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Dear LORD, I am so tired of fetish-negativity. Seeing people state in their groups that fetishism towards their group will not be allowed... on a website named FETLife (short for Fetish Life) just makes my head go asplody. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

So what you're basically saying is that "your kink is ok, so long as your kink doesn't happen to be for me". I TOTALLY understand your desire to be taken seriously as a human being. I TOTALLY understand that you're sick of people who treat you like a piece of meat. And you're right in those things. But fetishist DOES NOT have to equal "someone who only likes people for their fetish" or "someone who treats you like a piece of meat".

You know what it honestly sounds to me like? It sounds to me like people with fetishes haven't quite gotten to the same space of evolution as the BDSM community has (or at least says they have, but that's another rant). In the BDSM world, we've basically set up the unspoken rule that you treat a person as a person, unless you've previously negotiated that out of the way. But the fetish communities I've been aren't at that point yet. They're still at the "omg, you mean there's others like me out here?!?" stage and haven't quite gotten to the "you know, I think we need to set up some standards and rules" stage yet. As a member of a fetish group, I'm only all too painfully aware of this. And I'm honestly not sure what needs to happen to get the fetish groups there.

So to those people who don't want to be someone's fetish, I ask of you... why are your kinks ok but theirs aren't? And is it REALLY the fetish they have that isn't ok, or is it the way they treat you that isn't ok? And have you ever really taken the time to stop and separate the 2? Have you ever considered that they might be separate things? Have you ever considered that not everyone with a fetish treats the people who fulfill that desire as only a piece of meat?

Feel free to spread this around if you're as sick of the fetish-negativity on a site called FETLife as I am. I want this to get out to the right people, but not sure how to do it.

No, really, I haven't gone right wing on you all here. I swear. Let me explain.

So, as I know it, the DSM only considers paraphilias (kinks & fetishes) to be harmful under the context of causes distress in everyday life [and that needs to be distress from actual interference, not just a society that doesn't get it] or involves non-consenting parties (pedophilia, frotteurism, etc.). Some people have paraphilias that really are mental disorders for them... it really DOES screw with their lives. (And, of course, having therapy to get rid of these paraphilias doesn't work, just like trying to do reparative therapy to remove YOUR perfectly ok fetish won't work. The best you can do is keep the harmful fetishes under control.) But most people have fetishes and kinks that don't apply under that criteria, and therefore are perfectly ok. And that's the reason I won't sign the NCSF's petition on removing paraphilias from the DSM. (BTW, to those not in the know, the NCSF is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. The best way I can describe them to my hacker friends is that they're the sex/kink/poly equivalent of the EFF. [And to my sex friends, the EFF, or the Electronic Frontier Foundation, is the NCSF of online and digital rights & freedoms.]) The NCSF's heart is totally in the right place, don't get me wrong here, but they don't realize the specifics of it, and how it would cause harm. People with paraphilias that have actually taken over their lives need help getting their lives back. To not be able to do that anymore would cause more harm than good. (See: my previous post and "no diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no insurance coverage") (Also, removing paraphilias from the DSM would mean that predatory paraphilias would end up being removed as well, and I know that's not what the NCSF had in mind. Granted, I don't know all the details of their petition, but I hope it at least includes a part that would keep things like pedophilia in there.)

However... if I have my knowledge of what's in the DSM wrong and it really does consider them ALL to be mental illness or harmful, then the definition needs to be updated or changed, but NOT removed.

I encourage others to do research themselves and to decide for themselves. And if they decide as I have, I encourage them to contact the NCSF and let them know why they're against it. And if it turns out that the DSM needs to be changed, I encourage people to contact the NCSF and ask them to change the main focus of their cause drive to CHANGING the DSM diagnosis instead of removing it completely.

I know this sounds totally bass-ackwards coming from my mouth, but I'm totally cool with GID being in the DSM and with people being (properly) diagnosed with it.

Before you all start yelling at me saying how being gender-different isn't a disorder, it's just the way we are, let me say... I AGREE WITH YOU. As someone who was born with girlie parts, who was assigned the gender female, but is genderfluid, I know better than most that sometimes I'm a girl, sometimes I'm a boy, and mostly I'm just me, which is more boy than girl.

Then why do I want it in the DSM? Why do I want people to be diagnosed with it?

Because lots of us need therapy dealing with our genders (NOT to change us, but to help us navigate them, and to help us navigate a society that sucks re: our genders), and plenty of people who are FtM and MtF would like to have hormones and/or surgery.

But you know what? INSURANCES WON'T COVER THESE THINGS W/O A DIAGNOSIS. No diagnosis = no diagnosis code = no appropriate treatment. No therapy. No hormones. No surgery. As someone who's gone through years of therapy, and often times have had to deal with BS diagnoses on paper just so I could get the therapy I desperately needed, I understand this more than most. (Not to mention being someone whose Mom worked as an office manager and did all the billing and insurance company work in a large psychiatric practice for many many years.)

So before trying to get rid of GID, how about changing the insurance system so that trans issues are covered? Because right now, I know lots of folks are fighting for trans stuff to be covered at all.

Or, of course, there's always the other option. The controversial one that I'm not supposed to talk about. (But I'm going to anyway, even though I'm terrified I'm going to lose some of my friends.) Which is the option that maybe it is a disorder... BUT THAT'S OK. There's this prevalent thought that if you have a disease or a disorder, that it's BAD and that it must be removed, or at least managed and the person pitied.

