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I know this sounds totally bass-ackwards coming from my mouth, but I'm totally cool with GID being in the DSM and with people being (properly) diagnosed with it.

Before you all start yelling at me saying how being gender-different isn't a disorder, it's just the way we are, let me say... I AGREE WITH YOU. As someone who was born with girlie parts, who was assigned the gender female, but is genderfluid, I know better than most that sometimes I'm a girl, sometimes I'm a boy, and mostly I'm just me, which is more boy than girl.

Then why do I want it in the DSM? Why do I want people to be diagnosed with it?

Because lots of us need therapy dealing with our genders (NOT to change us, but to help us navigate them, and to help us navigate a society that sucks re: our genders), and plenty of people who are FtM and MtF would like to have hormones and/or surgery.

But you know what? INSURANCES WON'T COVER THESE THINGS W/O A DIAGNOSIS. No diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no appropriate treatment. No therapy. No hormones. No surgery. As someone who's gone through years of therapy, and often times have had to deal with BS diagnoses on paper just so I could get the therapy I desperately needed, I understand this more than most. (Not to mention being someone whose Mom worked as an office manager and did all the billing and insurance company work in a large psychiatric practice for many many years.)

So before trying to get rid of GID, how about changing the insurance system so that trans issues are covered? Because right now, I know lots of folks are fighting for trans stuff to be covered at all.

Or, of course, there's always the other option. The controversial one that I'm not supposed to talk about. (But I'm going to anyway, even though I'm terrified I'm going to lose some of my friends.) Which is the option that maybe it is a disorder... BUT THAT'S OK. There's this prevalent thought that if you have a disease or a disorder, that it's BAD and that it must be removed, or at least managed and the person pitied.

As a person who's had to live with a disorder all hir life, and who's been diagnosed with one since age 8, I've TOTALLY fought with the whole self-esteem + acceptance of what I have thing. I've totally gone "if what I am is ok, if there's 'nothing wrong with me', how come there's clearly something wrong with me? " Fuck, I STILL struggle with this. (Ask morningboon about the freaking out, screaming and crying.)You may say left, right and center that being ADHD is ok, or even that there's "no such thing; rather, a society that's not set up for you", but it NEVER changes the fact that I still have my symptoms, and I STILL struggle with everyday tasks. And when you're in the middle of breaking down because you can't do something stupid and simple, it's hard to remember that you are still an ok person.

I think the problem is we equate "ok person" with "normal"... STILL. Despite our acceptance of diversity, we still want to see that diversity as "normal". Which I understand. But I also realize that some things AREN'T normal, and what's fucking wrong with that? Why is it that not normal is judged as bad, and normal is judged as good? Why can't we say "I'm abnormal, and I'm good." and "I'm not normal, and I'm ok."? Normal doesn't mean good or even ok. Think of it more like "average" or "standard deviation". (Would that be sigma 0 or sigma 1? That is, what's the top of the bell curve called? I forget.)

With transgender/GID, the truth is, external gender DOESN'T match internal gender. And so some corrections need to be made. AND WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IS THE EXTERNAL GENDER, *NOT* WHAT'S INSIDE. Saying that "nothing's wrong" and "we're fully normal" is screwing ourselves over. There IS something wrong, and many transpeople know it. Their outsides don't match their insides. But that being wrong DOESN'T mean it's BAD. And it doesn't mean we need to fix the insides to match the outsides. Society has tried that, and it doesn't work. (Not to mention in our world we find it a lot more distasteful to try to change someone's personality than their bodies... or have we? [Therapy does seem to be more acceptable than body mods.]) We've found that matching the outsides to the insides works a hell of a lot better, so it's what we do. We don't do "reparative therapy", we play with hormones and clothing and surgery to correct what Nature got wrong, or however you choose to put it.

So, yeah, maybe trans IS a disorder. I mean, it's clear the outsides don't match the insides. But the disordered part is the OUTSIDE, not the inside.

And for those who feel that they don't want it to be called a disorder because of the shame associated with disorders... what about me and my ADHD? And my depression? And my Seasonal Affective Disorder? If I have to live with at least 2 mental disorders and learn to be ok with myself despite that horrible word, perhaps you can learn to be ok with yourself despite that diagnosis. How is it fair to me? By you saying that you need to get rid of the word "disorder" in the term, you're saying that there's something wrong with having a disorder. Which implies that there's something wrong with me having ADHD, SAD, and whatever other Ds, which brings us back around to "if there's nothing wrong with me, why is there something wrong with me?". Nowhere in the word "disorder" is there a word that means "bad". There are parts that mean "lack of order". (And, once again, we assign the value judgement "good" to "order", and let me tell you... as a naturally disordered ADHD person [I can't keep anything tidy, chaos feels better to me than too much order], I get real fucking sick of that value judgement.)

