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My Policy On Commenting On Political Posts
My Naming & Friending Policy

So NYE would have been better had my Internet and phone not gone out because of the high winds. I wasn't really able to reach anyone to make plans. However, I watched Idiocracy (which I had already watched half of before) and most of Hellboy (which I had already seen parts of before). But the tubes are tubing again, and I'm looking for things to do today. I'm thinking of going to Kramerbooks/Afterwords and getting something with the gift card that devvieish and asciilifeform gave me. Any takers?

Oh, and I think I have a thing for Hellboy. Besides, wouldn't it be hot to be fucked by a demon guy? The applications of his tail alone... *happy shiver*. And I bet he'd be a bit rough in sex. I'm thinking of going to the Superheroes and Supervillains thing at DO: WF as some form of Hellgirl. I've got the black pants (which I need to remember to tell my mom to return), I've got face paints now because of the BR Christmas party. I'd just need some horns (the sculpy ones you get at the ren faire would work... does anyone have a pair? Or, even better, anyone have some Sculpy/Fimo and we can make them?) and oh, how I wish I could borrow winterroseasfr's brown oilcloth duster. Perhaps I could convince him to mail it to me and I'll return it to him at Frolicon? I guess I'd need to do the hand somehow, but perhaps I could skip on that. And if I'm not mistaken, WR came back from Dragon*Con with The Samaritan, Hellboy's gun. Perhaps I could borrow that too. Should email WR.

Perhaps I should look on Cosplay.com to see how other people pulled it off?

I suppose I should update.

( What I did )

( What I'm going to do )

( Costume Ideas? )

( Computer Problems )

So that's what's going on in my life.

No nudity, but they do read some naughty things out loud.

Thanks to RS for passing this my way.

I've been working on fixing my Mac. It's been going a little like this.



I have acquired a 2nd Mac that I'm trying to use as a backup. Push comes to shove, I'm going through my 2nd reinstall in 2 days on the old fucker with the tiny primary partition that needs an upgraded chip (it's a G4 but only 356mHz). OTOH, I now have another G4. What should I name it? The partitions are currently named Islamorada. The current computers in my house are named Eden (the Mac I'm working on fixing) and Olympia.

I need to work on my presentation for HOPE. BTW, it's been mentioned on Cnet's news. http://news.cnet.com/8301-13554_3-9982240-33.html I haven't even given the presentation and I'm already getting press for it. Hee! :-D

And I still owe beehive_clover that smutty Eight fic in thanks for the paid account. I should probably watch the movie a couple more times before I do that though... it's been a while.

Not to mention I still need to email back 2 gentlemen that are vying for my attentions. I know the LJ of the one... I wonder if the other has an LJ?

kateorman posted about fandomsecrets and got me sucked in. I'd post the below there, but it's too long. That and I realized that people can still slam people in the comments, and the last thing I need is a slamming comment about this. (Hell, it's in part ABOUT slamming comments.)

*****

As I read fandomsecrets and I think back to my own life, I realize exactly how much fandom has given to the lives of all of us fans, how it has changed our lives irrevocably, and how it has given to us more than we can ever express. And then I think of how people get their hearts trounced by fellow fans every day, w/o those other fans thinking of the impact it may have upon the person they're trouncing. They don't think that perhaps the person is going through a rough time and fandom is all they have to get them through it. Hell, they don't even think that maybe it's ok for the other person to slash/pair/ship/crack whatever they want, because in the end, noone really gets hurt.

I also see all of the self-deprecating and self-hatred posts in FandomSecrets... all of the things people want to say or ship and are terrified to because they're afraid fandom may trample all over their little fangirl or fanboy hearts.

And I think it's all such a fucking travesty.

I'd like to have a single day where noone in any fandom puts anyone else down. Where everyone who has ever wanted to fan over anything or ship whomever can come out and do it w/o shame or fear.

It would be the greatest day ever.

And then maybe we could do another day like that. And another. And another.

Yes, people could still express their dislike or distaste for something, but it wouldn't be in a way that attacks anyone else. Noone would feel bad about it... differences in taste happen and that's ok.


Secret: I truly do hope that someday, I'll be able to come back out of the fandom closet I was run into. It's so bad that I'm afraid to write fic at all anymore, even outside my fandom. (TRUFAX!) I hope someday my fear of having my heart smashed into a million pieces again will leave. I want to walk in the sun again. And I want fandom in general to be a better place. But until then, I now RP with my lover anything I would have written into a pr0n!fic, for with him I never have to worry about being mocked for my (really not that unusual, really) tastes and desires.

Super Secret: Fandom? You think my sexual tastes and desires are perverse? Hell, you should know the really rare kink I have that I DON'T stick in with my fandom desires.

Doctor Who, Season 4, Ep. 1? ZOMG FANGIRL SQUEE AMAZING AAAAAAAAH!!! So many squee worthy moments. There is some stuff that I have some issues with, but I'll give it a shot. I'm afraid that Doctor Who is going downhill in an irretreviable way (I wasn't that pleased with season 3, and I'm worried about season 4), but dude... NEW DOCTOR WHO EPS!!!

Watching it with winterroseasfr was amazing, as we both fanned out together over it and there was much squee from both of us.

I'm heading back to DC with Rose's stuff in tow either Thursday or Friday. We're leaving early in the morning so we can take a bit of a detour and visit Mema and Granddad (my mother's parents) in Williamsburg for most of the day. I haven't seen them in ages and I miss them. That and, well, they're getting up there in years, so it only makes sense to visit them whenever I can.

I'm looking forward to hanging out at WiseGuy's house this weekend some. Apparently, I used to work with him years ago and one of our old coworkers that I'm sad I lost touch with is going to be there for a D&D game, so it'll be cool to see him again. That and WiseGuy's teenage sons are really cool people and geeky to boot.

Let's see, what else.

Oh.

Something I didn't tell you. Rose has an overall plan to move out to Los Angeles and work in the gaming industry and become a voice actor. He was initially going to do it within the next 6 months, but I convinced him to put it on hold for a year to a year and a half so that I can go with him.

No, this is not some example of me being head over heels and following a man like a puppydog. I've wanted to escape DC for a while now, and I've wanted to head west to California for years, but never had the gumption to do it myself. Having a friend and/or lover that's doing it with me will be a big help. Even if Rose and I aren't together at that point in time, we'll still be friends and I still want to go anyway. I'm a little concerned as I'm afraid I won't like LA, but being out there will be closer to being in San Francisco, which is where my career probably lies. Although I'm sure there's also a sex positive scene in LA.

So, yeah. Driving cross country to move to California in a year to a year and a half. Exciting, but cool. Scary, but something I've always wanted to do. You've seen me mention getting out of DC in my LJ before. Now I just have more solid plans on it.