As a person who's had to live with a disorder all hir life, and who's been diagnosed with one since age 8, I've TOTALLY fought with the whole self-esteem + acceptance of what I have thing. I've totally gone "if what I am is ok, if there's 'nothing wrong with me', how come there's clearly something wrong with me? " Fuck, I STILL struggle with this. (Ask morningboon about the freaking out, screaming and crying.)You may say left, right and center that being ADHD is ok, or even that there's "no such thing; rather, a society that's not set up for you", but it NEVER changes the fact that I still have my symptoms, and I STILL struggle with everyday tasks. And when you're in the middle of breaking down because you can't do something stupid and simple, it's hard to remember that you are still an ok person.

I think the problem is we equate "ok person" with "normal"... STILL. Despite our acceptance of diversity, we still want to see that diversity as "normal". Which I understand. But I also realize that some things AREN'T normal, and what's fucking wrong with that? Why is it that not normal is judged as bad, and normal is judged as good? Why can't we say "I'm abnormal, and I'm good." and "I'm not normal, and I'm ok."? Normal doesn't mean good or even ok. Think of it more like "average" or "standard deviation". (Would that be sigma 0 or sigma 1? That is, what's the top of the bell curve called? I forget.)

With transgender/GID, the truth is, external gender DOESN'T match internal gender. And so some corrections need to be made. AND WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IS THE EXTERNAL GENDER, *NOT* WHAT'S INSIDE. Saying that "nothing's wrong" and "we're fully normal" is screwing ourselves over. There IS something wrong, and many transpeople know it. Their outsides don't match their insides. But that being wrong DOESN'T mean it's BAD. And it doesn't mean we need to fix the insides to match the outsides. Society has tried that, and it doesn't work. (Not to mention in our world we find it a lot more distasteful to try to change someone's personality than their bodies... or have we? [Therapy does seem to be more acceptable than body mods.]) We've found that matching the outsides to the insides works a hell of a lot better, so it's what we do. We don't do "reparative therapy", we play with hormones and clothing and surgery to correct what Nature got wrong, or however you choose to put it.

So, yeah, maybe trans IS a disorder. I mean, it's clear the outsides don't match the insides. But the disordered part is the OUTSIDE, not the inside.

And for those who feel that they don't want it to be called a disorder because of the shame associated with disorders... what about me and my ADHD? And my depression? And my Seasonal Affective Disorder? If I have to live with at least 2 mental disorders and learn to be ok with myself despite that horrible word, perhaps you can learn to be ok with yourself despite that diagnosis. How is it fair to me? By you saying that you need to get rid of the word "disorder" in the term, you're saying that there's something wrong with having a disorder. Which implies that there's something wrong with me having ADHD, SAD, and whatever other Ds, which brings us back around to "if there's nothing wrong with me, why is there something wrong with me?". Nowhere in the word "disorder" is there a word that means "bad". There are parts that mean "lack of order". (And, once again, we assign the value judgement "good" to "order", and let me tell you... as a naturally disordered ADHD person [I can't keep anything tidy, chaos feels better to me than too much order], I get real fucking sick of that value judgement.)

And for those whom the diagnosis doesn't actually help, who are just gender-variant but don't require any kind of physical correction, because they're ok with their bodies, because they're just tomboys or femmeguys, I'm sorry you got misdiagnosed.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or simply no-ho, no-op, but still feel like the body is wrong, then good on you for choosing (or having to live with) the body you have.

And for those who are genderqueer or genderfluid or no-ho, no-op but are ok with the bodies they have, then good on you for being ok with your body.

I guess in the end I'm saying that if we're going to keep GID as a diagnosis, then the problem isn't having GID as a diagnosis, but the problem is the way it was treated in the past. Remember, diagnoses don't necessarily have to be thrown out... you can just change the treatment.

EDIT: The more I'm learning about the specifics of GID, the more I'm learning how it can be used to screw gender-variant kids over. I think the diagnosis as it lays would be more helpful to be used for adults only. And the whole part of (paraphrased) "causes distress in the home or workplace", whereas that's standard criteria for other disorders, and works well for them (which is why I do actually support paraphilias being in the DSM... but that's another post I'm going to post momentarily), can't really be an accurate assessor when you're talking about a behavior that's considered (wrongly) socially unacceptable. It's society that's fucked up here, not the person.

Questions? Comments (hopefully not too hateful)? Lemme at them!

Absolutely not. Not one little bit. (Life is too short to count calories. Live hard, die young, and leave a pretty corpse behind.)

So I'm flying to Boston tomorrow morning and I'll be there through Wednesday. If you live in Boston and you want to meet up, drop me a line.

So apparently I missed Invisible Illness Awareness week, but I thought I'd put this up here anyway. I have invisible disabilities instead of invisible illness, but I thought it was still appropriate. And hopefully helpful to you understanding me more. (If you already knew all of this, let me know. If there was anything that you DIDN'T know that was like "woah!", let me know that too. It's always helpful to know what people do and don't know so that when I'm telling people about it, I know what to talk about.)

(And why the icon? Because I feel like it! And because, honestly, it feels really AWESOME! to be creating awareness around these issues.)

