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he tells me to dream
while driving in the car
through Jersey
the leaves coming out on the lindens along the lane

he asks me what my goals are
stubble on his face
if I even have any goals
eyebrows furrowed and worried

I get indignant
but know it's a good question

I say something about getting mentally well
As the sun goes down
I mumble something about returning to college one day maybe

i don't have any goals
but i don't want to be made to feel bad about this

my goal is living through today
through tomorrow
my goal is being happy
one moment at a time

it sounds so noble
so zen

it's not

people without mental illness
without chronic depression
don't understand what it's like
to have their life stolen away
by the fog in one's head
to not even conceive of dreaming
because it's simply
a ludicrous proposition

I mention happiness as a goal
he states that I probably have
a better chance at it than his

he gives me hope for the future
thoughts that maybe I could really do something
I wanted

I've learned to stop even wanting
ages ago

but there's some part of me that knows, however
that it's never going to happen
I'll never achieve
because I was never given the power
to accomplish my dreams

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/8045.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

They tell me to dream
what they don't tell me is
the pain that will come with it
the desperation
the agony
the feeling that you're
never quite good enough
don't have what it takes to achieve
that dream
that desire
that goal

they told us we could be anything
they told me that I was smart
that I would do great things
no one told me
I didn't have to
it was expected of me

they didn't tell me that
my ADHD might hold me back
that depression would
engulf my days
"blind my eyes
& steal my dreams"

he tells me to dream
wants me to think big
i prefer to think little
baby steps
it's more feasible
and tiny steps'll get me there
as long as I keep taking them

I'm afraid
I don't want to dream big
I don't want to dream at all
dreams hurt
gossamer promises whispered
in my ear after dark
seductive but deadly

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/7867.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Stolen from maize on DW (Well, stolen from his LJ, but still).

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This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/7585.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Re-read my last entry into my journal from April 2nd... so full of hopes and dreams and promise.

How things can change in a month.

About 2 weeks ago, I tried a new psychiatric medication to try to help with the depression. Instead it had extreme side effects of extreme moodiness, dissociation, agoraphobia, and intensification of light & sound. It was so bad that my psych doctor pulled me off of it after 1 dose.

My brain has not returned to its previous level since.

It took days for the dissociation to revert to a manageable level... same for the agoraphobia. Hell, I still have dissociative episodes... the last ones were with my lover, which, while I was in good hands & was treated with care & respect, was not the place nor the time I wanted to deal with that kind of retreat into my own head.

But the most insidious side effect is that it's made my depression worse. That feeling of things going well and me being able to manage my own life is gone completely. I feel the same way I did before I started going to therapy back at the end of October. All that hope and all that confidence has vanished, and I don't seem to be able to figure out how to get it back. (Previously, everything felt like it was "turning up Milhouse" & I was waiting for the other shoe to fall... I think it's fallen.) On top of that, my depression has been steadily getting worse... I took a trip to Pittsburgh recently for sightseeing, hanging out with friends, and attending an unconference. I didn't have a very good time at all... I was depressed most of the time that I was by myself (note to self: stop taking vacations alone) and I had a breakdown at the unconference (thank God for the organizer, who took me under her arm and let me cry and basically did aftercare). My lover wanted me to go to the conference for professional development, but I honestly don't think any of that happened.

Starting on Monday, I've entered one of the worst depressive episodes I've ever had. I've been in great pain a lot, I've been crying a lot (A LOT), and I've had a lot of thoughts about self-injury & suicide. I haven't felt like this in AGES, and, previously, it's only happened because of some kind of drama or crisis. I have some life stuff that's bothering me (lover issues, a large medical bill that I don't have the funds to pay), but nothing huge.

I just feel like I've lost all the footing I gained over the past 6 months. This is frustrating, esp. because I don't feel like I'm in a place where anyone would want to date me or that I'm in a place where I can deal with the emotional challenges of any form of relationship right now. Of course, I have a lover and I'm really trying to figure out if I can handle that (I need to do some serious changes of expectations in my head, and even then I don't know if it's worth it... I'm also realizing that any of the serious stuff to work on with that absolutely needs to be put on hold right now, because I don't have the emotional energy to deal with it and it's really adding to the depression and the pain), and what I really REALLY need is a life partner, someone to help me through this crap.

OTOH, I know that there's one way I *haven't* lost some footing. I'm still doing everything right. I'm eating right (or close to it), I'm sleeping right (or close to it), I'm exercising, I'm going to therapy, and I'm trying new medication (rather, an old one that worked previously but had unacceptable side effects. We're trying it a different way this time to see if we can get it to work.) Any other time I'd go through this, everything would get dropped. Also, this time, I know I'm in dire straits and I'm reaching out for help. (Unfortunately, all of my friends are busy/in other places and can't help me. This is BAD. It's hard enough for me to reach out for help, and then when everyone that I'd trust to do it or want to do it can't do it, it feels like a slap on the face and like just another realization that I don't deserve/I'm not loved or cared about enough to feel better or to be taken care of .) And, granted, some life stuff has gotten dropped, but I also had the wherewithall to find someone else to take care of 1 of the major pieces of life stuff that was just too much for me to handle. (Ok, it was my mom, but this time there was little shame in asking for her help... just the knowledge that asking for help when you need it is the adult thing to do.)

So, in some ways, I have grown up and have come a long way since 20. In other ways though, the ones that make me feel good and give me hope for the future, I had it in my hand and it slipped through my fingers, like a wave upon the shore.

Can I go back to those golden moments where I felt like I could actually have a life, a real, honest-to-goodness life? Can I go back to that place where the sun set upon me and my lover beside the river and everything felt RIGHT? Can I go back to that place where I felt like I was finally MAKING IT?

I'm just trying to trust my therapist when he says that this will pass and I will return back to that confident place where I genuinely feel like I can handle my life again. I'm just hoping it happens soon. I'd like my life back, please. I was just starting to have it and get used to the fact that I had one and, well, I kinda rather liked it, after the shock wore off.

(And I think good meaning people will tell me to "just do it" or "only you can decide when it happens", and, in this case, that's not how it works. I'm doing the things that need to be done for said life, but now I have to wait for my brain chemistry to catch up. There's nothing I can do about the brain chemistry parts that aren't already being done.)

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/7372.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

So many mountains. I've been up and down a thousand times now. Having a hard time keeping my ears clear… I need to keep popping them and they don't want to pop.

We're in the part of the country where the trees haven't come out yet. They're just starting to, and so they're covered with bits of yellowy-green, red (from the redbuds), and orange (not sure what those are). It's like Fall in reverse.

Reading Microserfs for the umpteen-millionth time. Reading about the changes happening with Dan and Karla and the rest echos of the changes in my life and my lover's too. This time of being 30 sure is an interesting one. We're blossoming and growing.

I need to figure out what I want to talk about at the GrUE on Saturday. You're supposed to talk about something you're passionate about, but my passions these days have been leaning towards figuring out interpersonal relationships and exercising instead of towards sexual theory and kink. I'm just not sure what to do. Maybe I'll be inspired once I'm there? Maybe someone'll request a class that I have the knowledge to teach? Or maybe I'll just teach about fat fetishes or fandomsexuality. (I kinda hope not… I mean, I love those classes, but they're not big for me right now.) Maybe I'll pull together a class I've been mulling over and teach that. The problem is, a number of those classes are for specialized audiences, and I have no idea if we'll have people specialized enough for those classes.

I should ping O and state my special dietary needs. The form asking if you had special needs had check boxes and didn't state my needs as one of them.

Still very sore in my right rotor cuff. I'm going to ask the person I'm staying with in Pittsburgh about it… he's a nurse.

*****

I spent my twenties figuring out who I was. I'll be spending my thirties figuring out what I can do. What I can make myself of this life I've been given. Or what I can make of my life with the cards I've been given.

