so I could get the therapy I desperately needed, I understand this more than most. (Not to mention being someone whose Mom worked as an office manager and did all the billing and insurance company work in a large psychiatric practice for many many years.)

So before trying to get rid of GID, how about changing the insurance system so that trans issues are covered? Because right now, I know lots of folks are fighting for trans stuff to be covered at all.

Or, of course, there's always the other option. The controversial one that I'm not supposed to talk about. (But I'm going to anyway, even though I'm terrified I'm going to lose some of my friends.) Which is the option that maybe it is a disorder... BUT THAT'S OK. There's this prevalent thought that if you have a disease or a disorder, that it's BAD and that it must be removed, or at least managed and the person pitied.

As a person who's had to live with a disorder all hir life, and who's been diagnosed with one since age 8, I've TOTALLY fought with the whole self-esteem + acceptance of what I have thing. I've totally gone "if what I am is ok, if there's 'nothing wrong with me', how come there's clearly something wrong with me? " Fuck, I STILL struggle with this. (Ask morningboon about the freaking out, screaming and crying.)You may say left, right and center that being ADHD is ok, or even that there's "no such thing; rather, a society that's not set up for you", but it NEVER changes the fact that I still have my symptoms, and I STILL struggle with everyday tasks. And when you're in the middle of breaking down because you can't do something stupid and simple, it's hard to remember that you are still an ok person.

I think the problem is we equate "ok person" with "normal"... STILL. Despite our acceptance of diversity, we still want to see that diversity as "normal". Which I understand. But I also realize that some things AREN'T normal, and what's fucking wrong with that? Why is it that not normal is judged as bad, and normal is judged as good? Why can't we say "I'm abnormal, and I'm good." and "I'm not normal, and I'm ok."? Normal doesn't mean good or even ok. Think of it more like "average" or "standard deviation". (Would that be sigma 0 or sigma 1? That is, what's the top of the bell curve called? I forget.)

With transgender/GID, the truth is, external gender DOESN'T match internal gender. And so some corrections need to be made. AND WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IS THE EXTERNAL GENDER, *NOT* WHAT'S INSIDE. Saying that "nothing's wrong" and "we're fully normal" is screwing ourselves over. There IS something wrong, and many transpeople know it. Their outsides don't match their insides. But that being wrong DOESN'T mean it's BAD. And it doesn't mean we need to fix the insides to match the outsides. Society has tried that, and it doesn't work. (Not to mention in our world we find it a lot more distasteful to try to change someone's personality than their bodies... or have we? [Therapy does seem to be more acceptable than body mods.]) We've found that matching the outsides to the insides works a hell of a lot better, so it's what we do. We don't do "reparative therapy", we play with hormones and clothing and surgery to correct what Nature got wrong, or however you choose to put it.

So, yeah, maybe trans IS a disorder. I mean, it's clear the outsides don't match the insides. But the disordered part is the OUTSIDE, not the inside.

And for those who feel that they don't want it to be called a disorder because of the shame associated with disorders... what about me and my ADHD? And my depression? And my Seasonal Affective Disorder? If I have to live with at least 2 mental disorders and learn to be ok with myself despite that horrible word, perhaps you can learn to be ok with yourself despite that diagnosis. How is it fair to me? By you saying that you need to get rid of the word "disorder" in the term, you're saying that there's something wrong with having a disorder. Which implies that there's something wrong with me having ADHD, SAD, and whatever other Ds, which brings us back around to "if there's nothing wrong with me, why is there something wrong with me?". Nowhere in the word "disorder" is there a word that means "bad". There are parts that mean "lack of order". (And, once again, we assign the value judgement "good" to "order", and let me tell you... as a naturally disordered ADHD person [I can't keep anything tidy, chaos feels better to me than too much order], I get real fucking sick of that value judgement.)

And for those whom the diagnosis doesn't actually help, who are just gender-variant but don't require any kind of physical correction, because they're ok with their bodies, because they're just tomboys or femmeguys, I'm sorry you got misdiagnosed.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or simply no-ho, no-op, but still feel like the body is wrong, then good on you for choosing (or having to live with) the body you have.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or no-ho, no-op but are ok with the bodies they have, then good on you for being ok with your body.