1. The illness I live with is: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. I also live with chronic depression. I suspect I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I'm not sure if I was ever formally diagnosed with it. Also, whatever undiagnosed mental disorder I have that makes me freak out, panic, or have depression so bad that I get self-abuse desires (physical and emotional). It may just be part of one of the other ones.
( The other 29 are inside... please keep reading, ok? )

So you might have seen the My Guests feature thing. I wish it would let you choose separately if you are anonymous vs. if your guests are anonymous, but since it doesn't, I'm giving you the choice.

Poll #1439512 My Guests - Anonymous or Not?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14

Should logged in LJ-users to my site be recorded or stay anonymous?

In a week, I'll tally it up and change my blog accordingly. (Personally? I'm leaning towards anonymous. I know how people can be about privacy.)

And, really, I'm surprised no one's bitched at LJ about this yet. Everyone should have the right to choose for themselves whether or not they lurk anonymously.

I'm in Toronto now, for those who are curious. With my mom this time. So if you want to reach me, email really is the best way, followed by calling my Toronto cell phone.

Holy FUCK, this is so me. (And yes, I copied over the tooltip. The girl they're talking about, with the balls? Check out this one: http://xkcd.org/150/)



Am I the only one who has noticed that we ALL think that way, yet no one's talking about it? I mean some of us talk about it with our friends, but for a phenomenon that's as universal as that, you'd think that it would be all over mainstream media, right up there with the first kiss and losin' your sweetie. (Apparently somewhere it was decided that it's not acceptable to talk about, or at very least, no one wants to lose face. Fuck that noise, I say.)

So apparently some of my friends are confused as to where I'm living these days, as they told a mutual friend that I'm living in Canada, like for good. I'm not angry or accusatory right now, I'm just trying to set the record straight here so that people understand and when mutual friends ask them what's going on with me, they'll be able to tell correct information to them.

No, I'm not living in Canada for good. At least not yet. That may be further down the road... and further than we both initially thought a few months (even weeks!) ago. I'm quite a bit intimidated by customs and immigration and the process even for getting a work visa or a student visa. (Not to mention I don't think I'm at a point where I could attend school successfully.) Suffice it to say, though, that my future over the next year to 18 months is up in the air. Next six months though, we're pretty sure on.

I still have my place in Takoma Park. My rats (2 now... Annie died a few months ago. She was sick, so I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. Emma has a large growth on her butt... it's probably just a benign mammary tumor [it's common in females, esp. when they get older], but I'm getting it checked out next week. Emma's still eating and acting perfectly normal for her, though. Margaret/Maggie is same old, same old. ) and my fish (still 3 of them... Moby, Pinky & The Brain) are still there. My housemate is kind enough to take care of them while I'm gone.

I have been splitting my time between Toronto and DC, though. I spent all of June there, and I'm going to be spending all of August there as well. Mom + I are going to be driving up on the 3rd of August, after she drops Daddy off at National to visit his nephew and his family (and go fishing!) in Alaska.

After that? Well, I might be spending some of September there. October's up in the air, but I'd like to be able to be there for Canadian Thanksgiving, which is in October. That being said, I want more for morningboon to come down to DC for BR '09 which is over Halloween. So we're really trying to work this out. So if you want to meet him, it'll be then. I'd like him to be here for American Thanksgiving, but that might be really hard, as he doesn't get those days off work. (Stupid holidays not intersecting.) Christmas? I have a very vague idea of going up there to spend it with him, possibly even visiting his Dad's place in Nova Scotia, but that's very vague, and I'm not sure how crazy he is about the idea of going back there for Christmas. He hasn't been back since he left there X number of years ago.

I'm definitely going to spend at least a month there this coming winter, if not a few consecutive months. I know, you think I'm crazy. Why would I want to spend winter some place worse than here, when I already have seasonal affective disorder and I already hate winters here? Well, because I need to see if I can HANDLE the winter there. Because if I can't, we seriously have to think about my moving up there on a more permanent basis. Or figure something out that lets me winter over in the States.

So that's what my future looks like for now.

(x-posted from FetLife, sans a quote someone wrote on there that I haven't gotten permission to x-post)

Sometimes the calling to be a sexual educator can be REAL frustrating.

For example...

If I have to tell kinksters/BDSMers/Leatherfolk ONE MORE FUCKING TIME that there's nothing wrong with having fetishes, and there's nothing wrong with BEING someone's fetish, so long as at the end of the day, the person fetishizing you treats you as a person, as a human being, and not just a hunk of meat... well... if I have to say this one more god damned time, I swear, my head will asplode.

So you know what? I'm going to say it again. And the next time someone pulls the "I hate it when people see my ___________ as a fetish. I want to be seen as a whole person, not just for ___________" or the "________ chasers creep me out", I'm going to point them in this direction.

I think the problem is fetishists have a tendency to get so wrapped around their fetish (which, btw, is part of what MAKES it a fetish and not just a predilection) that they forget there's a person inside. I think in the end, all these people that don't want to be someone's fetish... they really don't care if they're someone's fetish. They just want to be treated and thought of as a person, as a human being, and quite rightfully so.