And for those whom the diagnosis doesn't actually help, who are just gender-variant but don't require any kind of physical correction, because they're ok with their bodies, because they're just tomboys or femmeguys, I'm sorry you got misdiagnosed.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or simply no-ho, no-op, but still feel like the body is wrong, then good on you for choosing (or having to live with) the body you have.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or no-ho, no-op but are ok with the bodies they have, then good on you for being ok with your body.

I guess in the end I'm saying that if we're going to keep GID as a diagnosis, then the problem isn't having GID as a diagnosis, but the problem is the way it was treated in the past. Remember, diagnoses don't necessarily have to be thrown out... you can just change the treatment.

EDIT: The more I'm learning about the specifics of GID, the more I'm learning how it can be used to screw gender-variant kids over. I think the diagnosis as it lays would be more helpful to be used for adults only. And the whole part of (paraphrased) "causes distress in the home or workplace", whereas that's standard criteria for other disorders, and works well for them (which is why I do actually support paraphilias being in the DSM... but that's another post I'm going to post momentarily), can't really be an accurate assessor when you're talking about a behavior that's considered (wrongly) socially unacceptable. It's society that's fucked up here, not the person.

Questions? Comments (hopefully not too hateful)? Lemme at them!

So apparently I missed Invisible Illness Awareness week, but I thought I'd put this up here anyway. I have invisible disabilities instead of invisible illness, but I thought it was still appropriate. And hopefully helpful to you understanding me more. (If you already knew all of this, let me know. If there was anything that you DIDN'T know that was like "woah!", let me know that too. It's always helpful to know what people do and don't know so that when I'm telling people about it, I know what to talk about.)

(And why the icon? Because I feel like it! And because, honestly, it feels really AWESOME! to be creating awareness around these issues.)

1. The illness I live with is: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. I also live with chronic depression. I suspect I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I'm not sure if I was ever formally diagnosed with it. Also, whatever undiagnosed mental disorder I have that makes me freak out, panic, or have depression so bad that I get self-abuse desires (physical and emotional). It may just be part of one of the other ones.
( The other 29 are inside... please keep reading, ok? )

Tonight there will be drinking and meeting up with yaksman. But now, writing in my journal in an attempt to pull myself out of my funk. (You know it's bad when I'd rather clean and tidy and sort than go outside. Srlsy.)

I'm going to put on some clothes and go wandering. I think I want to get to know Yonge better. Know it as a coherent street instead of just X thing is at X random place on Yonge. I'm thinking wandering up to Bloor, getting a double double (ah, what the hell, go caf this time), wandering west over to Yonge and then going south from there.

I really should blog more often. Blame the twits for getting me into Twitter moar.

Oh, and I love morningboon. Just thought I should throw that out there. Yeah.

So being a responsible adult fucks up your plans sometimes, but it doesn't come back to bite you in the ass (usually) as much as being irresponsible.

Like, if I could have my way, damn skippy either I'd be in Toronto right now or morningboon would be in DC now.

Or, say, like this morning. I woke up to find that my 10 gallon fish tank has sprung a leak. And now the carpet's wet as half of the tank's contents is on the floor.

Do I have money for a new tank? No. (You wanna fix that? I have PayPal. At my gmail account.)

So I get to haul my ass out to Bethesda and get some sealant or put a new tank on a credit card or something. When if I have to haul my ass anywhere, I'd rather be hauling it to Toronto. (Farther than Bethesda, true, but better. I mean, I like Bethesda, but still.) I don't want to deal with this right now. (WAH!) But I really don't have much of a choice.

And I woke up to this. Drowsy and depressed already from my Doctor taking me off of my new antidepressants which actually seem to be working some. (It was interacting with my Adderall. Making my heart race. So I was just like "So I won't take the Adderall, or we'll taper the dose on one or the other to make it work." But no. He wants to pull me from BOTH and go send me in to make sure my heart's ok when NOT on the meds. Which it is. And which I don't have time to deal with right now. [See my post about April schedule being crazy.] Argh.) (OTOH, I'm now realizing how much the antidepressant worked. Not as much as I'd like or need, but more than I thought.)