***

Later today, I'm going to be meeting up with a guy named Shawn. I met him months and months ago through the feeder/erotic weight gain scene and we talked a lot last Fall and did a lot of Skyping. He was supposed to come up and visit me right before Thanksgiving but then his car broke down and he couldn't. Well, a few days ago, I remembered that, wait, didn't he live in North Carolina? Turns out he lives about 20 miles from here. So we're meeting up today, hanging out, going out to eat, and probably playing. I may or may not be spending the night with him.

I'll admit, this is my first time having a date with someone else who's into erotic weight gain. It's my first time having someone with whom I can play with this in the bedroom and who also has the same sexual attraction to it that I have. This excites me very greatly, and makes me a little nervous.

So, yeah, wish me luck on that one.

The short version.

Got my phone from pony_sprite.

Wandered over to the Dark Odyssey hotel.

Stumbled upon nyghtowl.

Hung out with him and met his SO at the train.

He paid for me to go to DO for one night.

Found out they were doing a Superheroes & Supervillains meet & greet later that night.

Couldn't decide between going as Doc Ock and The Doctor.

Nyghtowl's SO started geeking out over the Doctor so I decided to go as that.

Came home, rested, made myself a nice, meatless dinner (yay clam sauce!), watched some more (MOAR?) of the Doctor Who TVM, washed up a bit, got my Doctor clothes on, headed downtown.

Went to the mixer. Wandered a bit with Nyghtowl's SO.

Was standing with a group of people. Some dude spotted my sonic screwdriver.



HE PULLED OUT HIS OWN LAZER SCREWDRIVER.



Yes, folks, there was a guy dressed as the Master. We immediately started geeking out. Playing with our roles, talking about Who and kink and sex... and lolcats. :-)

And then we were on the wrestling mats that the other superheroes and villains were on. (BTW, there were some INCREDIBLE costumes... especially Dr. Ignor Ant and the Crimson "Disco" Tide.) And the next thing I know, I'm playing the Doctor and he's playing the Master... and he's KISSING ME.

TEAM TIEMCOCK INDEED.

(Of course, I had to say that after the kiss. And we both broke down into fits of laughter.)

So we had hawtt Whovian sex all night. Yeah, you heard me. It was like a dream come true. Hell, it WAS a dream come true.

At one point we wandered over to the play room, where wylddelirium and I gave him his first needle experience. Which was win.

Next, moar Whovian sex, and then he did erotic hypnotism on me... which was especially fun because, well, you know, the Master can hypnotize people, and at one point he was talking to me when I was hypnotized and he was talking to the Doctor. So yeah, that was interesting.

And now it's 3:30, and he's sitting on my bed as I type this up. He's staying here the next few nights instead of having to go stay with his friends in Baltimore. Yeah.

So, yeah, dream come true. What are the odds?

He's supposed to move to Hollywood in a few months. I'm trying to talk him into moving to DC instead. Maybe I should have him teach me how to use hypnotism and use it on him instead? ;-)

Oh, and he kinda looks like a younger Eldritch. Which is a little weird, but kinda cool.

So, yeah. That was the short version. :-D

The long version may or may not follow tomorrow. :-D

Here's an open letter to address some of the issues brought up on who_anon. I know I missed some stuff.

BTW, if you're over here from who_anon, do know that I do NOT want to be argued with in my own journal (this is my safe space, my sanctuary, where I can express my feelings w/o fear), and I will block anyone that is rude to me.

Also, do know that you may be able to be anonymous over there, but here, you're held responsible for your words. Own up.
( Concerns & Answers Inside )
If all of this is TL;DR, in short, basically, I'm just doing what makes me happy. If my little corner of fandom doesn't make you happy, please, by all means, go pursue what DOES make you happy. I wish you the best. Just don't steal my happiness from me, as I wouldn't take yours from you.

I just had the most amazing night and scene with niyamas. Absolutely mind blowingly awesome.

All I know is I got to play the Doctor with him, and he topped me, and ZOMG YAY it was completely mindblowingly amazing, and for different reasons than you might think. One of which is that when I'm the Doctor and I'm in scene, my limits and my tastes are DIFFERENT. Sometimes completely different.

See the Doctor above in my icon? Yeah, that's how he felt and how I felt/feel. Enraptured. Overtaken with emotion and feeling. Experiencing. BEING.

And, WOW, all blissed out on endorphins. I've never had this much of an endorphin high from a regular scene. I usually only feel anything like this with needles.

Yay.

(BTW, want to hear more about this scene? It's blogged about in the journal for the Doctor that I RP/keep. the8thdoctor)

Someone at Georgetown U. is doing their Masters thesis (I think Masters) on fanfiction. They currently have a survey up to gather data. If you read, write, or beta fanfiction, please go take it. It takes about 10-15 mins.

Apparently there are no Seventh Doctor stories on Teaspoon that have explicit sex or BDSM in them.

This must be resolved. (To paraphrase the Talmud: "If not me, who? If not now, when?")

This actually surprises me a bit. 1.) Because of the number of Seven fanciers out there and 2.) with the Seventh Doctor's propensity towards manipulation, it sets him up as a bit darker than the other Doctors, which leans him more towards being suitable for kinky sex.

It's interesting... I started going back through my sexuality and fandom tags to see the crossover of the two. I went through sexuality first and when I didn't find a post there I was expecting, I went through fandom, looking for it. And in doing so, I started finding posts with the fandom tag that probably could have been under the sexuality tag too, because I was talking about sexual attraction for objects of fandom.

And the more I looked, the more I realized that MOST of my posts in fandom could marginally be under sexuality, too.

Which makes me realize... perhaps there's something to this fandom sex thing. Perhaps it's an orientation for me.

Which also makes me realize... I see no one else talking about this. And I know I can't be the only one, as a lot of the fangirls I've known over the years have been attracted to the object of their fanning. (And as rob_t_firefly has pointed out in the past, fanboys too.)

I think a discussion needs to start happening about fandom and sex. I think that we need to start banding together, becoming visible in the BDSM community and the sexuality community at large. We need a phrase to describe ourselves, an identity, a symbol for that identity. There are many many people who are geeksexual. Some are more techsexual, some are more fandomsexual, some are both. (Hell, one could argue that furries/yiffies are under the geeksexual label.)

We talk about so many things in the BDSM world. It's time that the geeksexuals of the world start coming out, realizing that what they're into is something that's recurring, is something that can be an identity, and then start talking about them in the BDSM world.

(Actually, I feel the exact same way about feederism. We've gotten to the identifying part, but we haven't gotten to the "reaching out to other sexual minorities" part yet. Don't know what I need to do to get that happening.)

Why am I having problems coming out about my fandom in sexual contexts? Didn't I already go through this with Doctor Octopus?

Oh, fuck it, I'm posting it here.