So... yeah. Ethical fetishists, or people who sit down and think critically about their sexuality, or perhaps one might like the phrase "feminist fetishists" better, remember that the person is indeed a person first and treats them as such. It's the OTHER fetishists that give us a bad rap.

'Cause, if so, I'm going to have to do some SERIOUS rethinking about my thoughts on humanity and the way I approach people at large. (And, yes, I copied over the tooltip text as well.)

So my Boston trip seems to be turning into a New England tour. I have a group in Albany that possibly wants me and a group in Hartford that might want me. (And, yes, finmagik, if I'm in Albany, I'd love for you to come and see me. Unfortunately, I won't have a car, so I can't come to you.)

If they all decide to go for it, it'll be tricky to work them all out, but I'm gonna try.

So I'm taking my brain dump and I'm making it friends only, as quite a bit of what I wrote about were things concerning OTHER people and I didn't exactly get permission from all of them to post them. But they were all things I saw and they were all things I want to write about in my diary. So I'm making them friends only. If you want on this list to read my core dump, and you're not already seeing it, let me know. If you want your name (which is currently your fetlife name or the name you were presenting under) changed to your LJ name, that's perfectly fine (I'll do it eventually for the people whose LJs I know). If you want your name turned into just initials, that's fine too.

To the kinksters out there, this entry is also x-posted into my FetLife journal, so you don't have to ask to be added... just check it out on FetLife!

I'm working out the details to present on Robots, Dollies and Mind Control (a.k.a. "The winterroseasfr Class") in Boston in mid-September. If you or your group want me to present for you as well while I'm there, go check out http://c4bl3fl4m3.googlepages.com/aboutc4bl3fl4m3 and see what you want me to present and drop me a line! Getting a travel stipend from you would mean that I wouldn't have to beg for crash space on someone's couch.

This will be an awesome thing to put on my sexual educator resume/CV. (When is it a CV and not a resume? I'm not sure.)

That being said... BOSTON! SQUEE! I've always wanted to visit there! And there's good deals on travel to there from both Toronto using Porter (SQUEE! MOAR PORTER!) or from BWI using Southwest. So perhaps this will be the end of my August Toronto trip?

Also, anyone know anyone in Boston I can crash with? (Radical Faeries, Hackers, Sex-Positive Folk, whatever.) Or, at very least, anyone know of any hella cheap hostels or the like?

Back in DC. Talking to winterroseasfr on the phone. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better ex. We're still really good friends and we still really enjoy each other's company. He was even looking forward to seeing me at Dragon*Con, which I'm not going to be attending now. (Perhaps I can talk him into going to BR?) I asked him if I could just come down and visit sometime, and he said that would be cool. So perhaps I have to haul my ass down his way again. Or perhaps I can convince him to come to Toronto, although I doubt that'll happen.

I'm in NYC now. If you want to hang, call my cell or email me. Or you could just comment here.

The suckage is having to leave morningboon. Which was obvious suckage.

The awesome, however, is flying Porter Airlines. No hassles, a 2 min. ferry ride, VERY friendly staff, no waiting, a large lounge with complimentary beverages and snacks and a great coffee machine, free wifi, and even some Macs set up around with free Internet... and they're not set up special to block you out of using programs and stuff. In fact, I'm looking out at the airstrip now, writing at you on a Mac. All in all, I feel pampered... glad to be here instead of having to suffer the indignities of air travel along with my mourning of leaving morningboon.

I'm heading to Newark (EWR), and then heading to TESFest. Apparently I'm speaking on a panel of sex bloggers. I don't think of myself as a sex blogger, but I do write about sex, BDSM and gender in my diary here. (I'm realizing I haven't written about it in a while. I'm going to have to remedy that.) And it's technically a blog. I'm actually kinda excited about my volunteer shifts. I'm doing the panel, I'm taking care of the People of Size Swim, and I'm DMing for 4 hours.

I'm lucky that I'm going to a con after leaving morningboon. It's a lot better than me just going home to be alone and lonely. I'm going to spend days with my friends, doing something I love, and that's good.

So yes... I'll see you all at TESFest. If you see me, say hi! Hugs and snuggles are always good too.

Tonight's the Trans Pride March. Here's the sign I'm carrying.



And, yes, the rainbow part was done in glitter. :-D

Taken yesterday near the salon in the Village. It's PRIDE! :-D (I'm going to make this pic into my new default icon)




This morning, after shower and styling. I've always wanted to be able to do my hair this way! (That and I love the smell of Goth Juice hair gel and I wanted to be able to use it in my hair.)

I did it. I finally went out and cut my hair off. I blame morningboon for making me follow through with it. (It was scary. I like the cut, and it suits me, but I don't know if I like it FOR me. Except I hate the back.) I'm looking forward to streaking it red and fauxhawking it and spiking it. I got it cut in the Gay Village (Church & Wellesley) at a place called Ho's. Yeah, I know. I was getting it done and the gay boy next to me started talking about getting a Pride haircut and I told him how I was getting something dykey because I was tired of people thinking I was straight and he was like "Oh, yeah, LOTS of people get Pride haircuts."

Pics below.









I kept freaking out tonight seeing my reflection. I'm also worried that I cut off the only pretty part of me.