And for the first time, I feel like I actually have hope of being able to make something that I want of my life. I blame my therapist and my lover. They're actually the most important men in my life right now.

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/7099.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Because I'm trying to transition to using ONLY Dreamwidth for my journal, from here on out, I'm blocking comments on crossposts to this journal. I requested in the past that people comment on the DW journal, but people keep commenting here. I'd like to request that in the future, if you come across a post that states that it's originally posted on DW, that you go there to comment. I don't want to have 2 different discussions in 2 different places.

Dreamwidth uses OpenID (just like LJ), so you can sign in using your LJ username & password (or whatever other OpenID you prefer to use) to comment.

Thank you.

(Also, FWIW, if you're reading this via RSS, please drop this RSS feed & go subscribe to my Dreamwidth's RSS or its ATOM feed.)

(Some of this is x-posted from Twitter, with greater observations mixed in.)

Oh man... Lovers in a Dangerous Time as sung by Barenaked Ladies just came on. SO many memories of Canada, living with Boon (my ex), and Winter 2011 came flooding back. A feeling of inner peace swirled with inner pain. There were certain parts of my relationship w/Boon that went unnoticed at the time that I have to admit, I really miss now. And, yes, some of the stuff was stuff that was there even at the end.

I miss the cohabitation mindset. I miss the feeling of being in a long-term, committed, cohabitating relationship. That place where you're their sweetie, they're your honey, and being that person's partner (and them being your partner) is just a part of who you are, part of your identity. (I STILL have to remind myself that I'm not his girlfriend, that that is no longer part of my identity. I STILL don't think my psyche believes it/is used to it yet.) I miss our easy comfort with each other's presence. I felt like I belonged with him, as opposed to the feeling I get when I'm with my current lover that he's too good for me, that he's out of my league, 1 league above mine.

Maybe I hold my current sweetie on too high of a pedestal. Actually, more likely, I don't realize I've bumped up a league since my ex. I mean, other than the job thing, I've got my life under pretty good control. This is very, VERY new for me, and I'm still trying to accept it.

Identity in relationship to other people can be a very tricky thing.

But with this song on, I can remember speeding by the snow covered hills of upstate New York on an overcast day around Sunset, heading towards my parents' house. So much time spent on a Megabus. But, honestly? There's no way in hell that I feel that everything that happened in those past 2 years was for nothing. And I don't always think that's good. I still am not totally sure I've let go of all of those hopes, dreams & promises. I don't want to move to Toronto anymore, and I've gotten over not being able to live in Toronto. I've mostly gotten over not being able to make a fresh start in a new country, although I still kinda wish that was true.

Sometimes I don't think my current sweetie understands that, while he wants me to keep my own life because it's healthy, at the time, one of the things I really liked about my ex is that being with him was the ability for a completely fresh start it was giving me. I was bored with living in DC. I still am. I WANTED the opportunity to drop everything and start anew. I've done a lot of growth since then, and I have a me that I like being now with things in my life that I like being and doing. But the same old desire for a new life is still there. And, I must admit, having things in my life I want to keep (regardless of the fact that I can still do them no matter where I am) is feeling awfully inconvenient. I don't know HOW to fit things from an old life into a new life, even if those things are newly fought for and won and even if they ARE good. It feels too much like kludging. Awkward and weird.

So many thoughts... so few answers. Being alive is an amazing thing. (And the nice thing about 30 is that enough of the fear is gone that you can enjoy the amazing without all the terror. I really like being almost 30.)

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/6820.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Here's a post my long time readers probably never thought they'd read. ;-) This is a very hard post for me to write, so be very gentle in the comments, ok?

Since I got my gallstone, I decided to start exercising. I figured, I'm already on a (low-fat) diet anyway, I might as well exercise as well and see what happens.

Knowing that if I bought something, I'd feel obligated to continue exercising. (I also dig having all the statistics & graphs & such.) I picked up a Nike+ Apple sensor to go with my iPod Touch on December 1st. My friend Jolly gave me his old UP band at the end of January. I've been walking since the beginning of December, sometimes just tracking my walks to the bus, sometimes hitting the treadmill. Since the middle of March, I started lifting weights again, too, as I've seen the muscles on my new sweetie (who has a similar story of body reawakening, only not prompted by illness) and realized that the muscular arms and back I've wanted for a while is, indeed, possible.

I can walk a 5k now. My pants no longer fit me (which you think would be good, but it's annoying). I've even started jogging a bit (even though I REALLY shouldn't because it DOES fuck up my knees more). I can run for 90 seconds solid... I couldn't do that when I was skinny & in shape as a teen.

I have a lot of feelings on this. One of them, frankly, is anger & betrayal at the fat acceptance movement. Frankly, they lied to me. They told me no one ever loses weight, and no one keeps it off. They told me diets always fail. I genuinely didn't think it was possible to lose weight or get back in shape. It is. I'm doing it, and, frankly, I'm loving it. They have lied to me, and I am PISSED. For YEARS, I could have been feeling this good & enjoying my body this much, and I wasn't. I wasn't because I genuinely did not think it was possible to go back to a place of better fitness. I thought, once fat & out of shape, always fat and out of shape. This is wrong. I'm not there yet, but I'd like to get to the point where I can ice skate & rollerblade again and it won't hurt my ankles. I'm a long way off from there, but I miss skating and I want to do it again.

I still believe in the goals of fat acceptance in society. I do NOT believe that we should lie to further those goals.

First off, let me speak truth to the movement. This has been a long time in coming for me... it's taken me a LONG time to gain the self-confidence & courage to state the following. Weight loss, strength gain, endurance, and a greater level of fitness ARE ALL POSSIBLE. It IS possible to get in better (notice better, not necessarily "best". Just bettER.) shape (not necessarily lose weight) if you want, and it doesn't necessarily have to suck balls completely. (I'm proof of this.) Now, weight loss may not be possible for all bodies. I'm not going to state that it is. I understand, everyone has unique situations. I understand about genetics and untreated thyroid conditions and the whole shebang. But Health At Every Size needs to modify itself a bit. Maybe not everyone is healthy at every size (I know I wasn't healthy at the size I was. I'm still not where I'd like to be, healthy wise. I'm getting there, though.), but there is a size (or sizes) that's healthy for each individual, and it may or may not be skinny. Yes, HAES is trying to make the person as healthy as possible at the size they are instead of focusing on changing size for health, and I agree, that's a fantastic goal that should go without saying, but people should also be encouraged to find the size THEY want themselves to be at for what feels right for them.

(On an aside, we've gone from encouraging people to like themselves at their size to making it mandatory for people to like themselves at whatever size they are. Frankly, as a feminist, I find it offensive to be told how I'm supposed to feel about my body, and I find that the fat acceptance movement has been in some ways as bad for my self esteem, telling me I HAVE to like my body at its size, as the world has been telling me I have to HATE my body at its size. It's taken me a long time to learn to be confident in myself enough to come to terms with the fact that I want to change my body. Yes, you read that right. I had to learn to be confident in myself so that I could dislike the way my body looks (sometimes, in some places, with a certain [healthy?] amount of dislike... there's things about it I like, too!) instead of just parroting back "I love my body" all the time. I'm tired of ALL the judgements on my body, good or bad. My body, my feelings, my choice! The fat acceptance movement needs to go from "love your body!" to "you don't have to hate your body... loving it is an option!" Then people can decide for themselves how to feel about their bodies & their weight.)

Fat acceptance is a VERY important goal. Our society needs to stop judging people on their size. That being said, we can't do it by telling fat people that they'll never be able to eat healthier, so why try, or that they'll never be able to have more energy and endurance, so there's no reason to go exercise. Fitness needs to be an OPTION, not a MANDATE. But, God damn it, I want my option to fitness.