Sometimes I want to be with the Doctor in sex or cuddling or whatever. But sometimes, I want to be the Doctor in sex or cuddling or whatever. It's partially tied into gender things, but it's more than just wanting to be a guy in sex. It's wanting to be that persona, to not be me, to be someone else, to explore sexuality in that very specific context... of a renegade Gallifreyan Time Lord, of a man with the history and life of the Doctor.

And because of my obsession with Eight, it's most often him I want to be. And not just because he's pretty (although, OMG, PRETTAY DOCTAR IZ PRETTAY), but because I'm curious how sexuality plays out with that particular incarnation. I'm curious his thoughts, his feelings.

And part of me is just driven to be him with a lover. Surprisingly, I'm driven to be him with men. I'm wanting the love of men for each other, the exploring of passion with the same, but from the framework of the masculine, the slightly-outside-the-usual-comfort-zone, wow-look-at-this,-it's-sex-with-men, hmm-what's-this-all-about place. It's experiencing, it's experimenting, it's feeling and doing, it's being.

I know I didn't express myself well, but... yeah.

And now to post this before I chicken out and post it private. Because, after years and years of being laughed at for your desires, for being told your desires were too... GEEKY... to be taken seriously, it's HARD to not feel ashamed.

..wow. I think I just figured something out. And that is:
But you know what? For niyamas, I'll do it. I'll try. I'll swallow the lump in my throat, I'll try to keep from blushing and hiding in shame, and I'll give it my best to stand tall and say "These are my desires." and even more over, to ask and say "Will you do them with me? This is what I want."

(and have I mentioned I *really* need a fandom sex icon? Yeah.

And why this icon? Because it's ME. And I'm saying these things.

World? I'm a pervy Doctor Who fancier. As overlord_mordax put it once... "Some girls want him, some girls want to BE him." And some of us want both.)

This is going to be way too TMI for some of you. (But rob_t_firefly should get a kick out of this.)

( When you've had a pattern of fantasy for a while, you don't expect it to change focus suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of self pleasuring. But sometimes it does. )

I guess I should post about my experiences this weekend, but a combination of being tired, of feeling that it's too intimate and special to be shared, and of not having the right words is stopping me. (Edit: after finishing this post, maybe not.)

I went to Body Transformation Weekend up in Brunswick MD with a bunch of people who I know have LJs but I never got their LJ name. I went to it only knowing auror, wylddelirium and ninjaslug... I now have a number of new friends, and possibly a new lover (well, someone who could fit into a 2ndary or 3tiary role... he already has 2 girlfriends, maybe more.)

It was a weekend of tattooing and other forms of changing our bodies. It had a spiritual theme, mainly forms of Pagan. I was worried about going before I went... my worries were ok, but I ended up having a wonderful time. There was much chanting and good food. Also, much extremely important emotional work happened for me.

( I didn't want to cut this because I really really really want you all to read it and comment on it, but it's really really long. Please, by all means, please read this and comment on it. It means the world to me and it's something that's very important to me. )

All in all, it was a draining weekend in a very good way. I so hope I get to find the LJs of all of those wonderful people and get to stay in touch with them all. We all went on a journey together, and we all gave and got so much from each other.

Often times when I write fic, it all starts out as a snippet, as a small bit of a scenerio I want to write up. A singular moment, or a phrase.

And then I have to figure out, ok, how do I get my characters to that point? How do I write a story around that?

Not only that, I have to figure out how I make that moment the culminative moment of the story. Because, you know, that's what I wanted to write about to begin with. It was all for that. And that's something I don't always succeed at.

I get my ideas from other things I read, and sometimes I just get my ideas out of the clear blue.

Like, I read a review of a book that has a young woman (teenaged, right around the age of consent) who keeps having unsatisfactory sexual experiences. (here: http://karenrayne.com/2008/01/29/not-like-you-by-deborah-davis) She knows the sex she's having isn't the kind of sex she wants, but she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants. And she keeps having that kind of sex because she's trying to get other things out of it... an invite to a party, whatever.

One sexual experience, the guy was just a clod. The other one, the guy was gentle and sensitive, but in the end, it was still about the sex he wanted.

So... of course my fandom pops up in my head. I see the Doctor talking to this girl, telling her she deserves so much better, telling her that she doesn't have to exchange her body to get other things she wants. And then things morph a bit as the story goes on in my head. He's frustrated because he wants her to have a good, positive sexual experience, he wants her to know that she can have pleasure too, he wishes he could magically make appear the caring, sensitive lover who will teach her how to have the "right" kind of sex.

And yet, there's a small part of him that knows that he could do these things. But he also knows that it would be wrong of him to do so. He feels it would be taking advantage of her. But he also knows of laws of consent, and he knows he would be breaking them.

But he never cared much for laws, and knows that laws of consent are arbitrary lines... what matters is the intentions of both partners and the maturity of the younger person. And he knows that his intentions are pure... she deserves to love and be loved and have proper attentions given to her in bed, and he just desperately wishes he could give that to her. (The whole "well, if there's noone else, then why not me?" thing).

So all the reasons that would make it wrong... suddenly it's not wrong. But there's this nagging inside of him, this "no, I could never do that" that won't go away, even though his logical mind tells him "actually, it would be ok".

So there's that tension with him. And I love conflicted tension in my characters, especially when it comes to desire. And I love an older/younger thing going on, too.

So how does one set up for this sort of story? Sometimes the best way is not to set up... is just to plunge straight in, and then maybe later flashback if you do want to fill in some details.

So the response was overwhelming in favor of a new Eight community.

Now... we have to name it.

What kind of name do we want? I was going to figure out all the various permutations available, but then I realized that would take too long.

So... 2 general choices, and then when the votes are in (in a day or so... I'm getting antsy about this thing!), I'll find a name that isn't taken that works with it.

Edit!: Names can only be 15 characters long and contain alphanumerics (A-Z, 0-9) and the underscore. Keep this in mind.

If I name it something fun, I'm naming it something fun from the TV movie. 1.) We already have fun communities named after the books and the audio and 2.) The movie came first... it started it all.

Poll #1127137 Eighth Doctor Community Name?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 67

What should we name the new Eighth Doctor community?

I'm thinking of starting up a new community for fans of the Eighth Doctor. I keep bumping into Eight lovers throughout various comms (doctorwho, I'm looking at you) and it's about time we have a place of our own. The only place I've found so far, eight_love actually is a general community for Paul McGann (the man who plays the Eight Doctor), has moderated membership, and will only let you in if you show an interest in the actor who plays Eight, and not just Doctor Who and/or the Eighth Doctor himself. (Which is kinda weird, ya know, when you call your comm "Eight Love". Why not name it "McGann Love" or something?)

It will be open join, and if you're just interested in Eight and not McGann in other roles, that's just fine and dandy. It could be TV Eight, Audio Eight, or Book Eight. Post discussion, post squee, post screenshots, post fic, post icons. I don't care, as long as Eight is involved.