So yeah, being a responsible adult sucks sometimes. But you know what? I think in the end, it's worth it to have the fishies. I do <3 my fishies.

(And on an aside, apparently it's easier to import my rats into Toronto/Ontario than it is to import my fishies. Or at least the information I need regarding it is much easier to find. Because they're currently transferring power over fish from Fisheries and Oceans Canada to the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, which handles other pets.)

So, yes, being responsible sucks.

My Christmas was utterly fantastic, having faceless_wonder over was hella cool, my Winter holiday party went terrifically, hanging out with miscreeds the day afterward is always great... but now it's Monday, everyone has gone, and I have nothing to really look forward to in the immediate future. I've got no NYE plans. And so the post-holiday blues have set in. I'm supposed to meet up with an old friend from college and his gal who are visiting from out of town tonight, but... meh.

That being said, the wonderful faceless_wonder was able to score a Shmoocon ticket for me. No crashing the con for me this year! I have 2 cons in 2 weekends in February: Shmoocon the first weekend of Feb. and Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire the 2nd weekend. I will be so conned out.

This is my official "yes, it's morning, and I'm ok" post. I knew I would be. I always am.

asciilifeform & devvieish took me out last night for dinner and a drink and books. I got 3 books, a peach mojito (Peach was weird. Sticking with regular next time.), and chicken alfredo. We made a toast to February 29th.

And I was talking about genital construction for transpeople with devvieish on the Metro when the guy behind me commented how we were having an interesting discussion and then I started to talk with him/teach him about sexuality. Which was totally fucking awesome! Liberating society, one Metro rider at a time. :-)

..and I got my Palm back... oh, crap, I forgot to plug it in and charge it overnight. Argh!

I might go into work some today to make up some hours. And it's easier now, because I don't have to be there at a certain time and I don't have all the pressures of having to face my coworkers and my boss. I can just go and work, which is something I've been missing.

Oh, and I had weird dreams about Harry Potter. And about Dan, my soulfather. And weddings, of all things. Weird.

Was bored with WoW. Took a nap instead.

It's an hour and a half later. Still depressed out of my mind. So depressed lately that I've been thinking of turning Depressed Out of My Mind into an acronym, for ease of use. DOMM.

Perhaps Depressed Out of My Gourd works better? DOMG?

Yes. DOMG. The answer to ZOMG everywhere.

(You know it's bad when I start turning to snarky sarcasm.)

I'm so bored, I'm about to go play WoW.

Someone shoot me now.

I was out of work more than I was in it this week. This is a serious problem.

My last paycheck was less than $300. This is also a serious problem.

I don't foresee my depression letting up for at least a month or 3. This is an even bigger problem.

Something's gotta change. Something's gotta give.

***

In other notes, spent the evening with fritterfae and dmlaenker. We went out to this area of NoVA called Seven Corners. It was fuckin' Little Saigon. I've never seen such a Vietnamese area before. It was really kinda cool, at that.

And we went to G Street Fabrics. Much fun was had thinking of the totally crack clothes we could make with them. I'm realizing that 1.) I really need to learn how to sew and 2.) making that frock coat I want so badly is going to cost me a fortune in the fabric alone. OMG. Velvet = EXPENSIVE! Why couldn't Eight's coat be made out of something cheaper? (Because then it wouldn't be nearly the sex it is. Oh, yeah... that's why.)

So Fritter's gonna teach me how to sew. We're going to make some boxers out of some schweet blue and yellow flame fabric we found.

Oh, and I didn't realize patterns were so fucking expensive. Not to mention I'll probably have problems getting them to fit right, what with my short but fat and curvey body.

Anyway, this one company that makes period/costume patterns called Folkwear has this great pattern for 3 vests/waistcoats (#222 Vintage Vests - specifically, the one with the rounded collar) that I should totally get for my Eight outfit. (Oh, yeah, forgot to mention. Got an Eighth Doctor outfit in SecondLife. It cost me a fortune, but was totally worth it. It looks SO GOOD that I want one in First Life.)

(Oh, and I totally fell in love with this coat: http://www.folkwear.com/romantic.html - #230, Model T Duster. MY GOD that coat is sex. I would totally make the long version and wear it fucking EVERYWHERE. God, coats like that are just the epitome of sexy.)