I guess in the end I'm saying that if we're going to keep GID as a diagnosis, then the problem isn't having GID as a diagnosis, but the problem is the way it was treated in the past. Remember, diagnoses don't necessarily have to be thrown out... you can just change the treatment.

EDIT: The more I'm learning about the specifics of GID, the more I'm learning how it can be used to screw gender-variant kids over. I think the diagnosis as it lays would be more helpful to be used for adults only. And the whole part of (paraphrased) "causes distress in the home or workplace", whereas that's standard criteria for other disorders, and works well for them (which is why I do actually support paraphilias being in the DSM... but that's another post I'm going to post momentarily), can't really be an accurate assessor when you're talking about a behavior that's considered (wrongly) socially unacceptable. It's society that's fucked up here, not the person.

Questions? Comments (hopefully not too hateful)? Lemme at them!

Tonight's the Trans Pride March. Here's the sign I'm carrying.



And, yes, the rainbow part was done in glitter. :-D

This is one of the coolest things I've heard about in a long time. Not to mention is the embodiment of my life's goal and my philosophies: re. sex and information made manifest. I encourage my sex-positive Open Source/Transparent mindset friends (which covers pretty much all the queer, kinky and hacker friends I have, which is the majority of my friends) to check this out and get hella involved.

You can bet your sweet asses I'll be there. (miscreeds, I'll need to crash with you during this, k?)

In short, for the hackers: It's Barcamp, but with sex.

In short, for the sex positive folk: It's a conference on sexuality, kink, and gender where everyone participates and noone's just an attendee. It's as open as possible: free, all talks can and will be recorded, information from the talks will be spread on the web afterwards. It's to get everyone in on the discussion on sexuality, it's to get everyone sharing and teaching with everyone else, and it's to get sexual information available to all people, regardless of age, socioeconomic station, gender, sexuality, etc.

So... check it out!

( MOAR INFO INSIDE )

My congregation, Capital Kehillah, isn't having High Holiday services this year. And all the services I would consider going to at Sixth and I (my synagogue building) are already full. The only one that isn't someone from DC2600 goes to, but they have a mechitza, a separation between the men and the women, and with my genderfluid nature, I never feel comfortable being forced to sit with the women. If I had to pick a gender for myself, I'd prefer to sit with the men. It feels more right. But how do I explain this to them? They see tits and insist female. (I'm almost considering binding my breasts and trying to pass male. But I doubt I could, and if I get discovered, I don't want to insult anyone. I'm just trying to go with what's in my soul, with the way I've been created, with what comes naturally to me.)

So I'm homeless this year for the High Holidays. I ended up missing Pesach, and now no Rosh Hashanna or Yom Kippur. I know I've mostly lost touch with my Jewishness, but this is a sure fire way to lose touch. I was thinking a few weeks ago to observe Shabbat... I think I really need to this Friday. I know winterroseasfr isn't into the whole religion thing, but I do enjoy sharing with him things that mean a lot to me. And my Jew-ishness is important to me.

Not only that, herodotusjr and I used to go together. In fact, one of the last things we did together before he left for Milwaukee was attend High Holiday services together. We also went to the MD Ren Fest. And this year I can't go to Ren Fest and I'm not going to have services with my synagogue. One more thing of herodotusjr that I'm losing.

Oh, man. I just realized what I'm losing. It's not just High Holiday services. It's the shivers and tears that the Avinu Malkeinu (one of the prayer/chants) gives me. It's that soul rocking experience I get in synagogue. It's the welcome home I feel when I see the beautiful stained glass window above the bimah. It's the Ordeal of not eating anything for 24 hours, the community created by everyone not eating together, everyone going through that same experience, and the joys of that first meal, of Break the Fast. (Never before has tuna salad tasted so good.)

Oh, what have I lost? How can we endure it?

Here. wylddelirium writes awesome things on gender stuff. Go read it. (I think her and I are on similar pages sometimes when it comes to gender and genderfluidity.)

http://wylddelirium.livejournal.com/890594.html

(I'm also noticing I have a tendency to split my infinitives, but that's neither here nor there.)