I also owe an apology to those that I told those things to. I'm sorry. I was wrong to take that tactic. Maybe 95% of diets DO fail within a year. But is that a reason to not start small and to try eating healthier if that's what you want? No. I spread around their discouragement and lies as a reason for fat acceptance. Fat acceptance stands alone without discouragement and lies. We don't need to say "diets & exercise fail, and that's why we should accept fat people." FUCK NO. We need to say "we should accept fat people because they're people and judging people off of the way they look is fucking bullshit & totally uncool".

What will happen when I no longer need a low-fat diet & I get my gallstone out? Will I gain the weight back (and more)? Maybe. Frankly, I just don't have the taste for super fattening foods the way I used to before... they just don't seem appealing to me anymore, at least not nearly as much as they used to. Will this change once I'm not scared to eat them anymore? Maybe? The times I have eaten a few bites of fried food, it was good, but not NEARLY as good as I remember. Which, in a way, is a bit sad, because I used to revel in bad for me foods.

Will I stop exercising? Doubtful. The truth is, I LIKE exercising. It feels GOOD. I was a very active child & teen, and as a teen, I used to cycle to get out of the house. My body knows what it's like to fall into a rhythm, into a cadence. It knows how to create exercise high. It always has. It hasn't forgotten that over the years. And it feels FANTASTIC. (The cardio feels fantastic. The weight lifting, however, makes me shaky and want to cry and emotionally feels like crap, and I'm not sure why, as I used to lift weights as a teen and I always enjoyed it then. [Back then, I always saw results within 2 sessions or so. Now I'm not seeing any & am just having to hope it's working.] Any ideas?)

There's another part to this, a part on how hard it is to find size positive folks & sites & ideas in the exercise & fitness sphere of the Internet, and how that also keeps (both SP & other) folks that would otherwise like to exercise & participate from going out there & doing what they want with their bodies. But this post has already been long enough, so I'm going to post it now.

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/6505.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Invented this recipe out of necessity (gallbladder problems have led me to need to be on an extremely low to no fat diet) and I never imagined that it would be so good! It looks good, it smells good, it tastes good, and it's HELLA easy. What's great about it is that it's actually extremely low to no fat (however much fat is in your chicken) but that it can easily be adapted to a full fat recipe (replace non-fat cream cheese with half or full fat, or perhaps even Velveeta). That being said, it's REALLY good the way it is.

This is how I made it. Feel free to substitute for whatever you have.

6 skinless boneless chicken tenderloins
1/2 box of fat free cream cheese, chunked up for easy melting
1/3 jar of REALLY GOOD salsa

This is important... don't skimp on the salsa. Buy a really good one instead of the cheapy stuff. I used Salpica Mango Peach with Roasted Tomato. Don't expect it to taste like mangos and peaches... it has chipotles in adobo sauce in it, so it's quite smoky. NOM. It claims it's "medium" but I found it to be quite hot when eaten alone, HOWEVER, the dairy in this dish cools it down to just the right amount of kick. But, yes. GOOD jarred salsa. (I'm thinking something of the more tomato sauce-y variety. I don't think a pico de gallo would be good for this.)


Brown the chicken till it cooks on the outside. (if there's any fat that comes off, drain it)

Turn the heat down way low and wait till the pan cools a bit. (THIS IS IMPORTANT.) Then put the cream cheese on the pan itself and move it around so it starts to melt.

When it's about half way melted, dump in the salsa. Note that you can put a little more or a little less, to taste. Mix it up, continuing to melt the cream cheese.

Simmer it until your chicken's done. (cooked all the way through and juices come out clear) (5 min? 10 min? I didn't pay attention.)

PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, you claim? Fine. Here's pics.
https://twitter.com/#!/C4bl3Fl4m3/media/slideshow?url=pic.twitter.com%2FBkZheEZ7
https://twitter.com/#!/C4bl3Fl4m3/media/slideshow?url=pic.twitter.com%2FctEKCEf8

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/6263.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

This is something that's been bugging me for a while. I wanted to do this on Twitter, but I've been trying to get away from having nuanced discussions in a medium that only allows 140 characters per post... let's just say it doesn't turn out pretty for my emotions.

The UK-based Bisexual Index has been claiming for a while that bisexuality doesn't insist there's only 2 genders.

I'm really, truly sorry to have to do this, as I truly like the group, and I think they're doing great work, and, frankly, and I'm glad that Britain has a seemingly greater bisexual movement than what I've seen in North America, but I call bullshit.

Until the prefix "bi" no longer means 2, the word "bisexual" still implies there's only 2 genders, regardless of individual knowledge. Notice I said the WORD "bisexual". This doesn't mean that every bisexual person (by identity or behavior) is transphobic or trans-unaware. This doesn't mean the bisexual movement as a whole is transphobic. And, frankly, stating this fact about the word itself is NOT biphobia. (As you all know, "bisexual" has been a part of my identity for years, I've bemoaned bisexual invisibility in the GLBT community at large, and I've proudly flown our colors and marched under them on many occasions.) But you simply can't deny that the word itself does, indeed, imply the number 2. And until bisexual organizations stop trying to deny this fact, they've lost a degree of respect in my eyes.

I think the best way to approach this isn't to say that "bisexual doesn't imply 2", but rather to say, "This word started at a time when our knowledge and understanding of gender wasn't where it was today. The prefix 'bi' implies 2, because at the time we (that is, the bisexual movement) adopted this word, we thought there were only men and women. Nowadays, we know that gender is far more complex than that, and many, perhaps even most, people who identify as bisexual aren't truly BIsexual, but rather are non-monosexual... that is, they love and/or are attracted to more than one gender. These people may also identify with the word pansexual, omnisexual, multisexual, or a number of other words. We keep the word "bisexual" for a number of reasons, including the gains we've made under this word historically & the movement we've created therein, but wish to make it known that we recognize and celebrate the breadth and diversity of gender as we know it today."

(On an aside, if you're reading this on LiveJournal and you'd like to comment, PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON LIVEJOURNAL. I'm trying to phase that journal out. Come over to my Dreamwidth entry on it, sign in using your LiveJournal credentials [using OpenID], and comment there. Thank you!)

EDIT: Thinking about this more, I'm realizing that the word actually doesn't imply there are 2 genders, but rather states that the person is sexual for 2 genders. It doesn't say WHICH 2... it could be any of them. Hmm...

This entry was originally posted at http://c4bl3fl4m3.dreamwidth.org/6085.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

I have been meaning to write this for a while. I finally wrote it up in response to someone else's blog. I thought I'd crosspost it to my journal and I figured, oh, hay, what a great way to inaugurate my new DW journal.

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Apparently people have been using my Switch Pride Flag (sometimes even as the official one!), even though I EXPLICITLY put that it was a draft. And some of these people using it haven't been putting the attribution that I created it or the Creative Commons license that I have it licensed under.

Note:

You MAY USE that flag.

IT IS *JUST* a DRAFT. It is NOT the "official" one yet, nor is it the final version. It needs to be cleaned up. (As soon as I can get Photoshop, I'll make the final version.)

You MUST give attribution (to me) AND copy the Creative Commons license (the Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported version) ANYTIME you use it OR any derivatives you create on it (icons, buttons, whatever).

Thank you.

I flew from EWR (Newark) to YTZ (Toronto Downtown Airport) on December 13, 2010. They had the millimeter wave scanners and were requiring almost everyone to go through them. Before I went to the airport, I had decided that if I was asked to use one of the new scanners, I would opt out, as was my right, due to both health and safety concerns as well as my desire to have complete control of any naked pictures taken of me, as is my right. This is my story doing such.

Note that this is simply MY story. I'm not stating that anyone else's story is inaccurate. I'm just giving people more data so that they could be informed. I also realize I'm writing this part of this almost 10 days later and the other part more than a month later. I intentionally made sure I was paying attention to my experiences when they were happening, I went over my experiences in the plane, and I already told this entire story to my partner on the day of my flight so that I wouldn't forget any of the details. I'm confident I'm remembering everything accurately.