So... I'm asking you all. I get enough response, and I'll make it.

Poll #1126485 New Eighth Doctor Community?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 58

Should I make a new community for fans of the Eighth Doctor (regardless of whether or not you would join)?

Would you join said community for fans of the Eighth Doctor?

Just got back from fritterfae's house. Watched some Project Runway with him (which I surprisingly was getting into), watched some of Season 3's Doctor Who Confidential. OH! And he let me borrow a Doctor Who book that has Eight. I'll read it as soon as I'm done reading Lungbarrow, which I'm actually enjoying.

I'm not going to post any more of my fanfic here. Mainly because, well, I just don't want to. This is my journal... I don't want to fill it up with fic and alienate anyone who was reading my LJ but isn't interested in fic. However, I will continue to post my fic on A Teaspoon & An Open Mind, on FanFiction.net, on deviantART, and in dwfiction (with the occasional xpost in a relevant community or 3). If you really want, I can post a link anytime I post a new story.

Oh, and I'm thinking of starting up a new community for fans of the Eighth Doctor. Because I keep bumping into Eight lovers and it's about time we have a place of our own. The only place I've found so far, eight_love actually is a general community for Paul McGann (the man who plays the Eight Doctor), has moderated membership, and will only let you in if you show an interest in the actor who plays Eight, and not just the Eighth Doctor himself. (Which is kinda weird, ya know, when you call your comm "Eight Love". Why not name it "McGann Love" or something?)

So... anyway. Thinking of doing that. Of course it will be open join, and if you're just interested in Eight and not McGann in other roles, that's just fine and dandy.

Perhaps I should take a poll and put it up on who_daily and get people to vote for it?

(Oh, and why the icon? It's what I'd desperately like. So terribly bored with work. Oy. Going absolutely out of my mind.

Take me away, O Doctor, away from these profanities and banalities, and into a better life.)

This is when being a fangirl sucks.

When it's late at night and you can't sleep because of them. Because of your desire for them and because of your want for them to just take you away, remove you from your life, because whatever they have to offer has got to be better than the banalities of your own.

When you need them so bad it hurts. When you long to be in their arms so bad it makes you want to cry.

Yes, I fall in love with the objects of my fandom. I fall deeply, desperately in love. It covers over the rough patches when I don't have a lover of my own. I know they're not real, but I don't care. I stay in touch with reality just the amount that I need to.

And it's not the not being loved back that bothers me. No. It's the inability to touch. It's the lack of another warm body in my bed, it's no strong arms to enfold me, it's no gentle kisses on my neck. It's snuggling them and instead of the smell of their hair, I get the smell of my body pillow.

It's 2:43 am and I can't sleep. Why?

I want my Theta Sigma.

I've been taking part in fandom on Second Life quite a bit this time around. It's the main place I go for my Doctor Who fix. I frequent "Cardiff & Doctor Who Experience" and have made quite a few friends there.

The subject of ageplay came up the other night while in the Doctor Who Experience. It's banned in SL for ridiculous legal reasons. I was discussing how ridiculous it was that it was banned, and someone piped up "no, see, I know the TRUTH about these people. They're actually pedophiles, they just don't want you to believe that."

Literally, some of my closest friends are ageplayers. I go to ageplay munches, because they're a fun group to hang out with.

I got a bit upset, but tried to teach her the truth, to reason with her. She wouldn't listen. She insisted she knew better than me and that I was harboring pedophiles. I logged off because I couldn't handle it... I was getting too angry... and I didn't want to say or do something I regretted. She called me a name as I left. (This REALLY made me angry. I do the right thing and walk away before I really blow up, and she calls me names for it? WTF?)

I try return to the Experience today, only to find that I've been banned from the place. Apparently someone took offense the other night to me speaking the truth about ageplay. And rather than say to the person "oh, well, people are allowed to have differing opinions" and to say to me "hey, don't talk about ageplay here anymore" (Which I'd be willing to do. It rarely comes up.), instead they take the path of least resistance and ban me. Me taking offense that my friends were being called pedophiles wasn't enough to get the other person banned, and if I took offense that, say, someone thought the Tenth Doctor was better than the Ninth Doctor, well, that probably wouldn't be enough either.

I'm saddened that they'd take the cowardly stand of the path of least resistance. I'm saddened they didn't give me a warning instead of just banning me outright.

I'm also sad that I just lost my fandom outlet. This happened to me with Doc Ock, when someone turned the rest of the fandom against me, and I was completely devastated.

But this time, it's different. I'm saddened by it, most definitely. But I believe in speaking truth, and I believe in standing up for my friends. And if this is what it takes to stand by my friends to have consensual experiences with adults and not be harassed or demonized for their kink, then so be it.

I just hope my ageplay friends are grateful for it. I hope they'd do the same for me and my kink. But even if they didn't, that's ok. I know I did what's right.

(The funny thing is that just the other day, I took a survey on BDSM and discrimination. I put that I was never discriminated against for my kink. I wish I could go back and retake the survey.)

So I've been promising you a scene report, of the amazing thing that happened to me on Friday night. Combine fatigue with a blurry memory and add in the fact that I just don't know where to begin, and that's why I'm late on this. But I must get this down. Because it's too incredible to leave to the chance that I may forget it.

Where to start? Perhaps I need to start weeks ago, when I decided I wanted to get into Doctor Who, because the show meant a lot to a number of my friends, as well as other ones just really really liked it.
( Wherein I reveal to you the course of my new fandom. )

( Ending up at BR XX )

( Lost Companion Looking for a Time Lord )

( Coming out about one's fandom in the BDSM scene )

( Time Lord Located )

( Getting to know you and negotiations )

( Preparations )

( The Scene: Captured by a Time Lord )

( Afterwards )

( In private )

( The Next Morning )

( Feelings )

All I know is that in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, there's a Time Lord living with his cats, but without his Companion. And in Takoma Park, MD, right on the border of Washington DC, USA, there's a Companion living with her goldfish and ratties, but thinking about the Time Lord she had to leave behind. Oh, of course, there will be other Time Lords, there will be other regenerations of the man, but, as they say...

You never forget your first Doctor.

So deathtosocrates posted a collage of all the fangirl loves/crushes she's had in the past (one of her friends did the same). So I thought, hmm, I should do one of my own.

So mine was kinda tricky to do because I've only had a small number of ones I was head over heels for. So trying to decide who to put on here and who to leave out was tough. Some of the guys who are on here I've never actually let myself go fullblown fangirl for, but I can tell from the feelings I have, that I totally could go that way for them. Some of them I had minor crushes on in HS.

( OMG THE SMEXY MEN INSIDE SQUEE FAINT DIE!!!1!1!1!oneoneoneeleven! )

So what patterns do you see?

( The patterns I see. )

Morpheus, a.k.a. Lord of the Dreamworld, a.k.a. Dream (a.k.a. a gajillion names) from the Sandman series is the SEXIEST ANTHROMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION EVAR.