I also need a good gender icon.

EDIT: And, of course, that entry has to be locked. Well, I don't know what to say, folks.

I think my favorite part about having a butch side is being a gentleman.

And I've finally found a word for the FAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS drag queen I've always had inside me: I'm a faux-queen. Yay for Wikipedia!

Oh, and a 3rd thought: the soundtrack to The Music Man simply pwnz. That is all.

I still need a gender icon.

Oh, and I'm sick as a dog right now. God, it fucking sucks.


Oh, and wanna see pics of winterroseasfr and me? Here...
( ZOMG PICS INSIDE )

It's adorable when you're watching your friends go through puberty all over again. And it's interesting when they go through it (again) at 30 something, because they're cognizant of it enough that they can really watch it and enjoy it and even blog about it, instead of just reacting to it like I/we did in high school.

We really need a "coming of age - female" party for potpourrifae.

Yeah, this sounds like one of those "I found out who I was as a woman" and then went forward to be some feminist über-woman. One of those "women centered" things.

For me, it's not like that at all.( Keep on readin'! )

So I'm taking this test on OKCupid called "Are you a Gentleman?" If you want to check it out, here's the URL. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/13595048909329752503/Are-you-a-Gentleman-

And as I'm taking it, I'm realizing how very different chivalry is for biomen/transmen than it is for women/genderfluids/genderqueers. I'm also realizing how different feminism is for biomen in regards to gentlemanlyness/chivalry than it is for women in regards to chivalry. So many of the questions made assumptions or inserted the writer's attitudes towards what it means to be a man and a gentleman. In fact, I was almost done with the test when I stopped taking it, not able in clear conscience to answer some of the questions and have my results up on my profile.

Note: what I'm putting below isn't what I think of all men, all chivalry, or all feminism, but is rather what was made clear to me via this test. Most likely, this is how it is for some men.
( Read more... )

I've been mulling this around in my head for days, possibly even weeks now. I've been meaning to post on this for a while.

I have a problem when it comes to dating women. Let me rephrase that. I have a problem with dating women in this area. Or perhaps dating isn't the best phrase. Perhaps I should say FINDING women to date.( Keep Readin'! )

Edit: I'm a queer amongst queers. Somehow, this is fitting. This is appropriate. I've ALWAYS been a queer amongst queers, using the other definition of queer. I've never fit in, even when I'm with others that don't fit in, when I'm with alternative communities, communities of people that don't fit in, be they the geek community or the BDSM community or whatever. (Actually, with the geek community thing, I've figured out that I AM a geek, through and through {hell, it may be the one thing that I definately AM, when everything else, when all the other labels fall away}, but that I'm not JUST a [techie] geek... that there's more to me than that)

(Feedback on this is more than appreciated.)

So I'm reading Drag King Dreams.

And I get to a part where Max, our main character, is dancing with Thor. Now, they never say anything flat out about people's genders in this book, you just get little hints now and then to help you figure it out.

Thor is referred to as he, but on a few occasions in the book, things are said to make you believe that Thor isn't a born bio-male. Stuff like, when talking about the custody trial, he mentions how when the judge awards his son to the son's father, he almost whoops for joy... until he realizes that the judge wasn't talking about him. Stuff like that.

Anyway, so Max is dancing with Thor, and at one point Max feels a hard cock against his thigh.

Which gets me thinking.

Ok, how could Thor have gotten a hard cock? Either Thor was wearing a hard pack (strap on) or Thor somehow has a working dick.

Up until now, my knowledge of phalloplasty was that the cock you get via phalloplasty isn't able to get hard on its own. That you had to stick a rod in it to fuck.

So let's say that now you CAN get a cock that can get hard. This changes things for me.( Nice long post about my relationship with my body and how it interacts with gender and the world. Please read. )
(BTW, if this confuses you on gender with me, know that I still prefer female pronouns and that, if one way of measuring gender for some people [not all... it won't fit some people, but it will work well for others] was a continuum like Kinsey had for orientation, I'd be on the man side, about 1/4 to 1/2 of the way away from man towards the center of the scale. Basically, I'd be significantly more man than woman, but still have a decent, non-zero quantity of woman in me. I haven't fully settled on words that describe my gender accurately, but I currently go with bi-gendered. I've also considered using "tomboy" as a gender word. It's not that I don't know what my gender is, it's more of a not having a word/the right words to describe it.)