( The Story Inside )

I'm putting my story out there because there's so little data on people's experiences and that I found no information on what's actually supposed to happen on an enhanced pat-down and I found no non-horror story experience pat-down stories, so I had no idea what to expect, which is why I was very afraid going into it. Hopefully this allows you to make better decisions on whether or not you wish to fly and whether or not you wish to opt-out of the machines, knowing what the enhanced pat-down is supposed to be like.

I'd also like to throw this out there. I am a fat woman, and you might have noted in my story when I said there were parts she didn't touch or check, namely between my thighs (which were not completely and fully spread) and up underneath my breasts. I was not carrying anything illegal on my body, but some other fat person with folds or hanging breasts or very heavy thighs easily could hide things under their folds and get away with it, if everyone's pat-down was as this one was. I understand the need for appropriate pat-downs and I'm not suggesting they take a more aggressive pat-down stance, however, I am pointing out the ways in which their techniques are flawed and the process is merely security theater.

I keep ovo-lacto vegetarian 1x a week (usually Monday) to take part in Meatfree Mondays. (Meatfree instead of meatless because we're not LESS meat, we're not missing the meat, we're FREE of the meat! We've been liberated! :-D) I started about a year ago and have only missed a week or 2 (make it 3 if you count the times I said "fuck it, I'm doing pescetarian instead"). I've been surprised how easy it's been, but it hasn't always been completely easy.

I haven't done it because of animal rights (I'm ok with eating animals, but not a fan of the mass farming practices... the farms where I grew up all raised their animals humanely [it never really occurred to me that there was any OTHER way to raise cows than to let them out to pasture and to bring them into their nice cozy-but-not-too-small stalls when it's cold or rainy], as well as my dad hunted and fished [always stressing to do it in a way that creates as little distress and suffering for the animal as possible] to supplement what we bought from the store) but more for sustainable reasons (it's far more environmentally friendly to raise plants than animals… there's more harmful gas caused by cow farts than by the entire food shipping industry, not to mention the amount of acreage it takes to raise animals could raise way more food if it was growing plants for humans to eat) as well as the excuse to eat tasty, tasty (hopefully healthy, but not always) vegetarian and/or vegan food 1x a week. I've found that I eat less meat on my omnivore days now as well, as I've realized that eating meat doesn't have to be a default... I only have to eat it on the days I'm hungry for it. And about half the time, I'm not hungry for beef, chicken, pork, fish, seafood, fowl, venison, lamb, goat, or veal. (And, yes, I enjoy all of those at some point or another. Mmm…goat curry.) So I eat vegetarian. I've also realized that there's a whole wealth of delicious vegetarian recipes & cooking (including all sorts of interesting vegetables, fruits and grains) available that omnivores never see or eat. (When was the last time you've seen a recipe with both meat and quinoa?)

However, I'm still not quite good at figuring out how to make sure I'm getting enough protein & other nutrients on my vegetarian days. If I don't eat meat enough days in a row, I always find myself craving it for a few days. I need to figure out how to make sure I'm still getting the vitamins and nutrients I need on the days my protein is coming from non-meat sources. (Fortified soymilk seems to help. Mmm… soymilk.) Also, what's up with the vegetarian options on restaurant menus often times being superhealthy? Not everyone who's eating vegetarian wants the "diet" option... sometimes you want fries with that veggie burger. Also, not all meatless burgers are created equal. I know a place that has a nut-based burger that's AMAZING with blue cheese on it. Also, Lick's Nature Burgers are great.

It's also been interesting keeping a food-based discipline. I've had Monday meals in environments that weren't set up for vegetarians (I just passed on the bacon at breakfast, even though it looked terribly tasty), I've had Monday meals at other people's houses (some asked me ahead of time if I had special dietary needs and accommodated my Monday vegetarianism, others did not [I had to make my own bean salad at my parents' house... oh well]) I've had Monday meals at a funeral wake (you'd be surprised what people sneak meat into), I've had Monday meals on an airplane (I think the vegetarian option I got was better than the meat option), I've had Thanksgiving on a Monday (Canadian Thanksgiving is always on a Monday) & made a vegetarian feast, complete with a stuffed Tofurky with the best gravy I've ever had. It's been an interesting journey.

Bring a bundt cake! I hope the day when we get to meet people from other worlds is within my lifetime! I greatly look forward to it! (I also hope the day when robots are at the point that they become people is within my lifetime too. I'll bring a digital bundt cake on that day.)

So I'm going to start cross-posting my long Formspring.me answers here so people can comment on them.

Sidepocket & rob_t_firefly asked my take on Christmas.

So I love holidays in general. My life has always been enriched and comforted by ritual, and there's much, much ritual that surrounds Christmas. And it's a holiday that, better or for worse, the entirety of Western culture seems to get behind or get into.

( Keep on readin'! )

So yes. Christmas. FUCK YEAH CHRISTMAS.

Well, I don't know if it's the most recent, and it's one that I go back and forth on, but it's the thought that most people suck and are genuinely stupid. Most people don't suck, they're not out to get me, and they're of average intelligence (which can seem stupid when you're brighter than others). That everyone's focusing on their own life so much that they really don't give a shit about me, so the world isn't a hostile place where everyone's looking to fuck me over.

What caused my perspective to change? Honestly? My sweetie, morningboon. He's been working on this in me for a while now. And when it's working, god, my life feels so much better, so much freer.

So looking around online, I saw no one who had the information on how and where to install custom sprays for TF2 on the Mac. So I decided to figure it out for myself and post the information in hopes that others looking to do this will find out how the easy way.

NOTE! All the tutorials I've seen on MAKING sprays for TF2 require a Windows-based program. I saw someone who had a plugin for Photoshop but I don't know if it's Mac compatible.

http://tf2sprays.com/how-to-install-sprays/ & http://www.fpsbanana.com/tuts/4488 has a good tutorial on creation and/or installation for the PC. But the location is different on the Mac.

So... there's 2 different ways to do this that I've figured out so far. 1 works ONLY if you also have a VMT file with your VTF file. The other works if you have VTF files alone. (NOTE! I tried an animated one with the VTF only import and it only sprayed black. I don't know if it was a problem with that file or the import process.)

IF YOU HAVE A VMT AND A VTF FILE...

1.) Place the VTF & the VMT file in...
Macintosh HD > Users > [USERNAME] > Documents > Steam Content > [STEAMUSERNAME] > team fortress > tf > materials > vgui > logos

2.) Copy the VMT also in
Macintosh HD > Users > [USERNAME] > Documents > Steam Content > [STEAMUSERNAME] > team fortress > tf > materials > vgui > logos > ui
(You may have to create the UI folder yourself.)

Then you'll need to go into TF2, select Options, Multiplayer, and then Select Image. It should be in the menu. If that doesn't work, try the below method.

IF YOU ONLY HAVE A VTF FILE..

You'll import it using the import interface in TF2.

1.) Place the VTF file in a folder that the import interface can see. For some reason, it shows some folders but not others and I haven't figured out the pattern yet. HOWEVER, if you put it in Macintosh HD > Users > [USERNAME] > Documents, I've found it can see it.

2.) Go into TF2, select Options, Multiplayer, and then Import Spray. Go back to the Documents directory and select your VTF file.

(Note that it also says you can use TGA (Targa) files, JPGs and others. I tried some TGAs and it gave me an error message. I'm not sure if the others work, though.)

I hope this helps! If you have found other ways and/or better ways that you've actually tried and that works FOR OS X, feel free to comment below. If I find better ways, I'll update this.

I made beef stew for the first time. I made it in my crock pot and I used a packet of beef stew seasoning mix, a third of an old roast (top round? I think that's what it was called) that had been in my freezer forever (the roast was over 3 pounds, so I'm guessing I used about a pound and a little more of beef), 3 sticks of celery, 3 smaller carrots, 2 medium potatoes & a pint glass full of water.