OMG SO HOT.

I'm officially fangirling now. You have no idea. (Death is also teh sexy.)

God, it's been a relatively crappy 24 hours.

First, people go all cynical and mean on an RP character of mine that I just introduced and that means alot to me. They just lambast her and tear her apart. Gah.

Then, dA takes all my icons made from comics down ("copyright violation", even though I gave full credit to Marvel for the original art), but only tells me about *3*. I have no idea what other ones they got rid of. I wish they'd tell me so I could make sure they're up on ScrapBook.

Then, some new person in the fandom writes me back, supporting mpreg and looking at it from a reasonable, logical perspective. On how men getting pregnant might affect the prolife/prochoice debate, blah blah blah. I'm like *facepalm*. No. You don't get it. Mpreg is an utter offense to humanity. Don't try to compare it to slash. There's nothing wrong with gay people. But men can NOT get pregnant. If you want to do it, fine, just go do it in some other fandom. Some other fandom where I won't have to see it.

Some people have no respect for the "sanctity" of canon, I swear.

( more fandom rantage and a list of things that shouldn't be allowed in the Ock fandom )

And then the same person gives me this (obviously uninformed) rant on "oh, artists work so hard on their work, blah blah blah, if you don't like dA's laws go somewhere else... blah blah blah". It's like "ok, if you want to be a goody goody little butt kissing 14 year old who doesn't understand that the world isn't black and white, fine... just go do it somewhere else that isn't anywhere near me. What I did when I made the icons hurt noone. It didn't cost anyone anything. There is no revenue lost because of what I did. In fact, there's probably MORE revenue through my promotion of the works. So there's no reason that this should be against copyright law. But you can't see that, can you? You just don't get the concept of "fair use", do you? You probably suppport DRM wholeheartedly. Or, rather, you've probably never heard these terms before, but you're still siding with The Man. Open your little mind."

And as for the dA thing, the only reason I'm on there is because everyone else is. I hate dA. They've been on my shitlist for a while. They are lacking some crucial features that other services offer (like the ability to edit or delete comments), their naming system SUCKS (FAR too few characters are allowed. I'm often times crippled in my naming of pieces because of this), to be able to browse in any useful manner or to view comments made usefully you have to get the pay service, they're CLOSED source, and when you post your art on there, they retain FAR too many rights to use it. And then the copyright thing. I mean, we don't have the permission of Marvel to use the characters in fanfic and fanart, and yet they don't take the pieces down when we do that...

And I wasn't able to get groceries today. (Getting them tomorrow... must remember to make shopping list. Also must remember to deposit roomie's bill check.) And I burned the peanut sauce I tried to make at dinner, which didn't really turn out right.

And Groupie and I fought some. And I got really depressed at one point.

*Sigh* I hope tomorrow turns out better.

On a positive note, talked to orcinus_dorka. We did some phone sex. It was fun.
Talked to silversehkmet... I'm making icons of her Boy Genius peeps for her to use on her site.
Also talked to nvis_derentacle. She's FINALLY finishing up a fic she's been working on for ages. Which makes me excited, because I want to know how it ends. It's a very cool fic.

Otto in the movie said, "But if you want to get a woman to fall in love with you, feed her poetry. Never fails."

I'm taking the good Doctor's advice. Yesterday, with asciilifeform and devvieish, I browsed the shelves of Second Story Books for poetry. My eyes fell on a book of T.S. Eliot. I smiled (they talk about Eliot in the movie) and opened the book up. It opened up to the page with this: "Time present and time past are both perhaps present in time future" (this was quoted in the comic book adaptation of the movie.)

I knew I had to have it.

So, I'm taking the S2 bus home, up 16th Street. I'm reading the rest of the poem.

...and, after reading it, I have to agree with Otto in the movie again. T.S. Eliot IS more difficult than advanced science. Otto said "I still don't know what he was talking about." I concur wholeheartedly.

Any "Rosies" out there that get literature that could help me get T.S. Eliot?

(x-posted to my journal, the_ockult and my dA journal)

Care Bear bondage SM porn, stuff that makes my childhood die, as opposed to the actually really really good Care Bear/Hellraiser dark pr0n from a few weeks ago.

It's not badly written, just not my cup of tea. There were a few moments in it that if you forget it's Care Bears that it's actually pretty hot. But, yeah... then you get reminded by a ballgag covered in pink and glitter. Yeah.

BTW, take time to check out the parent site. It's a great idea... a way to get people writing fanfic for little known fandoms. Next year, I've got to get them to do some Doc Ock fanfic.

So I'm back from AnimeUSA. I didn't sleep last night... got about 30 mins of sleep today around 10 am and then about 2 1/2 hours between 4 and 6:30.

I met a bunch of great people. Got to sing Trekkie Monster's part in "The Internet is for Porn" with some random people. Played Chrononauts and Fluxx with people (oh, and played Apples to Apples on Friday!), played alot of DDR from about 3 to 6 am this morning. I suck at it, but I enjoy myself.

Oh, and I splurged and got the blackout contact lenses. They black out my irises so I just like I have giant pupils. Yes, I got it for my Ramos!Ock costume. I couldn't not get it. Although I've been having serious problems getting them in. All I could manage yesterday was the right one in. I think it'll just take practice. But now I'm going to need to get a case and cleaning supplies for them. I don't think I'd ever want to use contacts for eyesight correction.

Everyone I met (except for one lesbian bitch who insisted that bisexuals were NOT queer... heh... try telling that to some of the bis *I* know!... but she might have been drunk) was really nice and friendly. I felt like I fit in with the group very well, I just didn't have the common cultural knowledge that they all have... but I'm learning it... and I know I'm not the only n00b to the scene. It's acceptible in this group to squee and be hyper. And noone thinks any less of you. I like that. I like that alot.

Oh! And I ran into someone I met at The Fifth HOPE! It was weird. I though I knew him from it because of the Mailinator shirt he was wearing. But he recognized me and damn near remembered my name (well, my handle). It was weird seeing him again. But quite cool.

Saw some more amazing cosplay. Yesterday brought us 3 guys in full Ghostbusters outfits, including very detailed backpacks. Today was an AMAZING Rei Ayanami (from Neon Genesis Evangelion) cosplayer that I had to stop myself from molesting right there. My GOD was she hot. Once again, emails will get you pics access.

I will DEFINATELY go to more cons. I hope to meet more wonderful people... and shoutz out to anyone who's reading my journal now because of meeting me at the con.

I hope to see you at Katsucon. Heh... perhaps I should say Gendo Ikari's hoping he'll see you at Katsucon. ;-)

(and I need a Gendo or a NERV icon...)