Sometimes books get added to my "To Read" list not necessarily because the blurb interests me but because the title, when I see it, grabs me. It either takes hold of me and won't go away or it resonates with me and I *immediately* identify with it. This book is one of the latter.

Boys Like Her: Transfictions

Yes... "Boys Like Her". My God, does that fit me. It fits me to a tee. How honored I would be if someone said about me "boys like her". Not "boys like him" and referring to me, no. Because that doesn't quite fit. But "boys like her". Yes. A million times yes. :)

I need an icon where I'm portraying myself with my masculine side, where I'm the boy I was born to be, but not born physically to be.

I thought of this leaving the car in the parking garage. It may sound strange, but it makes exact perfect sense. I'm such a genderqueer. :-)

"I don't mind being a woman except for the times it gets in the way of my being a man."

One I can't help... the other was an intentional reminder.

1.) my period. it's hard to forget your a girl when you're fucking bleeding from your crotch. the rest of the month, I can RP just fine. I can ignore my boobs, I can wear my cock (hard or soft pack). But when I start bleeding from my cunt, and having to take care of that... yeah. This is how you remind me of what I really am...

2.) I have an F carved into my left arm. It's partially SI, it's partially totally intentional BM, scarrification. It stands for Failure, it stands for Freak. This is how I remind me of what I really am...

Yes, I should be putting this behind an LJ cut with a "triggering" modifier. But I'm not. You know why? Because, despite the (fucked up, insane) mental health profession's view on it, it's not a bad thing. (also because I'm just evil) It's a coping mechanism. When done right, it's less damaging then drinking. Or smoking. Or whatever. People SI because the pain causes adrenaline and endorphins to flow through one's brain. Pain causes triggers inside the brain to counteract it with happy chemicals. And those chemicals feel good. People SI not because they want to die or because their brain is wired wrong, but because it's wired RIGHT.

When I see the F is starting to fade, I refresh the wound. I want this on my arm. I've wanted it for years. I've wanted something to remind me. I finally figured out F.


Did overlord_mordax kiss it when I was up there? In an attempt to emotionally heal it and the pain it carries. I have a memory of her doing that... but it could have been just something I made up.


God, I'm so fucked up. Her parents were right. God I miss her. God falling apart isn't going to make her trust me any more. But I can be strong when I need to be... when I have to be. I just... I've had enough, life, can we make something go easier on me now? Please? Thanks...

...

1.) my period
2.) my F

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

(17:44:17) c4bl3fl4m3: but... but overlord_mordax's not like other girls, I've noticed
(17:44:21) c4bl3fl4m3: she's not really a girl
(17:44:25) c4bl3fl4m3: but she's not really a guy either
(17:44:31) c4bl3fl4m3: she's got her own gender thing going on
(17:44:38) c4bl3fl4m3: just like I do
(17:44:40) eightofhearts: yeah.
(17:44:50) c4bl3fl4m3: and we seem to have the same our own gender
(17:44:51) eightofhearts: androgyny happens.

Through the encouragement of overlord_mordax, I've decided to finally buy all of the clothes that I always wanted to own and be the freaky badass guygirl I've always had inside. So today I went out in search of a few special items I want/need for going to see her, and in search of a black or dark brown australian duster. Instead I found the trenchcoat I've always wanted to own. I bought it... $15 at the thrift store.

It's that dark khaki that trenchcoats are often in. Its sleeves are too long, but that's the story of my life. Does anyone out there know how to hem sleeves on a lined coat?

Perhaps I'll take pics sometime.

Now all I need is a fedora (make mine bright red, please!), a duster, a mantailored suit, and guy's shoes.

Heh... and a LiveJournal icon with me expressing myself as a guy. Yeah.

Because bipride just isn't cutting it. This is genderqueer.