I never liked beef stew much in the past, at least not homemade. I always liked Dinty Moore, though, and the image on the beef stew seasoning packet looked good & it was cheap and I knew I had some beef in my freezer and I was already buying carrots and celery for a vegetarian shepherd's pie that I'm making off of the vegan shepherd's pie recipe in book 2 of the Scott Pilgrim series (yes, a recipe in a graphic novel. Why not?) and I had some potatoes going bad at home that needed to be eaten up so I figured that making beef stew made sense.

The recipe on the side of the seasoning packet required pre-browning the meat in flour and a bunch of other steps and then it would cook in about 2.5 hours on the stove. I didn't want it done that fast as I wanted to make it in my crock pot/slow cooker so I got out the "Fix It And Forget It" slow cooker cookbook my parents got me for Christmas one year when I told them how much I loved my crock pot (which also happened to be another Christmas present from them. Well, my dad. It was literally $3 on sale before Christmas one year at Wal-Mart. Dad bought it for me, saying "trust me, you'll use it". He was right. :-) ) and I looked up recipes for beef stew. Those recipes basically stated throwing everything together, stirring it up, and letting it cook for a good long time. So that's what I did.

It cooked well in my crock pot, and I crumbled up some leftover paska that I had made the week before to thicken it when I put the stew in a bowl (also because it was homemade bread it was starting to get moldy so I couldn't cut off a slice, I had to take non-moldy hunks of bread). When I tasted it, it didn't taste as good as the seasoning had smelled the night before, and it just tasted like the beef stew I had had in the past... not very much to my taste.

So as I'm sitting and eating it, I remember how the vegan shepherd's pie recipe mentions adding red wine as it makes every taste "awesome" (and, as the book states, "the other option is drinking the red wine"), and I remembered how Mema makes her roast beef with red wine and onion soup mix and how much I love her roast beef. So I thought "I'm out of red wine, but maybe I could put onion soup mix in the stew and I'll like it more!" So I took some onion soup mix and put it in my bowl of stew, just to see if it would work. It was fantastic and I ate it right up. So I put the rest of the packet in the stew. Let's see how it is later. It might require some more soup mix... I'm not sure.

So that's my adventure in making beef stew. I tweeted about my adventures making paska (Eastern European Easter bread... very dense, very yeasty [2 separate risings], and just slightly sweet). I'll write about my adventure in making vegetarian shepherd's pie when I do it on Monday. (Monday's are Meat Free Monday now for me... doing my part to help fight climate change [there's more bad gases given off in the meat industry from the animals than there are in the entire food shipping industry] and to eat healthier and to have an excuse to eat tasty, tasty vegetarian food... I've been doing it for about 3 months now and I've only ate meat on 2 Mondays so I've been doing good! )

I dreamed last night about having to teach sexuality at my old church back home, in the church itself (and not the attached school, which was strange). I can remember being announced as today's speaker in the series on sexuality they were having and being a bit late to get down the church's aisles. I got up there, in front of the altar, and dropped my notes and mixed in with them were other pieces of paper to the effect that I couldn't find my notes in the end and explained to the crowd that I was just going to have to wing it. I remember trying to come up with on the spot things I could teach about sexuality that wouldn't be too shocking, but, moreover, things that wouldn't be against the Vatican's teachings. I think one of our priests was watching from the side, but I expressly remember my mother sitting in the back pew. I was happy, on the one hand, that Mom was FINALLY going to be able to hear me speak and watch me do the thing I do best and the thing I love, but was nervous on the other hand about how she'd handle the content I was teaching.

A war inside of me happened over exactly how much I should stray into territory that was against church teachings. I mentioned things like kinky sex in the context of way to spice up marriage and that there was nothing in the Bible that said it was wrong to do between a married couple that loved each other and were expressing their love and their bond. They seemed to take that reasonably ok (although I could tell they were a bit shocked), so I finally decided to take a risk and I mentioned that, whereas sexuality is about procreation, that it's also about pleasure, and that that pleasure was very healthy for us. I then mentioned that I know the church is against it, but that I felt that masturbation was ok and healthy. At that point, a murmur rose up in the crowd and many people started getting up and leaving. I had to regain control of my crowd by yelling "wait a minute! I didn't say you HAD to masturbate! Sit down!" and they did. I don't remember what happened next. It might have ended.

So... yeah. Weird dream. Having to be put on the spot (the lost notes... not that I hadn't know about the class) to teach sexuality inoffensively to a bunch of Catholics, yet also feeling the need to teach them the truth about sexuality and not gloss over stuff like sexuality for pleasure (I don't know why I didn't go from the angle of "God created pleasure, He wants us to feel it. He knows it's healthy for us and a great way of relieving stress.") or masturbation... yeah.

I'm pretty sure I know why I dreamed I was doing it in the church itself. I called Mom up yesterday to let her know I wasn't going to Toronto today and I asked her if I could come home for the Easter Triduum, as I hadn't been home for it for a long time. I was imagining images of my church on Holy Thursday and how beautiful the altar area is dressed up for Easter Sunday mass and how much I always liked that.

I started writing about my dreams of Easter past but I'll share those in another post.

Dear LORD, I am so tired of fetish-negativity. Seeing people state in their groups that fetishism towards their group will not be allowed... on a website named FETLife (short for Fetish Life) just makes my head go asplody. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

So what you're basically saying is that "your kink is ok, so long as your kink doesn't happen to be for me". I TOTALLY understand your desire to be taken seriously as a human being. I TOTALLY understand that you're sick of people who treat you like a piece of meat. And you're right in those things. But fetishist DOES NOT have to equal "someone who only likes people for their fetish" or "someone who treats you like a piece of meat".

You know what it honestly sounds to me like? It sounds to me like people with fetishes haven't quite gotten to the same space of evolution as the BDSM community has (or at least says they have, but that's another rant). In the BDSM world, we've basically set up the unspoken rule that you treat a person as a person, unless you've previously negotiated that out of the way. But the fetish communities I've been aren't at that point yet. They're still at the "omg, you mean there's others like me out here?!?" stage and haven't quite gotten to the "you know, I think we need to set up some standards and rules" stage yet. As a member of a fetish group, I'm only all too painfully aware of this. And I'm honestly not sure what needs to happen to get the fetish groups there.

So to those people who don't want to be someone's fetish, I ask of you... why are your kinks ok but theirs aren't? And is it REALLY the fetish they have that isn't ok, or is it the way they treat you that isn't ok? And have you ever really taken the time to stop and separate the 2? Have you ever considered that they might be separate things? Have you ever considered that not everyone with a fetish treats the people who fulfill that desire as only a piece of meat?

Feel free to spread this around if you're as sick of the fetish-negativity on a site called FETLife as I am. I want this to get out to the right people, but not sure how to do it.

No, really, I haven't gone right wing on you all here. I swear. Let me explain.

So, as I know it, the DSM only considers paraphilias (kinks & fetishes) to be harmful under the context of causes distress in everyday life [and that needs to be distress from actual interference, not just a society that doesn't get it] or involves non-consenting parties (pedophilia, frotteurism, etc.). Some people have paraphilias that really are mental disorders for them... it really DOES screw with their lives. (And, of course, having therapy to get rid of these paraphilias doesn't work, just like trying to do reparative therapy to remove YOUR perfectly ok fetish won't work. The best you can do is keep the harmful fetishes under control.) But most people have fetishes and kinks that don't apply under that criteria, and therefore are perfectly ok. And that's the reason I won't sign the NCSF's petition on removing paraphilias from the DSM. (BTW, to those not in the know, the NCSF is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. The best way I can describe them to my hacker friends is that they're the sex/kink/poly equivalent of the EFF. [And to my sex friends, the EFF, or the Electronic Frontier Foundation, is the NCSF of online and digital rights & freedoms.]) The NCSF's heart is totally in the right place, don't get me wrong here, but they don't realize the specifics of it, and how it would cause harm. People with paraphilias that have actually taken over their lives need help getting their lives back. To not be able to do that anymore would cause more harm than good. (See: my previous post and "no diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no insurance coverage") (Also, removing paraphilias from the DSM would mean that predatory paraphilias would end up being removed as well, and I know that's not what the NCSF had in mind. Granted, I don't know all the details of their petition, but I hope it at least includes a part that would keep things like pedophilia in there.)