Oh, and there's literally a G Street Fabrics, a Jo-Ann Fabrics and a Michael's Craft in the same shopping center. I can't believe it, personally. I mean, you'd think they couldn't compete with each other, but all the same, there they are. It's WIN.

Someone in crafty_tardis I believe mentioned that they found the exact fabric for Ten's suit in Jo-Ann Fabrics and it was on sale. So we popped in there 5 minutes before they closed and looked. We couldn't find it.

We went to this tasty ass Vietnamese place for dinner. I had this thing with beef in spicy peanut sauce with rice noodles and salad, all mixed in together. It was delish.

Then we went back to Fritter's place and started watching an old Doctor Who plot arc, Doctor Who and the Silurians. Wow, it was so '70s-tastic. It's the first of the old Doctor Who I've gotten to watch. I'm having a hard time getting past the totally FAKE look and feel of the sets and the series, but I'm liking the Third Doctor. He's got this certain je ne sais quoi about him, this certain certainty, self-assuredness, almost slight arrogance about him that I must admit, works well for him.

I do enjoy spending the evening with those 2. They're both wonderful people individually, and they're such a fantastic couple. They're so great for each other. And they're both good at being friends.

***

In other other notes, my room is fucking freezing. Why is my room so God damned cold? *shiver*

And I'm hungry again. Wish I would have had leftovers with my dinner. (I let Fritter eat them because my portion was large and his was small and he was hungry.)

Oh, and new icon. Think I'm going to use it for thoughtful as well as for alone, lonely and/or depressed.

Queen + Paul Rodgers? Meh.
Life in general right now? Meh.

I have never been this depressed before. Even the rampant breeding weather we're having isn't getting me out of my funk.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

(and, honestly, if I get a single "get a job!" reply to this, I will go SO postal, it's not even funny. It's my journal. I'll bitch if I want to. To the naysayers? Fuck off.)

TO DO:
Complete overhaul of my journal design

Yeah... don't know when THAT'S going to happen. And since I don't have anything in mind yet, that'll make my doing it even harder/make me procrastinate even longer.

I *DO* know, though, that my color scheme is probably going to be in the reds/oranges/browns range. Perhaps I'll use the layout that overlord_mordax uses. But, I have to admit, I don't like that layout because it doesn't show you the User Icon for each post individually. And I need one that does that, because I have MADD icons (I need to clean out my list of them too, and acquire ones for certain moods that I don't have yet) and use them very carefully.

Honestly? I'm sick of all the green. Seriously.


***

In other news...

Working today. Work == boring as hell. Eating my soul type boring as hell.

Going to herodotusjr's party tonight. miscreeds is coming along.
Ya know, I haven't drank in a couple of days, but I will admit, when my soul is being crushed/feeling crushed, I can hear the Siren's Song call me. I just wish I could be drunk at work. Because now's the time I don't want to be conscious.

Even more news...

Searched for freely (legally) DLable music yesterday. Downloaded alot of music from the Creative Commons database. Check out Granian from BurnAndShare.com. They're Rock. They're good. So far I like "Whole Again" best.

***

Creative thoughts/stuff I need to do:

1.) Animated GIF icon. Text on every frame: "There's just so much that time can not erase." Various pictures of bad shit from Otto's past.
2.) Animated GIF icon. Opening text "The Many Faces of Otto Octavius". Various pictures of various Ottos/Ocks.
3.) Same as 2, only with opening text of "The Many Faces of Doctor Octopus".
4.) Keep working on the Otto love one. Figure out what to put as opening text. Perhaps just Otto Love or Ock love.

***

Why the icon? Because I like the look on my face there, and that's the look I wanna portray. Kinda apathetic, not amused, kinda questioning with one eyebrow. Yeah, overlord_mordax draws good shit. :-)

...sigh... I miss her. :-(
I guess I really *was* in love.
...sigh...

It's funny.

It's late and I'm tired.

And the urge to drink has kicked in.

I don't get it... I didn't think that alcohol was chemically addictive. Then why am I craving it? Why am I craving the feeling I get when I'm completely shit-faced?

Is it because I don't feel so tired when I'm like that? Is it because I don't feel anything when I'm like that?

I think I want to not feel tired because I have so little time to myself; I feel like all my time is spent at work (and, if you do the math, I do spend 2x as long at work as I do real true time to myself off), and I want to be awake in the evenings so I can have as much time to myself as possible.