How does one convert when one's own spirituality already embraces multiple faiths? I know, sounds like a sneaky answer, but it's true. To anyone who's read my journal for a long time, you know that I have a habit of learning about religion, taking what works for me, and doing it. You also know I have a habit of not BELIEVING anything or having any kind of FAITH, but rather worshipping because it feels good and right to me. Much the same reason I have sex or do BDSM. (Although I think I actually have more beliefs and faith in sex than in religion. Go figure.)

But those who've been reading for a while know that I wasn't raised that way... I was raised Roman Catholic. 9 years of Catholic school (K-8), 4 more years of church every Sunday in high school, and always being active in the Church, including 9 years of altar serving. How/why did I convert then? Well, I began to realize that I only believed because it was what I was taught to believe. When I started to really think about it on my own, I realized... no, I actually DON'T believe in these teachings. I believed that Jesus, who some call the Christ, if he existed at all, was a good man who did some pretty cool things and had some amazing teachings. But do I believe that he's my Lord and Savior? No, not really. Do I believe I need a Savior for my immortal soul? No. Do I even believe in a Soul? Uncertain, leaning towards no.

For a while, I tried really hard to be a hard Agnostic. No spirituality, no church, no rituals, nothing like that. And it sucked. I was empty, I was lonely. Then again, it also was a very difficult time in my life. But after a while, the Mass called me back, for the beauty and the familiarity, not for the content. And I met miscreeds and I learned more about his faith, Judaism. And I realized that it called to me too. And so I started incorporating teachings and rituals from other faiths into my life. And through following that path, as the years went by, I learned more and more about other faiths (because learning about religion is fascinating), and it brought me to where I am now. An eclectic who believes in little, but feels much. I'm actually at a point where I'm curious about Islam (yes, it's due to watching Little Mosque on the Prairie).

Hmm... I like that. "An eclectic who believes in little, but feels much." It's much shorter than my formal title, which is "Agnostic Spiritual Humanist with Unitarian Universalist and liberal Jewish leanings who also derives spirituality from the Roman Catholic mass and Pagan ritual".

I made poutine. Nom nom nom. (Possibly the best bad-for-you food in the world.)



And, yes, those are real cheddar cheese curds. One of the advantages to living in Canada is that you can actually GET them at your local supermarket.

AND ZOMG I'M EATING IT AND THE CURDS ARE *SQUEAKING!* YAY! IT'S *REAL*! (Well, ok, if I want REAL, I'm going to have to not buy "poutine sauce" and rather go to Quebéc and get some from a street vendor. But STILL. I was told squeaking curds are the sign of "real" poutine.)

I didn't quite get the proportions right. Too much gravy and cheese, not enough fries. And I didn't make the gravy hot enough to melt the cheese. But that's ok. Something to work towards next time.

I know I can't be the only one who had this problem, and asking the (admittedly cute) chick at the Apple store at the Eaton Centre didn't help (her answer was wrong), so here's how to get at YOUR iTunes account when you're visiting a different country.

So I'm an American and I use my AOL account to access the iTunes store. But when I'm on my boyfriend's computer up in Canada, it doesn't give me the option to use my AOL account, namely because it's showing me the Canadian iTunes Store. So I just can't buy, right? No, I also can't DL album covers and do other things like use Genius. Well, here's how I get it to let me use my AOL account to sign it... I force it to use the US iTunes Store.

1.) Click iTunes Store
2.) Click Sign In
3.) Click "Create New Account" or whatever.
4.) When it gives you the iTunes agreement, there's a link that says something like "if your bank account is not Canadian [or whatever country you're in], click here". Click that link.
5.) It then gives you a drop down list where you choose a country. Because my iTunes/AOL account is American, I choose US.
6.) It then loads the US iTunes Store. Click "Sign In" again.
7.) Sign in to your account.

Let me know if this works (or doesn't work) for you for countries different from the US and Canada, ok?

I just watched an episode of Voyager about ancestors and family stories and the like. Whereas I'm skeptical about "many of the records from the 20th and 21st centuries are lost", I do realize the importance of putting down our families' stories for posterity. Through my studies of Colonial American history via my mom, grandparents and Colonial Williamsburg, I know there's much we don't know about life in the 18th century because people never thought to put down the mundane details, because, well, they're mundane. So I thought perhaps it's important to put things down about my family here, for the record. I'm already working on getting our genealogy, our family tree up on Ancestry.com (which is why I'm bringing the Family History book to Canada with me... lots of time to work on it), and Ancestry CAN hold stories and pictures, but I thought here, I can share it with people who know me, as well as give some perspective to this journal.

( About My Parents )

I know that was a lot to read, but I hope it was informative. And I hope it gives you a better view of who I am as well.

It's raining right now, but it's soothing to me instead of depressing me. The sound of the water from the rain dripping out of the gutters and into the maintenance area outside my bedroom window, the occasional flash of lightning or the crash of not-too-close-but-not-too-distant thunder... it's quite nice, really. (BTW, note the mood on the post. Isn't that a nice mood to feel?)

I just watched an episode of Star Trek: Voyager (The Disease, to be exact) that dealt with new love and loss as a co-plot. The way that Harry Kim and Derran Tal felt about each other... I see a lot of morningboon and I in that. The episode made me feel lovesick, but in a nice way. I have to admit, I put our last names with Starfleet ranks... they sound good that way. I gave him Lieutenant, I took Ensign for myself. I bet he'd look absolutely dashing in a jumpsuit. I haven't decided whether to give him red, yellow, or blue green. I suppose yellow would be fitting, but I think I'd be a blue green.