However... if I have my knowledge of what's in the DSM wrong and it really does consider them ALL to be mental illness or harmful, then the definition needs to be updated or changed, but NOT removed.

I encourage others to do research themselves and to decide for themselves. And if they decide as I have, I encourage them to contact the NCSF and let them know why they're against it. And if it turns out that the DSM needs to be changed, I encourage people to contact the NCSF and ask them to change the main focus of their cause drive to CHANGING the DSM diagnosis instead of removing it completely.

I know this sounds totally bass-ackwards coming from my mouth, but I'm totally cool with GID being in the DSM and with people being (properly) diagnosed with it.

Before you all start yelling at me saying how being gender-different isn't a disorder, it's just the way we are, let me say... I AGREE WITH YOU. As someone who was born with girlie parts, who was assigned the gender female, but is genderfluid, I know better than most that sometimes I'm a girl, sometimes I'm a boy, and mostly I'm just me, which is more boy than girl.

Then why do I want it in the DSM? Why do I want people to be diagnosed with it?

Because lots of us need therapy dealing with our genders (NOT to change us, but to help us navigate them, and to help us navigate a society that sucks re: our genders), and plenty of people who are FtM and MtF would like to have hormones and/or surgery.

But you know what? INSURANCES WON'T COVER THESE THINGS W/O A DIAGNOSIS. No diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no appropriate treatment. No therapy. No hormones. No surgery. As someone who's gone through years of therapy, and often times have had to deal with BS diagnoses on paper just so I could get the therapy I desperately needed, I understand this more than most. (Not to mention being someone whose Mom worked as an office manager and did all the billing and insurance company work in a large psychiatric practice for many many years.)

So before trying to get rid of GID, how about changing the insurance system so that trans issues are covered? Because right now, I know lots of folks are fighting for trans stuff to be covered at all.

Or, of course, there's always the other option. The controversial one that I'm not supposed to talk about. (But I'm going to anyway, even though I'm terrified I'm going to lose some of my friends.) Which is the option that maybe it is a disorder... BUT THAT'S OK. There's this prevalent thought that if you have a disease or a disorder, that it's BAD and that it must be removed, or at least managed and the person pitied.

As a person who's had to live with a disorder all hir life, and who's been diagnosed with one since age 8, I've TOTALLY fought with the whole self-esteem + acceptance of what I have thing. I've totally gone "if what I am is ok, if there's 'nothing wrong with me', how come there's clearly something wrong with me? " Fuck, I STILL struggle with this. (Ask morningboon about the freaking out, screaming and crying.)You may say left, right and center that being ADHD is ok, or even that there's "no such thing; rather, a society that's not set up for you", but it NEVER changes the fact that I still have my symptoms, and I STILL struggle with everyday tasks. And when you're in the middle of breaking down because you can't do something stupid and simple, it's hard to remember that you are still an ok person.

I think the problem is we equate "ok person" with "normal"... STILL. Despite our acceptance of diversity, we still want to see that diversity as "normal". Which I understand. But I also realize that some things AREN'T normal, and what's fucking wrong with that? Why is it that not normal is judged as bad, and normal is judged as good? Why can't we say "I'm abnormal, and I'm good." and "I'm not normal, and I'm ok."? Normal doesn't mean good or even ok. Think of it more like "average" or "standard deviation". (Would that be sigma 0 or sigma 1? That is, what's the top of the bell curve called? I forget.)

With transgender/GID, the truth is, external gender DOESN'T match internal gender. And so some corrections need to be made. AND WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IS THE EXTERNAL GENDER, *NOT* WHAT'S INSIDE. Saying that "nothing's wrong" and "we're fully normal" is screwing ourselves over. There IS something wrong, and many transpeople know it. Their outsides don't match their insides. But that being wrong DOESN'T mean it's BAD. And it doesn't mean we need to fix the insides to match the outsides. Society has tried that, and it doesn't work. (Not to mention in our world we find it a lot more distasteful to try to change someone's personality than their bodies... or have we? [Therapy does seem to be more acceptable than body mods.]) We've found that matching the outsides to the insides works a hell of a lot better, so it's what we do. We don't do "reparative therapy", we play with hormones and clothing and surgery to correct what Nature got wrong, or however you choose to put it.

So, yeah, maybe trans IS a disorder. I mean, it's clear the outsides don't match the insides. But the disordered part is the OUTSIDE, not the inside.

And for those who feel that they don't want it to be called a disorder because of the shame associated with disorders... what about me and my ADHD? And my depression? And my Seasonal Affective Disorder? If I have to live with at least 2 mental disorders and learn to be ok with myself despite that horrible word, perhaps you can learn to be ok with yourself despite that diagnosis. How is it fair to me? By you saying that you need to get rid of the word "disorder" in the term, you're saying that there's something wrong with having a disorder. Which implies that there's something wrong with me having ADHD, SAD, and whatever other Ds, which brings us back around to "if there's nothing wrong with me, why is there something wrong with me?". Nowhere in the word "disorder" is there a word that means "bad". There are parts that mean "lack of order". (And, once again, we assign the value judgement "good" to "order", and let me tell you... as a naturally disordered ADHD person [I can't keep anything tidy, chaos feels better to me than too much order], I get real fucking sick of that value judgement.)

And for those whom the diagnosis doesn't actually help, who are just gender-variant but don't require any kind of physical correction, because they're ok with their bodies, because they're just tomboys or femmeguys, I'm sorry you got misdiagnosed.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or simply no-ho, no-op, but still feel like the body is wrong, then good on you for choosing (or having to live with) the body you have.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or no-ho, no-op but are ok with the bodies they have, then good on you for being ok with your body.

I guess in the end I'm saying that if we're going to keep GID as a diagnosis, then the problem isn't having GID as a diagnosis, but the problem is the way it was treated in the past. Remember, diagnoses don't necessarily have to be thrown out... you can just change the treatment.

EDIT: The more I'm learning about the specifics of GID, the more I'm learning how it can be used to screw gender-variant kids over. I think the diagnosis as it lays would be more helpful to be used for adults only. And the whole part of (paraphrased) "causes distress in the home or workplace", whereas that's standard criteria for other disorders, and works well for them (which is why I do actually support paraphilias being in the DSM... but that's another post I'm going to post momentarily), can't really be an accurate assessor when you're talking about a behavior that's considered (wrongly) socially unacceptable. It's society that's fucked up here, not the person.

Questions? Comments (hopefully not too hateful)? Lemme at them!

Absolutely not. Not one little bit. (Life is too short to count calories. Live hard, die young, and leave a pretty corpse behind.)

So I'm flying to Boston tomorrow morning and I'll be there through Wednesday. If you live in Boston and you want to meet up, drop me a line.

So apparently I missed Invisible Illness Awareness week, but I thought I'd put this up here anyway. I have invisible disabilities instead of invisible illness, but I thought it was still appropriate. And hopefully helpful to you understanding me more. (If you already knew all of this, let me know. If there was anything that you DIDN'T know that was like "woah!", let me know that too. It's always helpful to know what people do and don't know so that when I'm telling people about it, I know what to talk about.)

(And why the icon? Because I feel like it! And because, honestly, it feels really AWESOME! to be creating awareness around these issues.)

1. The illness I live with is: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. I also live with chronic depression. I suspect I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I'm not sure if I was ever formally diagnosed with it. Also, whatever undiagnosed mental disorder I have that makes me freak out, panic, or have depression so bad that I get self-abuse desires (physical and emotional). It may just be part of one of the other ones.
( The other 29 are inside... please keep reading, ok? )

So you might have seen the My Guests feature thing. I wish it would let you choose separately if you are anonymous vs. if your guests are anonymous, but since it doesn't, I'm giving you the choice.