Hmm... I'm going to go take my shower now.

...I'm not sure... perhaps I will get drunk tonight. It's not like I have a reason not to.

I am tired.

So, so tired.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually (spiritually? Do I even have a spirit?)


...

I don't want to drink anymore... at least not like that, at least not for a long time.

You can not believe the depth and the breadth to which I utterly loathe and hate myself. I am repulsed by my very presence on this planet, the very fact that I exist. God, I'm a disgusting sack of flesh. I am a sorry excuse for a human being, which is saying something, considering how brainless and worthless your average person is now a days.

I should have never been born. They should have tested my mother while she was pregnant, found out that she was carrying a horrid repulsion, a freak of nature, and made her/convinced her to abort.

But then again, perhaps my consciousness would have just decided to come back with her next try. Is there any way to actually kill off someone's soul? I don't mean beat it into submission, I mean make it so it doesn't exist. Because that which is the essence of me, that which makes me who I am is simply revolting and loathsome. It doesn't deserve to live. Think extreme deformity.

I am such a FREAK.

I can just feel the minutes slowly tick by and I wait until 5 o clock, until I can get out of here, this soul crushing place, and go home and just be numb. Put myself under... forget about the world. Forget about my boss, my job... forget about how I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me.

I exercized again last night. When I was done, I felt SO GOOD. I just released so many endorphins... I was in a state of euphoric bliss. I biked for 30 minutes, and then I used a no-impact running machine for 20. I ran yesterday. I never ran in my life. And it felt SOO GOOOOD. At about 6 minutes in, I was already tired but I just made myself keep going... I fell into a cadence, just like when biking. One of those things where you're too tired to go on but you push your body and it goes on out of sheer inertia. If I had stopped at any point, I wouldn't have been able to start again, but if I just kept going, kept going, kept going, my body responded... and it responded well. My body and my brain remember what it was like back when I was in shape in HS, back when I biked all the time, back when I did vigorous folk dancing every Wednesday. It remembers those brain waves, it remembers those patterns. It knows how to respond. It feels so good. I'm glad to know my body isn't letting me down.

The euphoria after working out feel so good... it's like better than the good parts of drinking w/o the bad. The only problem is... the part I'm RPing right now, it's the wrong mood to get into character. The exact wrong mood. And I'm not RPing any characters with the right mood. Grrr.

But now. Now I'm at work. Walking into work, my mind falls into the vapid pit of despondency, my soul gets the life force sucked from it. And all I can think about is drinking, drowning it out, making it all go away. Grabbing a bottle of tequila [I don't even LIKE tequila] and just pouring shot after shot down my gullet, feeling the burn in my belly, knowing that I'm killing brain cells, hoping that consciousness won't return, praying to the Chemical God that work won't exist in the morning or that I won't exist in the morning or that SOMETHING will change.

Today, the minutes pass like hours, the hours pass so slowly, and still the sky is light.

Every minute passes like an eternity. I know there's stuff I need to be doing, but I just can't. It hurts too bad. It's too deadening, the leadening of my soul.

Tick....





Tick....





Tick....





Oh, God, I can hardly wait to get off work, to get home.

There is no rest, no hope for the weary.
***
Oh, and herodotusjr? I don't care. Suck it. (heh... "Suck it, Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.")
***

On another note, Google Whack!
"vapid raisin"

I had the word vapid in my box from looking it up at M-W.com for the above... I wanted to make sure I was using it correctly. so I was like "I wanna find a google whack... what should I put with vapid?" the word raisins came into my mind. I tried it, no hits. Then I tried the singular. Success.

"vapid raisin"
***
Oh, and 10 points and a cookie to the person who can find the 2 lyric references in this post, and say what they're from. They should be pretty obvious.

One I can't help... the other was an intentional reminder.

1.) my period. it's hard to forget your a girl when you're fucking bleeding from your crotch. the rest of the month, I can RP just fine. I can ignore my boobs, I can wear my cock (hard or soft pack). But when I start bleeding from my cunt, and having to take care of that... yeah. This is how you remind me of what I really am...

2.) I have an F carved into my left arm. It's partially SI, it's partially totally intentional BM, scarrification. It stands for Failure, it stands for Freak. This is how I remind me of what I really am...