I leave for Toronto on Sunday. Still so much to do, but I'm more worried about spending so much time up there. I had my last DO Happy Hour before I go tonight. Luckily, T. and A. were there. I love those 2 so much and I hadn't gotten to see them since before I left for the last time. I'm going to miss my friends terribly. I hope I make some new friends up in the Great (Not So) White North soon.

Well, not so much an experiment, but a declaration.

I've finally figured out the trick to making tuna melts that taste like my parents' (or, I suppose, like tuna melts at all).

You wanna know the trick?

THE TEMPERATURE OF THE PAN.

I've basically learned that, no, you shouldn't just always crank everything up to high. High will not make it cook any faster. Well, it DOES, but that's the problem. It cooks too quickly. The outside burns and the inside never gets heated.

So, yes. When making tuna melts, turn the heat/gas onto medium. Melt your butter in the pan. Assemble the sandwich. Fry the one side, while putting the butter on the other side. Flip (that's kinda tricky too. Doing it quickly is the trick.) and wait for the other side to cook.

So yes. Now I can successfully make a tuna melt. If you'd like the recipe sometime, I'll put it down.

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/05/01/et-tu-pooh.html

In other notes, I am going home on Monday. :-(

Went to the DevianToronto munch, BENT tonight, maybe Kinkalicious next weekend (I'd LOVE to go to all the workshops... esp. the Midori ones... I've always wanted to take one of her classes)... lots going on in the Scene up here. Now all they need is a dedicated club. (Poor folks have to keep looking for a home.)

Yay for Kink in Toronto! (I need to make a kinky Toronto icon. :-) )

And now the cherry blossoms are blooming here in Toronto.

I'm going with morningboon to see them, as I would have done a month ago in DC if he was here at that time.

morningboon + me at the Spacing release party last week. Picture taken by the awesome Rannie Turrigan. (Click on the pic for the Flickr page for it where you can get various sizes of it.)

I look out the living room window over the trees in Rosedale, on Sherbourne Avenue, and I notice that today, a number of them have green leaves on them. None of them had them yesterday. There was one tree in yellow yesterday, but now we've got yellow and green and still some bare ones.

w00t! Spring!

Oh, and the tulips are in full bloom here now. These couple of days between 60 and 80 degrees have really helped.

Spring seems to come between 4-6 weeks later here than it does in DC.

Remind me to blog about what I've been up to. In short, WoW (Noblegarden is the suckiest holiday I've done on there so far), Corner Gas, Honest Ed's, subspace (the party), needles, subspace (the headspace), grocery shopping (including late night browsing at Metro), cuddling and dancing and just good times chilling to swing music in Christie Pits Park at an impromptu memorial service to Frankie Manning put on by local swing dancers, Mass at Our Lady of Lourdes, Little Mosque on the Prairie, birdies, copious amounts of double doubles, snuggling, the library, way too much good food, and lots of making out. Oh, and Spadina Bus and Romantic Traffic.

And, yes, that was the short version. :-)

I really miss my friends. :-(

Tonight there will be drinking and meeting up with yaksman. But now, writing in my journal in an attempt to pull myself out of my funk. (You know it's bad when I'd rather clean and tidy and sort than go outside. Srlsy.)

I'm going to put on some clothes and go wandering. I think I want to get to know Yonge better. Know it as a coherent street instead of just X thing is at X random place on Yonge. I'm thinking wandering up to Bloor, getting a double double (ah, what the hell, go caf this time), wandering west over to Yonge and then going south from there.

I really should blog more often. Blame the twits for getting me into Twitter moar.

Oh, and I love morningboon. Just thought I should throw that out there. Yeah.

Went to IKEA at Sheppard and Leslie (NEAT station art there!), rode random streetcars, had Indianfoodplex, explored a bit of the PATH, had Korean BBQ again, did late night Pizza Pizza after drinking (apparently not the one that the King of Spain works at, because it was crap as usual), partied at the Spacing.ca's Toronto Newest Issue Release party. Got to meet the mayor of Toronto there. Seriously. Awesome guy, great mayor. He seems to actually care about his constituents and about making his city great. (I'm not too crazy about his positions on guns, but hey, you can't win them all. And there are more important issues, like housing and transit.) And he Twitters as @MayorMiller.

But yeah, met lots of urban and transit hipsters at the party, got much kudos for my downtown TTC lines sweatshirt. Finally got the Spacing TTC station buttons. Didn't spend enough time geeking out over transit with others, but I got to dance to good and extremely varied music (from Little Lulu's "To Sir With Love" to Outkast's "Hey Ya") with morningboon, drink Canadian beer (didn't really like Molson's Canadian, but this supposed IPA [I've never tasted an IPA with that few hops before] from Nova Scotia was drinkable in that cheap, blue collar piss beer way), and make some new friends (waves at the lovely, same sex male, half-Canadian half-American couple we met last night) and met some of Boon's old friends (waves at his Science Communicator friend as well... she was awesome).

I know I've done more than this, but I can't remember it right now. Depression is kicking my ass pretty hard.