Poll #1439512 My Guests - Anonymous or Not?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 16

Should logged in LJ-users to my site be recorded or stay anonymous?

In a week, I'll tally it up and change my blog accordingly. (Personally? I'm leaning towards anonymous. I know how people can be about privacy.)

And, really, I'm surprised no one's bitched at LJ about this yet. Everyone should have the right to choose for themselves whether or not they lurk anonymously.

I'm in Toronto now, for those who are curious. With my mom this time. So if you want to reach me, email really is the best way, followed by calling my Toronto cell phone.

Holy FUCK, this is so me. (And yes, I copied over the tooltip. The girl they're talking about, with the balls? Check out this one: http://xkcd.org/150/)



Am I the only one who has noticed that we ALL think that way, yet no one's talking about it? I mean some of us talk about it with our friends, but for a phenomenon that's as universal as that, you'd think that it would be all over mainstream media, right up there with the first kiss and losin' your sweetie. (Apparently somewhere it was decided that it's not acceptable to talk about, or at very least, no one wants to lose face. Fuck that noise, I say.)

So apparently some of my friends are confused as to where I'm living these days, as they told a mutual friend that I'm living in Canada, like for good. I'm not angry or accusatory right now, I'm just trying to set the record straight here so that people understand and when mutual friends ask them what's going on with me, they'll be able to tell correct information to them.

No, I'm not living in Canada for good. At least not yet. That may be further down the road... and further than we both initially thought a few months (even weeks!) ago. I'm quite a bit intimidated by customs and immigration and the process even for getting a work visa or a student visa. (Not to mention I don't think I'm at a point where I could attend school successfully.) Suffice it to say, though, that my future over the next year to 18 months is up in the air. Next six months though, we're pretty sure on.

I still have my place in Takoma Park. My rats (2 now... Annie died a few months ago. She was sick, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. Emma has a large growth on her butt... it's probably just a benign mammary tumor [it's common in females, esp. when they get older], but I'm getting it checked out next week. Emma's still eating and acting perfectly normal for her, though. Margaret/Maggie is same old, same old. ) and my fish (still 3 of them... Moby, Pinky & The Brain) are still there. My housemate is kind enough to take care of them while I'm gone.

I have been splitting my time between Toronto and DC, though. I spent all of June there, and I'm going to be spending all of August there as well. Mom + I are going to be driving up on the 3rd of August, after she drops Daddy off at National to visit his nephew and his family (and go fishing!) in Alaska.

After that? Well, I might be spending some of September there. October's up in the air, but I'd like to be able to be there for Canadian Thanksgiving, which is in October. That being said, I want more for morningboon to come down to DC for BR '09 which is over Halloween. So we're really trying to work this out. So if you want to meet him, it'll be then. I'd like him to be here for American Thanksgiving, but that might be really hard, as he doesn't get those days off work. (Stupid holidays not intersecting.) Christmas? I have a very vague idea of going up there to spend it with him, possibly even visiting his Dad's place in Nova Scotia, but that's very vague, and I'm not sure how crazy he is about the idea of going back there for Christmas. He hasn't been back since he left there X number of years ago.

I'm definitely going to spend at least a month there this coming winter, if not a few consecutive months. I know, you think I'm crazy. Why would I want to spend winter some place worse than here, when I already have seasonal affective disorder and I already hate winters here? Well, because I need to see if I can HANDLE the winter there. Because if I can't, we seriously have to think about my moving up there on a more permanent basis. Or figure something out that lets me winter over in the States.

So that's what my future looks like for now.

(x-posted from FetLife, sans a quote someone wrote on there that I haven't gotten permission to x-post)

Sometimes the calling to be a sexual educator can be REAL frustrating.

For example...

If I have to tell kinksters/BDSMers/Leatherfolk ONE MORE FUCKING TIME that there's nothing wrong with having fetishes, and there's nothing wrong with BEING someone's fetish, so long as at the end of the day, the person fetishizing you treats you as a person, as a human being, and not just a hunk of meat... well... if I have to say this one more god damned time, I swear, my head will asplode.

So you know what? I'm going to say it again. And the next time someone pulls the "I hate it when people see my ___________ as a fetish. I want to be seen as a whole person, not just for ___________" or the "________ chasers creep me out", I'm going to point them in this direction.

I think the problem is fetishists have a tendency to get so wrapped around their fetish (which, btw, is part of what MAKES it a fetish and not just a predilection) that they forget there's a person inside. I think in the end, all these people that don't want to be someone's fetish... they really don't care if they're someone's fetish. They just want to be treated and thought of as a person, as a human being, and quite rightfully so.

So... yeah. Ethical fetishists, or people who sit down and think critically about their sexuality, or perhaps one might like the phrase "feminist fetishists" better, remember that the person is indeed a person first and treats them as such. It's the OTHER fetishists that give us a bad rap.

'Cause, if so, I'm going to have to do some SERIOUS rethinking about my thoughts on humanity and the way I approach people at large. (And, yes, I copied over the tooltip text as well.)

So my Boston trip seems to be turning into a New England tour. I have a group in Albany that possibly wants me and a group in Hartford that might want me. (And, yes, finmagik, if I'm in Albany, I'd love for you to come and see me. Unfortunately, I won't have a car, so I can't come to you.)

If they all decide to go for it, it'll be tricky to work them all out, but I'm gonna try.

So I'm taking my brain dump and I'm making it friends only, as quite a bit of what I wrote about were things concerning OTHER people and I didn't exactly get permission from all of them to post them. But they were all things I saw and they were all things I want to write about in my diary. So I'm making them friends only. If you want on this list to read my core dump, and you're not already seeing it, let me know. If you want your name (which is currently your fetlife name or the name you were presenting under) changed to your LJ name, that's perfectly fine (I'll do it eventually for the people whose LJs I know). If you want your name turned into just initials, that's fine too.

To the kinksters out there, this entry is also x-posted into my FetLife journal, so you don't have to ask to be added... just check it out on FetLife!

I'm working out the details to present on Robots, Dollies and Mind Control (a.k.a. "The winterroseasfr Class") in Boston in mid-September. If you or your group want me to present for you as well while I'm there, go check out http://c4bl3fl4m3.googlepages.com/aboutc4bl3fl4m3 and see what you want me to present and drop me a line! Getting a travel stipend from you would mean that I wouldn't have to beg for crash space on someone's couch.

This will be an awesome thing to put on my sexual educator resume/CV. (When is it a CV and not a resume? I'm not sure.)

That being said... BOSTON! SQUEE! I've always wanted to visit there! And there's good deals on travel to there from both Toronto using Porter (SQUEE! MOAR PORTER!) or from BWI using Southwest. So perhaps this will be the end of my August Toronto trip?

Also, anyone know anyone in Boston I can crash with? (Radical Faeries, Hackers, Sex-Positive Folk, whatever.) Or, at very least, anyone know of any hella cheap hostels or the like?

Back in DC. Talking to winterroseasfr on the phone. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better ex. We're still really good friends and we still really enjoy each other's company. He was even looking forward to seeing me at Dragon*Con, which I'm not going to be attending now. (Perhaps I can talk him into going to BR?) I asked him if I could just come down and visit sometime, and he said that would be cool. So perhaps I have to haul my ass down his way again. Or perhaps I can convince him to come to Toronto, although I doubt that'll happen.

I'm in NYC now. If you want to hang, call my cell or email me. Or you could just comment here.

The suckage is having to leave morningboon. Which was obvious suckage.