Yes, I should be putting this behind an LJ cut with a "triggering" modifier. But I'm not. You know why? Because, despite the (fucked up, insane) mental health profession's view on it, it's not a bad thing. (also because I'm just evil) It's a coping mechanism. When done right, it's less damaging then drinking. Or smoking. Or whatever. People SI because the pain causes adrenaline and endorphins to flow through one's brain. Pain causes triggers inside the brain to counteract it with happy chemicals. And those chemicals feel good. People SI not because they want to die or because their brain is wired wrong, but because it's wired RIGHT.

When I see the F is starting to fade, I refresh the wound. I want this on my arm. I've wanted it for years. I've wanted something to remind me. I finally figured out F.


Did overlord_mordax kiss it when I was up there? In an attempt to emotionally heal it and the pain it carries. I have a memory of her doing that... but it could have been just something I made up.


God, I'm so fucked up. Her parents were right. God I miss her. God falling apart isn't going to make her trust me any more. But I can be strong when I need to be... when I have to be. I just... I've had enough, life, can we make something go easier on me now? Please? Thanks...

...

1.) my period
2.) my F

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

Who can take time out to be with me today?

I need love. I need love more than ever.

I feel very selfish, I feel very attention-whore-y that I'm asking for this, but avdi has somehow gotten into my head that it's ok to ask for love and attention and affection when you need it, so here I am, asking for it.

Who can take time out to be with me today?

/me twists her mouth into a half-smile, half-grimace at the irony of the song...

So I called in sick.

I need help. I really do. I need to get help before I lose my job.

But here's the thing? What can they do? Pump me full of pills, tell me to be happy with the miserable, mediocre inanity that passes for "reality" around these parts? They can't make my boss change and give me other work to do besides the boring work (I've already talked to him... some good THAT did. When will he learn that the more he tries to force me onto that task and that task alone, the less I'll be able to do of it? I need to know that I have other things to do for part of the day to relieve the boredom. And then I can throw myself into it. Otherwise, I just know that utter ennui is all I have to look forward to, and I get distracted, in search of something more stimulating.)

He just doesn't understand. They just don't understand. Stupid fucking psychologists, trying to tell me my mind is messed up, and it should conform more to the minds around me. Yes, we may lose the insanity, but we'll also lose the intelligence! We'll lose the creative spark of genius that sets me apart from the rest of the crowd. The highest minds aren't meant to conform to the quagmire of reality and the puny minds around them. (Note: if you're reading this journal, you're most likely one of us, the smart ones, instead of one of them).

To quote Otto in Year One:
You, spouting the regurgitated thoughts of the Freuds and the Jungs -- perverts and drug addicts -- hope to understand my mind?

I don't think conventional psychology/psychiatry is the way to go here. But then what is?

I tried calling Dan/Daddy/Toby. No answer on either of his phones. He's such a fucking hypocrite sometimes. He says he'll always be there for me... then why is it that more often than not, when I call him, I can't reach him?! Huh? Nice of you to be there for you when I need you... fucker.

So I'm reaching out to you. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't keep living like this. This happens to me every winter, and it passes, but I'm usually not employed in the winter. And this is a permanent job... I don't want to lose it. I already talked to the boss's boss, telling him about my depression. They seem willing to work with me... this is good.

Now if only my boss will work with me. :sigh: He thinks that anyone and everyone can work up to his level and be exactly as he is if they just work hard enough. 1.) that's simply not true... I'll never be able to achieve that and 2.) nor would I want to. He needs to accept that there *are* some limitations with ADHD and that I know how to work around them if he'd just trust me enough to let me work the way I work.

So, uh, yeah... out there in LJ land... a little help here? Help me figure out what to do. If you want to talk to me in person, leave an IM, and when I see it, I'll get back to you with my phone number. If I feel comfortable giving out my phone number, that is.

Now back to bed with me. I promised myself if I took off today, I'd use the day to put some of my affairs in order (like getting my W2s and getting help), but I don't have to do all of that now.

So numb inside, and yet so much pain and trauma at the same time.
I wake up, and within 5 minutes dread having to face another day. Even though the sun is shining its blessed rays down on me. Even though it's Saturday.