Went to AnimeUSA today... had such a good time that I ended up upgrading to the weekend pass. If you need to reach me the next couple of days, do it through IMing (AIM = C4bl3Fl4m3, Y!IM=c4bl3fl4m3, MSN=c4bl3fl4m3@hotmail.com), emailing (c4bl3fl4m3@vtext.com, less than 130 characters, including the subject [which gets truncated anyway]), TXTing or calling my cell phone.

For those who will be there, I'm the short chubby girl running around in the long green trenchcoat, the blue backpack with the B&W "Gendo Love" button and the black shirt with the red NERV logo, pretending I'm a technician for NERV (and Gendo's little fuck toy... oops! How did THAT get out? ;D) Feel free to give me glomps and/or hugs. I love 'em all. I'll probably also be hanging out at the gaming tables some, trying to get people to play Early American Chrononauts or Fluxx or Aquarius with me. Come on over; I'll teach you how to play!

There's a good chance I'm going up to PA for Turkey Day on Monday. It'll make it easier for all parties involved.

Oh, and if you want to see my pics of cosplayers, let me know and I'll send you the links.
BTW, best theme for a costume? Someone went as Barf from Spaceballs
Most accurate looking cosplayer? Someone went as Mr. Willy Wonka. Other than his face was a tad bit rounder, he looked (and acted) EXACTLY like him.
There also was a really good Alucard from Hellsing.

Oh, and I got to hang with bluesdrive today. I hope I bump into her again tomorrow.

(x-posted from my dA journal)

Fine.

I'll come out.

I'm now into Gendo Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion. And by "into" I mean sexually attracted to.

You may all blame lyrasilverblade. It's all her fault. Really.

Just another one in the series of dark, middle aged, broody (or emotionally bereft) men with serious issues.

Oh, but Kaji's pretty hot too. But the exact opposite in personality. So now I'm left drooling over both of them for very different reasons.

Oh, and don't worry. I haven't forgotten the Good Doctor. Not in the least. Now I just have MORE men to lust over.

Coming out to LJ and to the BDSM community isn't really what shows I'm comfortable with my obsession.

Looking at the dA and viewing Doc Ock stuff while on a public terminal with people waiting in Kramerbooks/Afterwords shows that I'm comfortable.

And I guess I'm 3/4 comfortable then (I keep switching off of them very fast).
Hee! :D

(orcinus_dorka and I came up with this the other day. Numerous jokes and spinoffs have been made between the 2 of us with this. I just thought I'd post it and share it with you all...)

Ramos!Ock's guilty pleasure is cotton candy, although he'd never admit to it. Can't you just see him standing there, all straight and tall, with a big poofy cone of pink cotton candy in hand, him saying "no! It's not mine! It's... uh... from this kid I killed. Yeah... that's it!"

He also has a thing for Kinder Surprise Eggs (Official Site, Ordering them in America). They're hollow chocolate eggs (milk chocolate outside, white chocolate inside) that have a toy inside that you usually have to put together. Otto sometimes has a hard time putting the toy together. *snicker*

That is all... :-D
(x-posted to my own journal, _doctor_octopus and the_ockult)

So I'm here.

In France. With a girl I seem to love, though I haven't told her in so many terms.

The food is good. The love we make is passionate and beautiful and quite hot. Life is easy.

She RPs a good Ramos!Ock. I, too, have been playing the Good Doctor quite a bit lately. He sneaks into your mind, your soul, in the most delightfully insidious of ways.

I seem to be happy.

And yet, I miss the longing. I miss the yearning, the needing. That passionate fire in my soul that drives me damn near mad, but that drives me to create, to write, to try to bring the Dark Octopus near.

I know... it makes no sense.

I must admit, I do miss the long nights of RP with my RP partners. I miss the very dark and sexually violent Ramos!Ock I play. I miss hanging out with Movie!Ock, and being girls with Ryssell.

I do have things I'm supposed to be doing over here, but it's difficult to bring myself to care. Especially when I'm not on my medication. I will get them done though, because I do have a sense of responsibility.

The food is good. So is the wine and the cider and the other drinks. The people are nice. The language is coming back to me to an extent. I'm in love. I still get depressed sometimes, but I think that's never going to go away.

For the most part, my soul feels light and I feel at peace.

Perhaps this is happy.
Perhaps I deserve this.

I only hope I can make her as happy as she makes me.

I just wrote a piece in my dA.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/17645130/

I'm a comment whore. But be nice, please. That was me pouring my little hurting heart out.

New iconage. Art by the lovely and talented Yumegari. Original can be found here.

But yeah, this is my mopity mope mope icon. It's for when I'm depressed and moping.

Mope mope mope.

***

In other news, I'm having an old friend from college that I haven't seen in years come over. I don't know if this is wise or not, but I'm bored and I thought I'd give it a go. Wish me luck!

I'm bleeding from my twat. Finally. w00h00!
However, this means I'm bleeding from my twat. And my emotions are all over the fucking place. So I'm on the warpath. Approach with caution.

(I wanna know what's up with my being a week late 2 months in a row. This is NOT LIKE my body. I'm usually regular down to 3 days [and it's usually late]. It's starting to concern me.)


( Let's see. Last night. [cut because it's LONG, biatch!] )
Hag Sameach to my Jewish friends! Oh, and asciilifeform and devvieish, when are you having your alternative seder? I hope it's tomorrow (or at least not tonight), because I'm thinking of going back to the Crucible tonight.

I'm being a naughty girl and trying to convince trinityva to come and play with me. She has quite the evil imagination... and I'm eating it up like a kitten lapping from a saucer of milk. :-D
She had a rough night last night, so we're probably going to settle on dinner. But since it's Pesach, I have to figure out non-leavened bread dinner (I don't keep actual full kosher on this. I just don't eat leavened breadstuffs). I'm thinking maybe sushi?

Ok... I'll stop babbling now and post this.
/me gives a casual, whole handed salute (think Ock in Spider-Man 2 when he tells Spider-Man "you have a train to catch")

In case you weren't aware, I really wanna fuck Doctor Octopus/Doc Ock/Dr. Otto Octavius. All the different ways he's been portrayed are all pretty hot, but the last few months, I've really been fetishizing the Ramos!Ock incarnation from the new Spectacular Spider-Man series (# 6-10). (See icon.)

There. I said it. I'm out.

Reasons I'm into him available upon request.

I wish my RP partner would come on.
I wanna keep working on the Dark hardcore Ockrotica we're writing.

...sigh... I at least wish I had it all on my HD... I'm missing half of it because I didn't have a chance to save it on my USB drive.

I need to start dreaming again.

I currently don't dream. That is, daydream. Well, no, I daydream, but I don't dream about my future.

I don't do it because it either hurts or is pointless.

Actually, I'm not exactly sure why I don't do it.

I know why I don't follow (most) dreams. I don't follow dreams because I end up getting half way through them and it peters out. And the last thing I need is another half-finished project to feel bad about. I already have plenty, thank you very much.