The awesome, however, is flying Porter Airlines. No hassles, a 2 min. ferry ride, VERY friendly staff, no waiting, a large lounge with complimentary beverages and snacks and a great coffee machine, free wifi, and even some Macs set up around with free Internet... and they're not set up special to block you out of using programs and stuff. In fact, I'm looking out at the airstrip now, writing at you on a Mac. All in all, I feel pampered... glad to be here instead of having to suffer the indignities of air travel along with my mourning of leaving morningboon.

I'm heading to Newark (EWR), and then heading to TESFest. Apparently I'm speaking on a panel of sex bloggers. I don't think of myself as a sex blogger, but I do write about sex, BDSM and gender in my diary here. (I'm realizing I haven't written about it in a while. I'm going to have to remedy that.) And it's technically a blog. I'm actually kinda excited about my volunteer shifts. I'm doing the panel, I'm taking care of the People of Size Swim, and I'm DMing for 4 hours.

I'm lucky that I'm going to a con after leaving morningboon. It's a lot better than me just going home to be alone and lonely. I'm going to spend days with my friends, doing something I love, and that's good.

So yes... I'll see you all at TESFest. If you see me, say hi! Hugs and snuggles are always good too.

Tonight's the Trans Pride March. Here's the sign I'm carrying.



And, yes, the rainbow part was done in glitter. :-D

Taken yesterday near the salon in the Village. It's PRIDE! :-D (I'm going to make this pic into my new default icon)




This morning, after shower and styling. I've always wanted to be able to do my hair this way! (That and I love the smell of Goth Juice hair gel and I wanted to be able to use it in my hair.)

I did it. I finally went out and cut my hair off. I blame morningboon for making me follow through with it. (It was scary. I like the cut, and it suits me, but I don't know if I like it FOR me. Except I hate the back.) I'm looking forward to streaking it red and fauxhawking it and spiking it. I got it cut in the Gay Village (Church & Wellesley) at a place called Ho's. Yeah, I know. I was getting it done and the gay boy next to me started talking about getting a Pride haircut and I told him how I was getting something dykey because I was tired of people thinking I was straight and he was like "Oh, yeah, LOTS of people get Pride haircuts."

Pics below.









I kept freaking out tonight seeing my reflection. I'm also worried that I cut off the only pretty part of me.

How does one convert when one's own spirituality already embraces multiple faiths? I know, sounds like a sneaky answer, but it's true. To anyone who's read my journal for a long time, you know that I have a habit of learning about religion, taking what works for me, and doing it. You also know I have a habit of not BELIEVING anything or having any kind of FAITH, but rather worshipping because it feels good and right to me. Much the same reason I have sex or do BDSM. (Although I think I actually have more beliefs and faith in sex than in religion. Go figure.)

But those who've been reading for a while know that I wasn't raised that way... I was raised Roman Catholic. 9 years of Catholic school (K-8), 4 more years of church every Sunday in high school, and always being active in the Church, including 9 years of altar serving. How/why did I convert then? Well, I began to realize that I only believed because it was what I was taught to believe. When I started to really think about it on my own, I realized... no, I actually DON'T believe in these teachings. I believed that Jesus, who some call the Christ, if he existed at all, was a good man who did some pretty cool things and had some amazing teachings. But do I believe that he's my Lord and Savior? No, not really. Do I believe I need a Savior for my immortal soul? No. Do I even believe in a Soul? Uncertain, leaning towards no.

For a while, I tried really hard to be a hard Agnostic. No spirituality, no church, no rituals, nothing like that. And it sucked. I was empty, I was lonely. Then again, it also was a very difficult time in my life. But after a while, the Mass called me back, for the beauty and the familiarity, not for the content. And I met miscreeds and I learned more about his faith, Judaism. And I realized that it called to me too. And so I started incorporating teachings and rituals from other faiths into my life. And through following that path, as the years went by, I learned more and more about other faiths (because learning about religion is fascinating), and it brought me to where I am now. An eclectic who believes in little, but feels much. I'm actually at a point where I'm curious about Islam (yes, it's due to watching Little Mosque on the Prairie).

Hmm... I like that. "An eclectic who believes in little, but feels much." It's much shorter than my formal title, which is "Agnostic Spiritual Humanist with Unitarian Universalist and liberal Jewish leanings who also derives spirituality from the Roman Catholic mass and Pagan ritual".

I made poutine. Nom nom nom. (Possibly the best bad-for-you food in the world.)



And, yes, those are real cheddar cheese curds. One of the advantages to living in Canada is that you can actually GET them at your local supermarket.

AND ZOMG I'M EATING IT AND THE CURDS ARE *SQUEAKING!* YAY! IT'S *REAL*! (Well, ok, if I want REAL, I'm going to have to not buy "poutine sauce" and rather go to Quebéc and get some from a street vendor. But STILL. I was told squeaking curds are the sign of "real" poutine.)

I didn't quite get the proportions right. Too much gravy and cheese, not enough fries. And I didn't make the gravy hot enough to melt the cheese. But that's ok. Something to work towards next time.

I know I can't be the only one who had this problem, and asking the (admittedly cute) chick at the Apple store at the Eaton Centre didn't help (her answer was wrong), so here's how to get at YOUR iTunes account when you're visiting a different country.

So I'm an American and I use my AOL account to access the iTunes store. But when I'm on my boyfriend's computer up in Canada, it doesn't give me the option to use my AOL account, namely because it's showing me the Canadian iTunes Store. So I just can't buy, right? No, I also can't DL album covers and do other things like use Genius. Well, here's how I get it to let me use my AOL account to sign it... I force it to use the US iTunes Store.

1.) Click iTunes Store
2.) Click Sign In
3.) Click "Create New Account" or whatever.
4.) When it gives you the iTunes agreement, there's a link that says something like "if your bank account is not Canadian [or whatever country you're in], click here". Click that link.
5.) It then gives you a drop down list where you choose a country. Because my iTunes/AOL account is American, I choose US.
6.) It then loads the US iTunes Store. Click "Sign In" again.
7.) Sign in to your account.

Let me know if this works (or doesn't work) for you for countries different from the US and Canada, ok?

I just watched an episode of Voyager about ancestors and family stories and the like. Whereas I'm skeptical about "many of the records from the 20th and 21st centuries are lost", I do realize the importance of putting down our families' stories for posterity. Through my studies of Colonial American history via my mom, grandparents and Colonial Williamsburg, I know there's much we don't know about life in the 18th century because people never thought to put down the mundane details, because, well, they're mundane. So I thought perhaps it's important to put things down about my family here, for the record. I'm already working on getting our genealogy, our family tree up on Ancestry.com (which is why I'm bringing the Family History book to Canada with me... lots of time to work on it), and Ancestry CAN hold stories and pictures, but I thought here, I can share it with people who know me, as well as give some perspective to this journal.

( About My Parents )

I know that was a lot to read, but I hope it was informative. And I hope it gives you a better view of who I am as well.

It's raining right now, but it's soothing to me instead of depressing me. The sound of the water from the rain dripping out of the gutters and into the maintenance area outside my bedroom window, the occasional flash of lightning or the crash of not-too-close-but-not-too-distant thunder... it's quite nice, really. (BTW, note the mood on the post. Isn't that a nice mood to feel?)

I just watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager (The Disease, to be exact) that dealt with new love and loss as a co-plot. The way that Harry Kim and Derran Tal felt about each other... I see a lot of morningboon and I in that. The episode made me feel lovesick, but in a nice way. I have to admit, I put our last names with Starfleet ranks... they sound good that way. I gave him Lieutenant, I took Ensign for myself. I bet he'd look absolutely dashing in a jumpsuit. I haven't decided whether to give him red, yellow, or blue green. I suppose yellow would be fitting, but I think I'd be a blue green.

I leave for Toronto on Sunday. Still so much to do, but I'm more worried about spending so much time up there. I had my last DO Happy Hour before I go tonight. Luckily, T. and A. were there. I love those 2 so much and I hadn't gotten to see them since before I left for the last time. I'm going to miss my friends terribly. I hope I make some new friends up in the Great (Not So) White North soon.