Where do I go from here? How do I minimize the pain, make the pain go away, but do it in a way that I'll still love her? That won't be me doing the painful process of getting over her and healing. Because I don't want to go down that road... I want to still love her. I don't want to move on and let go... I know that this is just a period of estrangement... and that when it's over, I'll hear from her. That she still loves me. (for some reason, the images of Mary Alice running up to the tentacles and them surging forward to try to touch her through the glass from S-M/DO Year One, #3 is popping up in my head... matching what I just said. I tried to find a picture to show you, but I couldn't find a scan of it online)

Hmm... I'm starting to feel my love and passion for her well up inside. This is good. I haven't been able to feel this in a little while...

God, I'm so scared. God, I'm so stressed. God, I just want to run... run far, far away, in an attempt to use the fight-or-flight on my own mind. But whereever I go, there I am.

Not even running up to Upstateville and seeing her seems to make sense to me right now. I'm not welcome in any form in their house. I'd have to go up there and throw rocks at her window to wake her up. 'Tis a good thing her window overlooks the street... at least I think it does. /me does the math. Yeah, it does. She'd come to the window, I'd say "hey, pack a bag just in case, but come on down! I'll leave you back here if you want to at the end of the day!" She'd come down, hop in the car, and I would drive just far enough away to somewhere where we could be safe. And then we'd go inside and I'd hug her. And we'd hug and hug and hug and wouldn't let go. I'm talking like a 5 minute hug here. Because I want to hold her again more than anything in the world.

God... so much pain... so much pain...

I've gotten as lonely and as starved for human touch as the Otto I play with overlord_mordax.
And it only takes 3 - 4 months...

/me hangs her head in sadness and shame...

Why do I have such a tortured, tormented soul?

Why does the world seemingly delight in taking gentle, sensitive, intelligent minds and exposing them to "reality" in such a way that it perverts and destroys their unique ways of being, and turns them into seriously messed up people?

Why is the world unfair, unjust?

Why does the concept of justice even exist if it truly is not the way of this world?

Why? Why, why, why...

there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
the memories seep through my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight...

...the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

Why is it when I start feeling better, life has to come and slap me down again?

I was feeling better, but then, feeling put on the spot, I said something stupid at work, and got reprimanded for it. They did NOT look happy.

God, I'm such a moron. Right when I think I'm over my social ineptitude, it comes up again to bite me in the ass. I thought I was past this.

I should have learned this in school. But never did I think I was going to have to get along with people and work in a corporate environment. I thought I was going to go do tech for a tech company. (Microsoft, Adobe, Dell, Google, whatever...)

I *am* a freak. A rejected outcast, shunned from society. Or at least I should be, because I obviously don't belong here. And, TBH, I don't fit in here, I know that, and I don't *want* to fit in here. The corporate world is so bass-ackwards. They treasure how things look above how things really are. They care more about apperances than truth.

Gah.

I just wish I had the choice of fitting in or not. But I don't. Because I don't.

God, I'm such a freak.

Well, I *was* better.
:sigh:

/me pops her visage out of the fog, only her spectacles showing (spectacles... what a great word for glasses).

/me 's face gets swallowed by the gray nothingness again...

Depression. Very bad depression. Very deep depression.

The winter depression has finally, officially set in. I forgot what this felt like. I forgot how deep it is. I forgot how it feels like being at the bottom of a 10 foot swimming pool.

I'm taking my meds, but they don't help much.

I just hope I can get through this. I just hope I can keep my job.

And I won't get out of this until April or May.


She said she was going to stand by me. I hope she knows what she's getting herself into. I don't think she does. I think she'll run, just like all the others.

I don't think our love can survive the winter. Love never does.

She's so soft and huggable and holdable.

God, do I sense her absence with every fiber of my being. God, how I should be holding her right now.


...ya know, I told myself long ago that I wouldn't do the long distance thing again. Oh, *that's* going well. That's going just great. :-[

Love knows no:
Gender
Political Boundaries
Distance
Time
Age

:sigh: This time last week, I was with her. This time 4 weeks from now, she will be with me.

God, I can't live this way. Living in the past and the future, but never the present. I hate wasting perfectly good months this way, wasting them to the waiting game.

And it's the middle of winter. The worst months of the year for me. No matter what I do, I get depressed. If I take my 5-HTP and take care of myself, I get less depressed, but I still get depressed.

The winter depression has set in. Missing her has set in.

...


Love the One You're With just came on. Perhaps I should take this more to heart. :-)

"Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
and the eagle fly with the dove
and if you can't be with the one you love, honey
love the one you're with
love the one you're with
love the one you're with
love the one you're with"

Ok... I'm bored to tears... someone call me and we'll do something.