I don't want to start a project because if I don't start, I can't fail.

I don't seem to dream big. Or, rather, I don't seem to be able to. I mean, I'm proud of myself for being able to think 6 months ahead. I used to not think ahead at all... I didn't really think I had a future. Never really did after getting PTSD. Hell, I probably could barely imagine it in the abstract in HS and stuff.

But, yeah... I don't just go and do something because I know I won't complete it or I'll fail unless I've got that fire in the belly over it. And I haven't come across anything that gives me that fire in the belly. Hell, I haven't had it in... well... years. Honestly, I think when I did have it, when I buried myself in my schooling/"work" was to ignore and drown out the pain. Well, now that I'm dealing with the pain/I've dealt with the pain, that from which that drive I had, that fire in the belly came from is gone.

Ya can't fail at what you don't start. And don't give me that "not starting itself is failure", because I just simply don't see it that way, because I choose not to start.

I need to REALLY get INTO something again. That is, other than one of my silly little interests.

The problem with me is that my obsessions last me a year to 18 months TOPS. And it's not really feasable to change fields that often. Hell, I wouldn't even get where I wanted to be in that long. I'd get through like a bit of the college for it. And we all know how well college-style learning and I get along. Yeaaaaah.

But when I'm into something, I plunge myself into it full force. I've always been that way.

Hmm... I need to start applying my obsession to more academic/creative/enterpreneurial endeavors. Inventing things and such. Perhaps I could become a great thinker after all. I'd love to have my sharp mind back, to feel brilliant again. To be brilliant, to know that I'm brilliant. And to make my living off of my brilliance.

God, I miss being smart. I miss having my smarts. :-(


So right now my interest is Doc Ock. Prior to that, it was Syndrome. Prior to that I didn't have one for like a month, but prior to THAT, I had/did a 4 to 6 week micro-obsession session over Judaism and my spirituality. Let's see... prior to that... I don't think I had anything. And that was for a good 6 months or so. Prior to that was my interest in human sexuality. At some point, I think I just learned as much as I felt like, and I just wasn't interested in pursuing the field anymore. Human sexuality wasn't a very bright or hot burning one (I'm using that phrase to represent the depth of my obsession) but it was a long burning one. I had a period in there of obsession with the Free software/Open Source software movement (Reading Just for Fun and Free as in Freedom and daydreaming about RMS and Linus Torvalds and the like). Prior to that (actually concurrent to that up to a point) was probably general computers. And then Beethoven (oh, THAT was a bright burning one. Oh, GOD. That was as bad as my Doc Ock one now... actually alot worse. And GOD did it last long... over a year, if I remember correctly).

I seem to get the brightest burning obsessions when I don't have a romantic partner in my life. It's like my obsession is there to channel and funnel the energy and love I'd be pouring into a relationship of some sort. It's like they're a replacement for a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

(Going back a bit) I still love computers, I just don't feel the need and the urge to learn as much as I possibly can about them anymore.

It seems the only thing lately that gives me enough fire in the belly and oomph to make plans and follow through with them is when I have a Love/romantic partner. It seems to be the only thing that I obsess over enough (might as well use obsess, since the amount of thought time and energy devoted is the same as when I have an obsession) to get stuff done with it. I wanted to meet overlord_mordax. So I/we figured out what it would take for me to be able to visit her, and I did it. I held onto this vision and didn't let it go. I booked a plane, a hotel room and a car. And come hell or high water (actually, heavy snow, but who's counting?) I went up there and I visited with her. I then did what it took for her to come down here... I did everything I could. Unfortunately, a very large part of it in the end was stuff she had to do, stuff I couldn't do. And unfortunately, she didn't seem to have the same stubborn oomph, the same fire in the belly, the same WANT of it that I had. Or something. But yeah. It fell through.

Damn you, Greer, damn you. /me shakes my fist at her.

But, yeah. Love seems to be the only thing that grips my soul enough to make me do stupid (or not so stupid) shit, make me dream big dreams, make crazy plans that actually aren't so crazy, and then follow through on them.

I really DO need to find another messed up fangirl for a folie á deux. Because I miss dreaming crazy dreams and making crazy plans and following through on them. I miss being the little imp (that was how I described it one day w/ Greer... it's impish). I miss having all kinds of adventures and exploits.

Hmm... ok, I think I've purged now. No immediate thoughts are coming to me.

So tired. No, actually. Rather, so exhausted.

Stayed up till 5:15 RPing. Again. For the 2nd night in a row. Damn my RP partner who intentionally manipulates people into staying up later to keep RPing with her. Honestly? I think it's karma biting me in the ass. Seriously. I used to do that exact same shit to others. And I did it well. Well, it seems I've met my match.

The thing is, I know she's doing it, but I still give into it. Gah. Willpower, c4bl3fl4m3, willpower!

(/me tries to stop herself from singing "Lady Willpower" in her head
/me fails)

Oh, and when iTunes bombs (in Windows), you can't kill it. Seriously. It just won't die. You have to reboot.

Well... at least that's how it works on *my* system.


Oh, and does anyone out there have the original software CD (or a copy of it) for the Sony Clié PEG-S300? It has to be the Palm for Sony CD... it can't just be any Palm CD. And I can't just DL it from the internet. I can DL updates, but not the base software. Trust me... I looked all over for it, and I ran into the same thing for my old Palm Vx.

Oh, and is it just me or does it happen to anyone else that when you're running on lack of sleep, you eat more (esp. more often)/you require more food?

Ya know, I don't remember getting on my computer last night after I came home from the bar. But my away message was changed to Sleep, so I guess I did.

So I'm computing and I notice there's a big smudge in the middle of my monitor. It looks like it was previously wet.

And then I figure out what it is, and realize that, yes, I did get on the computer after I came home last night.



It's a giant wet kiss mark. From where I gave into my drunken fangirl lust and passionately kissed the picture of Doc Ock I have as my background right now.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/15884283/

Yeaaaah. I'm sad.

Don't know what to say about this, except this exceeds all previous barriers of dorkdom and lame ass fangirldom.

It's like I took what I really want in my heart, the stuff I shouldn't be admitting to people, and I put up a personal ad for it. Oh, wait, that's EXACTLY what I did.

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/w4w/60698446.html

It's just... I read this in Freak Like Me, and I was like, OMG. That's exactly what I had with Her. That's exactly what I'm looking for again. YES! YES, YES, YES, YES, *YES*!

After reading that part, I copied it into Notepad and read it again. And I found myself jokingly composing a personal ad, starting with "lonely, messed up fangirl seeks same for folie a deux". And I kept composing it. And then I decided to post it.

Who knows what may come of it? Who knows?