So much to do today to get ready for Toronto. Files to put on my HD (anyone know what to dump from the iTunes directory so that I can put it on another Mac and trick it into thinking it's my iTunes at home? 1.) I want my music but moreover 2.) I want the abiilty to sync my iPod Touch. I was just going to put the whole thing on there.), dishes to dorat cages to clean (wow, with the kind of litter I'm using now and the ShopVac, it turned from a 15 min serious ordeal into less than 5 minutes and EASY AS FUCK), laundry to wash, suitcases to repack with clean clothes and my speakers from the bathroom (can't live w/o them, I figured out when I was up there before. NEED MY MUSIC IN THE SHOWER.) and tasty treats from the US (yay Grandma Utz Potato Chips! I may love Canada, but they don't know how to do chips up there, sorry.). I'm waiting for my meds to kick in so I can get it started. I can feel it starting to, but I'll give it another couple of minutes just to make sure.

UPDATE: ZOMG I forgot how I felt on a full "work" dose of my meds. HOLY FUCKING CRAP. I can FOCUS. I become FUNCTIONAL. I totally forgot what functional was like... I didn't realize how bad I was until I took 12.5 mgs. HOLY CRAP. WOW. Just... yeah.

I guess this means I need to find an anti-depressant that works with my meds.

I can not get over how awesome this is. I'm all hyped up like a chihuahua when its owners come home from vacation.

Ok, let me tell you the story behind why this is even more awesome than it seems. A few weeks ago when I was in Toronto, morningboon & I, in our crazy NRE for the city, were coming up with a Boom De Ya Da about the city herself. You can be damn sure that "I love the Red Rocket" was in there. We were singing it and working on it while taking the subway.

And then, today, I get an IM from morningboon: YOU ARE PICKING UP MY ABILITY TO REMAKE THE WORLD: http://improvintoronto.com/2009/04/04/subway-sing-along/

Yes, that's right, people in Toronto singing a subway related Boom De Ya Da. Did they hear us singing and decide to run with it? Did great minds think alike and they came up with it independently? We may never know, but here's the awesome.

I seem to be drawn towards not just sexual education, but an outbranching of that... creating community. It's not enough to inform people about their options when it comes to sexuality. Sexuality alone is wonderful, but sexuality together is even better. It's important to create spaces where individuals with something in common can gather and create their communities. Where they can know they're not alone, where they can flirt, debate, ask questions, and make announcements.

It is because of this that I seem to be drawn to making FetLife groups. Occasionally, I find a space in the community where we're seemingly lacking a group for a niche. When this happens, unlike many people, I'm careful to making sure there's not a group already in existence. When I determine there's not, I go ahead and create the group. This is why I've made groups as diverse as Technosexuality, Fat Admirers, and even a group for the town and surroundings of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

I know the importance of community. The people in it benefit from it immensely. They make friends and lovers that can last a lifetime. But I also know the debatably even more important role that community can play. Its role in society at large. The more open and visible a community is, the more it helps those who are the target of the community, but are not part of it for whatever reason. Time and time again, there are example after example of people who are different for whatever reason who feel like they're the only one. It happens to geeks. It happens to queers. It happens to kinksters. And then they find a community for them. Perhaps it's online. Perhaps it's the Gay-Straight Alliance at school. Perhaps it's TNG. But whatever it may be, they're suddenly no longer alone. And maybe they're not ready to make that big step of coming out to others. They may not be ready to post on a forum, or go to a meeting or a munch. But in even SEEING that there's others like them out there, they know they're not alone. They're not a total freak of nature. It can help them get over the shame, it can help build their self-esteem.

morningboon is just at the point of coming out in the Kink community at age 33. I only imagine how his life might have been different had he known about the kink community in any of the other towns and cities he lived in. Because they're there. And even if he never would have participated in them, at least he would have known he wasn't alone. He would have known where he could go to for support.

Our communities are far more important than we realize. People who dismiss them as just places to cruise and shoot the shit don't realize how much just simply their being OUT there and accessible gives back to the world around them.

And THAT'S why I create community.

God, I've missed the Crucible.

God, I've missed my friends.

morningboon + me MUST get a vacuum bed.

Must get wax again. And give to Boon.

Giving needles to newbies brave enough to get them RULES.

HOORAY FOR YES, AND! I think this is MY new approach to the Scene as well.

Must get Midnght talking to Boon. So that Midnght and I can play and so that Boon can learn from him. (God, Midnght is HOT. WANT TO FUCK.)

IHOP after the Crucible rules.

Always bring your keys with you. Especially if you think you're not going to need them.

Thank SPADINA I accidentally forgot to lock the back door today when I was oot and aboot ootside.

Canadians rule, but I had many moments tonight where being an American was where it's at. There's something to be said for being loud, rude and rowdy. And having a good ol' fashioned good time.

But now it's 4 am and I miss my lover. I wish I would have gotten laid. And the only thing that was missing from the Crucible (other than food) was morningboon's presence. And for me, that was sorely missed.

Oh, and cuddling is ALWAYS good. Same for hair pulling and being at someone's feet. *le sigh*

I apologize to the people I actually fooled in my last post. I wanted to make it blatantly "not me" enough that you wouldn't actually fool with it. However, the well wishes I received are still sweet and wonderful and I'll still apply them to the relationship I DO have. :-)

The tips offs are...