I just hope She's not insulted by how fast I put this out there. I want her to know that I wasn't just cruising for fangirls when I met her on dA. In fact, I wasn't looking for anything but fandom. Falling in love was the biggest surprise of my life. But now that I've had that, she's awoken a need in me, one that I didn't realize I had until we had our folie a deux, one that apparently was buried deep inside (or not so deep). It's because of Her that I go look again, for another Soulmate.

I miss our silly fangirl giggling most of all. God, did she make me laugh. God, did she, does she bring me joy.

So, yeah. Folie a deux... http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/w4w/60698446.html

c4bl3fl4m3: and I want to finish chapter 8 of Freak Like Me
lady_russell: Mmm, FLM. The fic that makes all other Ock ficcers feel inadequate.

...

As herodotusjr would say... it's funny becuse it's true. Just read it from the beginning... you'll see why. Wow. What a writer.

Ok... so I decided to join the health club near my work. I wanna get in shape, and I wanna get strong and powerful. I'm currently a little too damn round. And completely out of shape.

So I'm sitting biking on the stationary bike, and I'm listening to an MP3 CD on my mini-DVD player. And I'm realizing I have Spider-Man 2 with me. And I'm thinking how much I wanna indulge in some Ockliciousness. So I finish my 20 min session, and I go downstairs and get the DVD.

And then I do a 30 minute session... and I watch the Ock-umentary. :D

Does this make me a serious geek? I think so.

The cooler thing is, an older guy started biking next to me, and I caught him watching it with me a bit! And he was grinning at it!

Doc Ock fan in disguise? Who knows?

***

Been reading fanfic (currently actively reading Freak Like Me [on ch 7, reading parts of it when I can... but it seems I read it late at night, start to get tired, get too tired to read and have to go to bed. Gah! I sound like my mom!], Still need to finish Falling Feels Like Flying and Unreasonable Addiction), RPed some with dA's Lonely-Invisible on Thursday (had a great time doing that), working out at the gym (cycling, swimming, and enjoying the whirlpool, sauna, and steam room.

And, uh, yeah. Trying to deal with the pain. Exchanged notes with Her yesterday (at much peril to herself, having to break promises to people to do it. Bless her heart). She said we can't be in love anymore. I knew that already, just couldn't bring myself to admit it to myself. So having to shift her from a love and friend to just a friend. But a friend amongst fangirls seems to be able to be more cuddly and closer than friends usually. So I don't exactly know how close of friends she wants to be. You know how some friends touch and cuddle and are emotionally and physically intimate, but it's all in a physically affectionate way, but not in a passionate sexual way? Yeah. I wonder if she wants that, can do that. I wonder if I want that, would actually be able to do that. I wonder...

But I haven't touched a drop of liquor the past 2 nights. Which is good. Because I was getting shit-faced to kill the pain there for about 5 nights out of 7 the past week. I have nothing against drinking. Whatsoever. And I want to, am going to be able to drink casually when I choose to, and drink hard when I choose to. That's the thing. I actually can control and choose to drink how I want to. I am in control of it right now... I just don't want it to get to a point where I'm not in control of it.

Keep meaning to write some more fanfic/work on existing ones, but by the time I get home and am able to sit and devote time to it, I'm usually too burnt out to write. But the ideas keep popping up in my head... sometimes I catch myself working on the blocking for this one piece walking to the Metro in the morning.

Drew some more. Need to post it. Wrote some freewriting in my sketch book... need to scan it in and post it but am not exactly sure how to go about that, because the way that the Writing sections in dA work, it's supposed to be typed in, not scanned.

If I throw myself into exercise to try to kill the pain, it will have the very beneficial side benefit of losing weight and getting in shape. Let's just hope I won't turn it into a life long habit that will become detrimental to me.

Just trying to deal with what life throws my way at this point. Trying to find some happiness.

Now I *really* need to get back to work.

From the fanfiction "Freak Like Me" by Santanico on http://www.fanfiction.net/

They tell you, in Drama class, that acting isn’t lying, it’s telling the deepest truth.

I'm sorry, but the people on GJ have SO much better Otto/Ock icons than the people on LJ. Seriously.

Go check it out (click in the upper right hand corner for the next page). http://www.greatestjournal.com/community/doctor_octopus

So I got a GJ just to participate in that community. Don't worry. I'm still keeping my journal here. /me is still loyal to her LJ.

However, I have to admit that the testimonials feature of GJ is neat.

But, yeah... go there for more Ocky lurve (and AWESOME icons!)

EDIT!: I'm unlocking this and putting this public. This is a big step for me... I'm coming out of the closet with this. Please, be gentle. /me takes a deep breath, lets it out, selects Public, and clicks Save Entry.


Where is there a place for a fangirl in this adult world?

God, I feel so left out. I mean, I hear about all the Otto fangirls @ college, doing their college thing, taking their classes, expanding their minds, learning how to draw better, and getting together and adoring Ock.


I work. I almost always have in my "adult" life. I work as a computer technician at a CPA firm in a Washington DC suburb. I'm not the youngest there (that would be some of the auditors), but I'm certainly the youngest in our tiny IT department.

Where are all the fangirls? Why is it that once you hit "adult life" you have to give up fandom?

Well, f*ck that shit. I'm not doing it. Adult life, in many ways, sucks more than the alternative (however it has a few things that make it more worthwhile than the alternative, such as the freedom of not being bossed around by parents). So you think there'd be MORE fangirls, escaping into their fandom to escape the real world. But no. I guess that's seen as childish and immature.


Well, hell, it's better than drinking every night. And that's what I was doing before I got into fandom again (via The Incredibles and Syndrome).


I love Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius, also known as Doctor Octopus. There. I said it. I am one of his fangirls. I squee over the charming arrogant smarmy heavy bastard. Whether it's Otto with a bowlcut and a bow tie, or Doc Ock with a green duster greatcoat and sunglasses, I love this man. I identify with his past. I understand why he feels wronged by the world. I empathize with his being driven by his genius.

Where is this rant going? The hell if I know.

I'm just tired of feeling left out, even in fandom. I'm tired of being the 22 year old who can't draw herself into pictures to be held by him. I'm tired of being in fandom only online. I'm tired of not hearing my world echoed in the experiences of others. I'm tired of being looked at funny on the Metro for wearing a trenchcoat and fedora. I'm tired of being afraid my fandom will be found out at work, and I'll get fired for being too immature. I'm tired of being left out, and I'm tired of feeling like a freak.

All of my life, I've felt like/been a freak for one reason after another. No more. Or at least, not with this one.

I, too, am a fangirl, even though I don't draw. I, too, am a fangirl, even though I don't go to school. I, too, am a fangirl, even though I live in the adult/professional's world, and not the child's/academic. And I deserve as much Otto Lurve and Ocky Manboobs as anyone else out there.

(01:01:38) C4bl3Fl4m3: but as of recently, I've been hanging out with various incarnations of Marvel's Otto Octavius/Doc Ock
(01:01:50) leigh :: voxkitten: yay evil nrrd powarr