Tim Hortons with justices of the peace at 4 am? I wish. That would be pretty awesome.

Eloping? I may be in love, but I'm not stupid. It's too soon for that kind of commitment. I mean, hell, I'm still trying not to freak at having an ACTUAL boyfriend.

Monogamy? RIIIIGHT. The whole "who needs anyone else?" part especially. It's unhealthy to try to have one person in your life fulfill all your needs.

Starting a family? Oh dear god, no. I really don't want kids, and if I ever change that, they won't be from my loins. I won't be responsible for passing on bad genes.

And to those who have slept with me, you know I hate cunnilingus at the worst and vaguely enjoy a few seconds of it at best.


So, yes, I'm still in DC. I'm still presenting at Frolicon. And I'm still going up there mid-April.

God, I'm so tired, but I just had to tell you all the good news.

So last night, after talking to morningboon on Skype, we realized we couldn't hold out any longer.

I threw some clothes in a bag, got myself over to National Airport, and flew up to Toronto.

Where I was met at the airport by a blue coated Boon, who swept me into his arms, kissed me, and took me to the bus.

Wherein via the Red Rocket, we proceeded to a special 24 hour Tim Hortons... and eloped at 4 am. Yeah, I bet you Americans didn't know that 24 hour Tim Hortons in Toronto all have Justices of the Peace, but it's true! It's the one place in Toronto you can get married in the middle of the night.

That's right, folks. We tied the knot, and got free double doubles and donuts. :-) Pictures are forthcoming.

And since I figured it was going so well, I promised myself to him and him alone for life. That's right, we're monogamous! No more random play with strangers for me! Who needs other people, when I have everything I could ever need right here.

We're trying to decide whether we want to start a family today or tomorrow. Thoughts?

Probably tomorrow. We're exhausted from all the cunnilingus.

Dreams about escaping Nazi internment camps via hard core social engineering... yeaaah. I guess this is what happens when, late at night, I talk about where I grew up and what it was like for me there and leaving and coming back and then leaving again.

Still. *2* "escape from Nazi place" dreams in one night? Yeah.

At least the guy in the first one made it out. At least it looked like I was making it out in the 2nd one.

So my case manager calls me. After getting a letter saying I need to get recertified this month AND after getting a letter saying, no, we're upping your benefits.

He, a guy whose social skills are hella low (god, *I* have better social skills than this? How did you get your job?), said "if you're getting benefits more than 3 months, you have to come in for a work program. I'm not sure why your old case manager didn't do this for you." Well, maybe because she was too ill to be competent? Yeah, that'll do it. (I almost wish I had her back.)

So I learned my options (half like pulling teeth) and I think my best one for right now is spend all the money I have on my card (probably between $300 and $400) and let them drop for a few months and then get recertified and worry about the work program later. 'Cause my life is just too busy to deal with this right now.

Yes, my mom'll be pissed. Oh fucking well. (Besides, everything else is falling apart, why not add this to the list?)

GOD DAMN IT I NEED A DOUBLE DOUBLE (DECAF. AND, OH, WHAT THE HELL, MAKE IT AN XL.) AND A DONUT (CANADIAN MAPLE. AND WHAT THE FUCK, GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE CHERRY CHOCOLATE DELIGHT ONES) BAD. GIVE ME MY TIM HORTONS!

TAKE ME BACK TO CANADA! (This has been my motto the past week. Especially when I see Americans being stupid Americans. Well, at least it got laughs out of miscreeds and rob_t_firefly.)

(See, THIS is how the Canadian gov't convinces people to come back to Canada. They're in cahoots with Tim Hortons. It's a vast right wing left wing Canuckistani conspiracy! You try the coffee and the donuts and that's it, the cravings are so bad, you're forced to return. So THAT'S the secret of their tourism bureau!)

(And, yes, I'm sorry I'm rambling about Canada so much. I wouldn't blame you if you ignored my LJ for a while. Someone needs to take me away from the Inters, shove my ass outside or something.)

Aww man! The duty free allowances for bringing alcohol into Canada suck!

There goes trying to get around the LCBO's 2 to 3x the American price markup/"sin tax". (A bottle of Boone's Farm Sangria was like $6 and change Canadian. This is just wrong. [And any comments about how drinking Boone's Farm is just wrong will be automatically forwarded to /dev/null.])

I don't get it. For being such a liberal place, having a "sin tax" on alcohol doesn't make much sense. I guess America doesn't completely suck.

Take yesterday's post entitled Nerves and apply it to today. He was too busy (and scared, the poor dear) to do it yesterday.

I'm trying not to let it crash me. Or the horrible dream I had last night.

In other notes, God, the soundtracks to Katamari Damacy games are awesome. /me jams out to Wanda Wanda and wishes I could find that torrent file that has the soundtracks to Damacy and We <3 in it, as I don't have all of We <3.

Hey... there's no leak... I was messing with the filter last night and I figured out some of the water was coming out over the top of the mechanism, down the plastic piece that holds it to the side of the tank, and out onto the floor!

YAY! (Of course, I find this out after I switch my fish over to a big plastic tub temporary tank. Oh, well, this gives me a good opportunity to clean the gravel and the tank really well.)

At least now I don't have to get a new tank. Or sealant. Or haul ass out to Bethesda in the next day or so.